So untimely. God am I ready to keep moving on? I need some breakthroughs. Not just being able to not entertain negative thoughts, but not even having them in the first place. Maybe I'll try overcoming them first by letting them not affect my mood. Terrible mood swings. Shall see how things go this holidays...

I really need some help. Mindsets are hard to change and I have no drive.

This was such an interesting conversation. Petra....so anticlimax! But yea you're right, get past O's first.

P: I like the name en qi...Random but nice.
G: Yea it sounds nice! Sweet and pleasant sounding. And en is grace! Lovely, name your daughter that.
P: It's a guys name you toot!But is it too girly?Even you thought it was a girl! Bad bad. I dun even know whether I'll have a child nxt time. Aiya! Dun think so far.
G: OOPS. HAHAHA OOPS. I'M SO NOOB. Hahaha sorry Petra! Aiyo, u will. I want to attend ur wedding and play with ur kiddos!
P: Hahaha. But i dun wanna be bound by marriage. And i dun wanna undergo 9 mths of pain! Haha. Sigh let's get pass our o's first.

"Youre alive. That means you have infinite potential. YOu can do anything, dream anything, make anything. You can change the world and the world will change."
"YOUAREFEARFULLYANDWONDERFULLYMADE AND YOU ARE LOVED. It is enough."
"Bad marks make u work harder."
Thank you v much Clare :)

I'm disgusted! Hence the 'lol'. Even though shouldn't be getting this affected by my grades, tell me, anw, who drops 4 grades on average? Gross. But...It does strike me now that God's telling me something. No healthy mind with no healthy body. Thank God for adulto and her reminders.

I will settle with being more hardworking, fat and healthy and make sure I do better from now onwards. I will not compare myself with others, knowing God made me special like everyone else. I will not entertain negative thoughts because there's much more to life than that. And I will believe... Keep praying Gillian.

Here I am
at Your feet
Crying out to You
Draw me near,
hold me close
Lord I wait on You
For You're my greatest love
You're my comforter and strength
You're the first
You're the last
You're my guiding light
I will run
I will soar
on eagle's wings
as I wait on You Lord
My strength is restored
Fix my eyes on You Jesus,
as I run this race
Help me fight
this fight of faith

------
Flipped open my devotional and God spoke to me:
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God." (Psalm 13:2-3) Perhaps, it's about me not looking to God rather than the other way round as stated here, but I must believe and always remember that the One in me is greater than everything else, the greatest of all. I will run the race.

"You must give yourself a chance to prove that you can...don't lose hope."

Thank you... very thankful y'all are alive. You mean too much to me.
Treasure, cherish those you love. Everyday to the next, show them how much you love them.

Even in the darkest times, You are there God.
All the hurt vanishes because "Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted...And by His stripes we are healed."
Isaiah 53:4,5b

Was looking thru' some archives and found that somewhere. By His stripes, we are healed...

I want to rebel and do something stupid. Yea, on top of the fact I'm already stupid. I'm so stupid. I don't deserve to be a student. It's unacceptable. Guess teachers were on the verge of puking when they marked my scripts, maybe. Guess I'll never be good enough. Guess this is my limit. I shall study harder now. probably no one else like me; what a joke. I should try staying up to study again...Miss those days. Better than sleeping and knowing I won't do well at the end anyway.
And well this sounds so immature. That's a bigger joke.
This still feels shitty. Sigh.
Oh...the goal I set was 7A1s. I will dream.
--
And it occurs to me (because God's never left me) that I'm not trusting Him again. Again and again. Am I not happy with what He's given me? Having faithfully given me peace thru'out every single paper even as I prayed so hard day and night for myself and everyone else; having given me such people who tirelessly care for me; having reassured me of the Truth that all who have recently passed away are in heaven with him.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Then everything He blesses me with must be good, then every step I take will not be a wrong one if it's in Him, then He must be guiding me for my good. So I should trust and not hate myself over mediocre things like results.

Most certainly not as easy as it sounds, but God I must look to you. Let me try.

On a lighter note, midyears are over.
Good day. CC meeting & dinner (missed you Chlo & Boss @ dinner) today. Thanks Ms Ho for dinner and the ride! Great time of catching up, laughing and discussing. Thank y'all, we must have this more often. Becks' laughter's so contagious, mm. :) I've learnt so much from this lovely bunch of 9, and seeing each and everyone grow in the past one year. Proud of all of you!

Things to do: 1 clear up the mess (or mass) of notes and books all over the room and dining table 2 pb stuff. I'm tired 3 file 4 revision schedule from next week onwards and 5, I want to watch Xmen. Or just any other movie... Priya, remember our deal!
6 oh, sleep and sleep and sleep.

Grief, coming in waves. When I'm finally out of one, the next comes. Although less, but still enough to make me reflect on life. Life... Oh why God. Why, why, why. Why do we have so many questions; why are there so many mysteries? God...I will believe. Believe in your time. Why are so many people leaving us of late? Why are so many people ill? Why are they people I know, some I love, some who've been blessing so many others and others who have been earnestly seeking you, willingly serving you, wholeheartedly worshipping you...? Life here's so fragile.

I know that through your prayers and the help given by the
Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for
my deliverance.
-- Philippians 1:19

Paul is possibly facing death. Yet he knows that his life, his
future, is securely in the Lord's hands. The Holy Spirit will help
empower him to be what he needs to be in the face of persecution
and hardship. The Spirit will also work for his deliverance; either
he will be delivered from prison and death to serve others, or he
will be delivered into the presence of the Lord he loves. Either
way, he awaits and expects deliverance!

O LORD, God Almighty, please give me the courage to never waiver in my confidence in your deliverance. In addition, dear Father, I have several beloved friends who are fighting for their lives with physical problems. Please bless them with your deliverance, whether it is your healing that restores their health or your grace that insures their future is with you and your triumphant Son, Jesus, in whose name I pray. Amen.

http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi?day=20090518

On some days, things just don't go your way? Suffocating...perhaps.
Everything on my mind's just jumbled up. Drained. It's becoming too much for me to handle.
But if I will look for strength, I will receive.
Letting God be just as He's always been and will always be
"Be still and know that I am your God" Psalm 46:10

and we'll pick up the pieces of our memories, weave them together, and set aside a room in our hearts for them.
We've had far too many 'why' questions, but they'll never be answered. Who else but He understands our hearts? No matter how much pain there is, we must move on. Are there not greater things in life we can look forward to? Have we not understood what it means to have good sportsmanship, have we not understood what it means to love thru' actions? We have, and because we have from her, we'll be ambassadors of them in the future... We've got a long way to go.
...not thinking about her passing does not translate into us forgetting her at any point in time. We may be grieving, we may be sorrowful. Even Jesus wept. For the millions who're unsaved, their souls are not saved - our hearts shatter upon hearing this.

But I know you must've spent your last days turning to Jesus, knowing you weren't going to suffer any longer. Indeed, we know that angels blew their trumpets even as God's arms opened wide to welcome you and we know that there's no place better than heaven. You're there now and have nothing to worry about, knowing God is watching over all of your loved ones...you won't have to think of what pain and suffering they're going thru' because what you see now is indescribably magnificent. You know your God's omnipotent.
"with the faith and love God's given
springing from the hope we know
we will pray the joy you live in
is the strength that now you show"

(edit) "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23
I hope it'll encourage you, let it be the start to a new chapter of life, with your loved one only physically not with you: Found this in my devotional (September 9, Pearls of Great Price - Joni E. Tada)

Strange how we expect the parade of life to go on forever; when it finally runs out of steam, we feel cheated, as though someone should have told us it was this short, this hard, this...final. But death is supposed to be hard. Perhaps it's supposed to be a taste of hell. The wages of our sin is death; could God have in mind for us to feel - really feel - a little of what the Saviour bore? God may want to remind us of what sin would have earned us, had it not been for Christ. I guess the throes of death are our birth pangs before we enter heaven's bliss. These are sobering thoughts. But the facts of death can often be as harsh as facts of life.
When a loved one dies, it should be an alarm clock, a waving red flag, warning us, "Wake up, examine yourself! Have you made your peace with God?" When a natural disaster strikes, killing many, the alarm should sound louder. I can't say what God has in mind with untimely deaths, but I can say we are all heading for the grave, some of us sooner than others. And that should make us sit up and take notice: What have you done with Jesus? Will we be ready?

Heart wrench. The body is tired. The mind refuses to take a break...
but "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone".

failures fade, triumphs surface. somewhere along the way you may have thought it was becoming a way of life, but you were proven wrong. no problem is insignificant, one's problem is as big as another's problem. failing to live well (exercise, food, rest, and everything else to give a balanced lifestyle) at one point in time may have been bad (torturous is just as much an understatement), may have made you weak and vulnerable. it could have caused more reservations, inhibitions and even embarrassment, not being able to face the many who love you but eventually it's not your will that's in control (no, not that everything's involuntary). something you thought you weren't able to give up, you did. when you breathe your last breath, you'll remember that you've emerged victorious - not because you had the will and commitment to, but because of the people who gave you that push - and not the pain you had to go thru'. (through it all, God's touch never left you. you were just living without looking to him)

Healing begins when we hold tightly to the truth of God and allow the truth of God to hold tightly to us. God gives each of us the freedom to accept or reject His way. When we lean into His truth, we are less likely to conform to the world. His truth, His Word can be the light for each step we take. It illuminates the path that leads to His heart. God's Word transforms as in Romans 12:2a. We live in a competitive world....Neurotic thoughts, frustrating pursuits...
Why, thoughts like these can never be articulated.

It rendered me speechless. As tears roll down my cheeks...It was not meant to be. It was not to be, but if this is a wake-up call for me Lord, let me not have my way but Yours. It was not to be, but God you can turn situations around and may you be the strength for everyone in this time. It was not to be, but it doesn't mean we do not go on with life. We come and we go, how short are our lives (but they shouldn't get any shorter...); the more we have to move on, knowing that God you're in charge and you'll never settle for second best for us, but only best. God your mercy and compassion's upon her soul, just as your love comforts the souls of others.

I miss all of it. Times you bullied me...when you spurred everyone on with your enthusiasm, when you inspired others with your ideas, when you reached out others who weren't too open. Small things, but done with a big heart. It didn't take much for you to leave a great first impression, it didn't take much for a friendship between us to be sparked off and developed. But for when our paths crossed, for the little things you've said and done, the people you've touched, the unfailing words of encouragement, the joy you've brought, they're enough to last a lifetime, remaining in our hearts forever.


this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship


Her smile, not forgotten. Never forgotten.

Everything else I've been through seems so trivial now. What with 'stress', what with 'weaknesses', what with 'failures'. If sadness, frustrations, confusions, annoyances and self-beating are part of life, why let it plague our remaining days... I will learn to leave those at God's feet and move on to do what I need to do. We must...
We look to God in times of need. Ever help in trouble, ever comfort in sadness, ever joy in sorrows. Praise God. Tomorrow's a better day for everyone of us. All of us. To quote my last post... "When we're resting in God's strength, nothing can shake us, amen?"

How bochap I am. "fail then fail lah" says the mind; "no, you want to DSA, cannot fail: says the heart. Yet in this very dilemma, you don't know who to listen to. And yet in this very situation you don't know what your mind thinks, or what your heart feels. You don't know what to do. How to focus. How to study. How to think coherently? God's strength only, Gillian. God's strength only.

"What happened then? So here lies the mysteries of God. And it will remain a mystery until we meet face to face with our Creator." God, you've got the whole world in your hands.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1