ain't one of the best days, ain't one of the times I can inspire. nonetheless, what I've written over the course of the past one, two years may. if you feel lousy like I do now, I most certainly hope this blog can encourage or uplift you in some way or another. I must have said some stuff that the Spirit prompted me to, stuff that can very well speak to you as they have spoken to me...

corrinne may's 'every beat of my heart'. I always liked her voice and music. how awesum it is for such talents to exist.

So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear
Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear

'Cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday
They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'cause I don't know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart

18 September '09
Longest Day
MGS Year of 2009
♥

you're everything to me in increasing importance...
thank you MG for the opportunities
given to learn, worship, serve, follow, lead
thank you for giving me the greatest friends
thank you for giving me the greatest teachers
thank you for growing me
thank you for defining me
thank you for the bad times I had
thank you for the awesum times
thank you for all I've learnt from people
thank you for the takeaways I probably wouldn't have had
if not for the opportunities and enrichment modules
thank you for teaching me what it means to feel guilty
(when I didn't hand in work on time/wasn't diligent enough)
thank you for chapels and assemblies
thank you for the times we could worship freely
thank you for having such a great organisation - MGPB
thank you for being a part of my growing older,
but thank you too for playing a role in my growing up
thank you for giving the best memories,
that'll stick with me decades down the road
but again, nothing I feel for the school, can ever be put into words.

thank you Clare, Ze-Eie, Madeline, Claudia, Sharanya, Gerou, Michele, Choe, Ben, Becks, Laura, Petra, Anisha (mutual!), Nicole, Grace, Michelle, Abi Nyam especially...in more than one way you've loved, cared for, inspired, encouraged, shared with, been with me; in how there were things we identified with; for making me feel part of the class, the school; for the advice, for giving your time when I needed it; and for being a part of me. thank you Ms Ng, Mrs Gan for being such great form teachers, bearing with the class, for working so hard, for being so dedicated, for caring for us in small ways, for being yourselves in front of us and whatnot. thanks to Ms Ho and Ms Bong for showing me what it means to love, especially; for developing my strengths. thanks to teachers who've scolded me for my own good. thank you to all (like Wan Ning, Leeks, Nicole (hiorns)) who've touched me in one way or another, for your willingness to help when I've asked for any, when I was down and you asked me why, when you tried to cheer me up, when you smiled! no thank yous can ever be enough, nothing I say can bring me back in time, but I'd give anything to relive the entire experience...we may be parting ways but in one way or another, you've all done something right to leave deep imprints on my heart.

for ten years, God has been faithful.
thank You.

"everything'll be okay, even tho' nothing seems alright right now at this moment..." the o's will be here soon and we'll all be working hard together. it all doesn't seem so hard anymore, knowing you aren't alone in it, knowing everything will turn out fine.
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it's time to spread the love of what the school and everything that came with it (including drawing nearer and nearer to Him) have given me to others. whoever's reading, SEND YOUR GIRLS TO MGS IN THE FUTURE. haha. :)

Blessed sweet sixteen Becks! ♥
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because FB isn't being very kind to me, here's my 'what's-on-your-mind':
when you want something, you may not have it. when you don't want it, it's probably available. sounding awfully familiar, what it teaches me: learn to be content with and grateful for what we're blessed with, what's been placed ahead of us all the time, because we never know when we'll lose the things (sometimes important to us) and neither can we control what we have at any point in time. to me, that's as hard as surrendering myself to God - in losing my life for Jesus to find it (matt 16:25). but again, what's impossible with our God? nothing.

it's back to school tomorrow. but there's nothing to be afraid of...nothing at all. not even having to face the wrath of teachers, either because I owe homework (oops, laoshi's work...) or because I'm 'hopeless' at certain subjects (like chem). [AHHHHH, please, God's grace be upon me, please. and you, haha. :)]

HOPEFULLY.
truth be told, I'm actually very scared. sigh. let me go and run towards Him now, and uhm, run literally...sigh.

evidently, I think I have alot of time to waste...I'm actually on blogger THIS much!

anw, the main aim of this post is for me to express my egggcitement ABOUT BEING AT STARBUCKS LATER. BECAUSE I'VE BEEN CRAVING IT FOR DAYS. YAY. JAVA CHIP FTW (Y). what more with my awesum bunch of seniors... :) nauh, I didn't have coffee in the end...the flu's coming. but my voice is probably sexier now...okay jokes aside, time to take EXTRA care of ourselves - y'know, the weather and all...hate to fall sick.

okay it's 210am, I can't get to bed (and gah, neither am I in the studying mood!)...possibly still reeling from all the excitement from fellowship and sharings. but hey, I love this peace I'm experiencing right now. do you feel it? peace the world cannot offer... Jesus calms every storm in our hearts as long as we ask him. turn our eyes upon him.

(Y) I like.
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Jane shared about being 'a team', what it means, what is expected of us in the team over lunch. (thanks for lunch... :P but much more for sharing) sometimes I forget that we need to work as a team, and united we stand, divided we fall. I would love to have all the attention to myself and for someone to only direct all his/her care and time to me, but that's not possible because in the time a group is together, everyone has to be looked out for, and we have to be working towards a common goal. it's natural to want to be credited and cared for, but gotta look at the big picture too huh.

which reminds me...a quote by Bear Bryant Dad once told me...something along the lines of "team spirit: if anything goes bad, I did it. if anything goes semi-good, then we did it. if anything goes real good, then you did it."

that aside, time to focus on o's. Unc Stan has already imposed upon me to 'concentrate on studying for o's. stop serving temporarily, don't do anything for the ministry for this period of time'...which is timely, thank God. while I go on this short break, I can work things out...especially with my servanthood attitude and whatnot. yay.
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I hardly enjoy reading the old testament ('cause it's too chim and hard to apply to my life more often than not) besides the psalms...but I read a little of Habakkuk recently (actually, it's already a short book on its own, so can't get very little can it, hahah). he was a strong, faithful man who had alot of confidence that God was the Sovereign Lord, and no matter what still rejoiced in the Lord ('rejoice in the Lord always', phil 4:4) despite all sorts of obstacles. also teaches us to let God be God...Habakkuk 3:17 to 19 says:Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. what we really have to do is to let go and submit everything to Him.
my attempts have never been futile even when I thought they were, 'cos once we move towards Him, he draws even closer... ("come near to God and he will come near to you", james 4:8)

y'know He's so faithful. I cannot emphasise this enough. (will share from personal experiences, sorry for the numerous 'I's, I really don't like to seem self-centred :s) I've been a very bad girl, twice (as in, I was better for awhile, but gave into devil attacks again...) - no, not the kind who rebels that much, not the kind who stays away from home and never respect authority...but in many other ways. basically, I've been living a life unpleasing to Him. for one, I was hypocritical...because I could never tell myself what I was telling/advising/encouraging others. for instance, I'm not ashamed tho', to say I was jealous of people I loved when they were doing better at something...but it's something that time and prayers (of many others' and little of mine..) has helped me overcome. there was a period of time I could step into the church service hall and feel inadequate (yes, over silly things like not playing an instrument as well as someone else, perhaps more experienced or have more time to practise than you do), times when I would feel defeated when I step into the classroom knowing I'll never do as well as my classmates. comparison has not brought me anywhere. what I learnt is...there'll always be someone, some people, better than us in EVERYTHING that we do. it's either we choose to deal with it and thank God for what we have/what we can do, or we continue to beat ourselves over being a 'failure'.
I've denied God countless of times...I found it so hard to pray because I felt undeserving. the terrible influxes of negative thoughts that clouded my judgement...I simply could not believe that He loves me, I simply could not believe I was 'good enough' for anyone. as a matter of fact, I was wrong. nothing stops God from advancing in His plans and purpose (that prevails), nothing stops the Holy Spirit from moving, nothing stops good from triumphing over evil (in the first place, God created Lucifer & the fallen angels)..was absolutely wrong. it was either I let the word of God and word of spiritual mentors fall on deaf ears or I make an effort to change myself, to renew my soul, to get right before Him...I chose the latter, thankfully. I've (only recently) chosen to repent, to say I'm sorry, Lord, to ask Him to search my heart and transform me into someone He wants me to be.

we've all got problems. face it, we were made to face challenges, and overcome them. it's different when you have His strength in overcoming these matters. we either be courageous (be strong and courageous, joshua 1:9) and conquer them, or we escape. escapism - what I've been involved in for a very very long time. what happens when we don't sort things out is these problems will only continue to build up...and once you hit the limit, you're gonna be hit hard. horrendous impacts...it's just like bioaccumulation and bioamplification, situations only get worse and worse, and when you're where the catalyst is...chances are, you'll break down. and that sucks, I know how it feels.. we all need to have our channels to release the 'living time bomb' within us, have people we can open up to. for me, I've been shutting my (real) self away from people for a very long time and resorted to unhealthy means to cope with the stress. I couldn't even take the hands of those who've been willing to guide me back on the right track or accept His grace that He gives freely. I couldn't face God.

but obviously, time isn't an issue. what's important is that you make that u-turn, you find yourself consumed by His mercy, you WANT to be blessed and you want to live well for Him. if we want true happiness/joy, we gotta seek it in Him. :) I hope you have it/want it too! IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE! (matt 19:26)

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and oh man, I was looking thru' my archives and realised Dad & I have had such a conversation (in jan)...it's so stressing! haha:
"Hey Dad, so will you be in school when I collect my O's results?"
"It's not even the full result yet."
"I meant next year lah."
"I go for what?"
"I don't know, just be there for me?"
"Okay, if you can show me 9 distinctions for your prelims, I promise you I'll be there next year when you collect your results."

I think 'prelims' have to be changed to 'actual o' levels' now because..I totally got far from nine distinctions! :/
NINE DISTINCTIONS, FRIENDS. So remember, if you see my name in the papers or something next year, rejoice with me for Dad would have gone to school, proud of his daughter. But even more, ('cause good grades are seriously not my thing. SIGH, hahah) praise God for His favour, wisdom and grace. [of course, the latter still stands even if I don't get my nine distinctions :)] but I must not forget to do my part luh...hence, I'll go study now! take care.

your love is beautiful
the reason why I sing

sigh. sighing isn't always that bad... you sigh, you leave a problem where you are, and move on.
"it doesn't matter where you've been, where you are, it doesn't matter that you've failed, what matters is where you go from here, what you do from now on..."

shall rest and force myself to work harder soon enough. once school starts, probably. hopefully!

"one of the biggest things I've learned is that my parents are actually people. that sounds funny, but growing up I didn't think of parents as two people who grew up in their own family and had their own lives before they got married and I came around. I usually just saw them as "dad" and "mom", and they were supposed to have life all figured out...I would often get upset at my parents because of the way they would handle something or do something. but now I know they were working hard and doing their best." it goes on to say "..how you view your family will help in how you deal with them. your family is made up of people who are struggling through life just like you are." (A girl's life with God - Casey Hartley)
guess it's something I have to learn.

Blessed sweet sixteen Choes!
♥
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So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay.
hebrews 10:22-24

dad brought me to the SKS bookstore. one word - amazing. before I can finish reading the books I can get my hands on, I'll probably be getting even more...finding hope when life is unfair, good buy.

51 days to O's.

all we have to know...that we belong to Him (I belong to You - parachute band)

You light my way everyday
You help me see what I can be
I cry to you my spirit song
come use my life for You alone

You caught my soul when i was struggling to breathe
You made me whole and now Your majesty I see
I belong to You
yes I belong to You

I hear Your voice I leads me on
into Your arms where I belong
I cry to You my spirit song
come use my life for You alone

You caught my soul when I was struggling to breathe
You made me whole and now Your majesty I see
I belong to You
yes I belong to You

I know Your everything
Your all I'll ever need
I know Your eveything to me

You caught my soul when I was struggling to breathe
You made me whole and now Your majesty I see
I belong to You
yes I belong to You

You caught my soul when I was struggling to breathe
You made me whole and now Your majesty I see
I belong to You
yes I belong to You

4 more weeks of official school left. I'll miss mg and everything about it. mostly teachers and friends, chapel...