You came to my rescue, Lord

rediscovering joy

2011-04-30T10:59:00.004+08:00

too many things have changed, are changing and time isn't stopping for me to catch my breath. all I know is that this unhappiness must not last, the negativity should not plague me this much, I shouldn't return to who I was in the past, more damaged and self-destructive. all I know is that I haven't got many months left to actually prepare for what we understand as the single round of examination that all the 12 years of schooling culminates in, the dreaded As which will determine the course of our lives from now on to such a large extent. it's a scary thought isn't it, to have come this far, just as we may have prayed for time to pass more quickly so we can get over the phase of being a student by name (since we gotta keep learning through life) already - but now that it has we're just so reluctant to move on with the times 'cause we know for certain that anything can happen once we step out of this bubble of school life. all I know is that I haven't kicked the habit of procrastination yet - which has been present ever since I started blogging (hilarious how archives date back to july 2006) - and it might just destroy any chances of me doing as well as I should so it's something I should start working on even if people might argue it's too late. all I know is that I haven't been faithful in sustaining my once-close relationship with the Lord and the fact that He has never left me and will never leave me should be enough to give me strength to start shifting my focus back to Him. all I know is that my life doesn't only belong to me, but also my loved ones, and whatever I do or think can so affect them. but there're so many more things I do not know, so many more things I have to learn about people, about myself. there're so many ways I have to change myself for the better, there's so much more humbling of myself to do, there's so much I'm lacking in.

so joy joy joy, please come back to me
I will have faith that it isn't just what I want for myself but what He wants for me and thinks is right

I miss being happy.

o come let us adore Him

2010-12-27T01:44:00.003+08:00

God's really good to me.

on another note, I FINALLLY GOT TUMBLR. it's so inspiring to find pretty photos and beautiful quotes; fun reblogging them. :)

the rainbows in the sky to show God's promises are true

2010-12-24T00:46:00.006+08:00

it's been awhile I must say and I apologise for being MIA. many things have changed since I last posted but one has remained constant - the fact that God is still very part of my life, still who loves me the most, who sustains me day in day out. :)
the best change would really be that I've found that joy that used to always be in me again, and for as long as I'm willing to surrender my life to Him it'll probably stay this way. the holidays have been really really good; God is really good all the time. it's not that there aren't hurdles to cross 'cause life without challenges would probably be very boring, rather it's the choice to see the good in everything and trust in Him to turn any bad circumstance into good. the biggest problem right now's because I'm enjoying myself so much, 've got a feeeling my academics are gonna suffer real bad next year. nonetheless I'll have faith in the Lord to be with me whether or not I study hard (actually, dad says it's more of studying smart than hard and he's right huh) and perform as I should...I believe sometime back I spoke of the As I want by CTs 1. SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE BUT LET'S CLAIM THE PROMISE IN MATT 19:26 THAT WITH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. hahaha mind you, I'm not being unrealistic because I'm optimistic and neither am I idealistic. lofty goals aren't bad when you keep going back to your humble beginnings and keep Jesus at the centre, no? anyhow, I TOUCHED MY NOTES YESTERDAY AND ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND RESPIRATION NOW. it's better than not starting on any revision before school starts in 2 weeks+ (we must think self-preserving thoughts okay).

on another note, IT'S CHRISTMASSSSS. blessed Christmas everybody. may the love of God overwhelm you this season of giving (and joyful receiving) and be the strength of your heart as you embark on a new year of life (of which poses new challenges) :)

I feel like whoever reads this space deserves to hear more but am not too able to be anymore coherent than this, sorry friends! if there's anything you should take back from actually bother to read about my life here (I do feel honoured about this thank you), I pray/hope it's that living in/with/for God is a very awesome thing and life can actually be really beautiful when you learn to see things from His perspective.

a heart's cry.

2010-11-15T11:41:00.007+08:00

on my way - corrinne may

I'm far away from what I've known
And there's static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I've been up and down this winding road
It's getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee's turned to grey

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Sweet embrace, I'm on my way

So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in your grace?
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me a sinner or a saint?

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost, I know that you'll find me
There's a cross on a hill
Saying, "Do not be afraid"

I'm on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I'll be alright

'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I'm on my way

/
I thought I'll be happier being less busy but that hasn't really happened. now that it seems I have time on my hands (could really spend it more productively but I'm not pushing myself enough) I feel like I'm losing control over my life, that I'm not letting God take the wheel. really happiness is temporal and what I, we should embrace is eternal joy...most unfortunate thing is it's been weeks and I still haven't regained that sense of purpose. it's beginning to annoy me because I'm not sure what has made me change -- honestly don't wanna go back to those times I'd hear voices, not of the Truth; honestly don't want to have to fight the demons within me every single moment; honestly don't want to have to tag positivity to every thought that sprouts (because they're more often than not negative). sometimes I think I want too much, I ask too much out of this life that doesn't belong to me but Him, the life that I merely claim to surrender to God solely. it's really one thing to talk about knowing God and actually knowing God...sigh. where has that hope so sure gone? I'm sure it hasn't left me 'cause God never runs away from us but only towards us, but it's a struggle taking the steps to draw closer to Him in such spiritual dryness. so even though that anchor for my soul, that peace in the worst of times seems so far away, it's always been present. He's omnipresent. just needa find Him again (psalm 46:10) right? I don't wanna change for the worse, instead I wanna continue be a light to the world, and continue to bring joy to others without a speck of pretense.
it's not easy, not at all. but His grace is more than enough for me and I need to trust
this is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
this is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

put the geniune smile back on my face, won't you?

hyperactivity.

2010-11-13T22:39:00.004+08:00

H1 chinese - check.
H1 project work - check.
happy, happy. :)

post-PW has been rather eventful and enjoyable, I suppose (albeit at the expense of beckoning tutorials). but I really miss 3K! plus, there's no more tutorials with the class for the rest of the year! anyhow for the record,
thursday: WEIJIE'S 18th! hope you had an awesome birthday! good lunch at YCK sakura and lepaking (monopoly deal!!) in town.
friday: chris' place with weixuan & russell! awesome times with my bros (Y) know1ng, sex & the city 2, national treasure; swimming; racquet channel; posting statuses on behalf of weixuan & russell on FB!
today: reading, chatting with nainai, town alone, church (sermon was powerful :)), MONOPOLY DEAL after dinner with merrilyn, javian, nichoong, gabrielfang and ezra. :D
ultimate lepaking, but this is the life man. thank God for every single split second.

I SHOULD START DOING MY TUTORIALS

Yahweh.

2010-11-06T21:36:00.005+08:00

going back to ignyte saturday and seeing all the girls (& guys) was really awesome. :) being in the presence of God's always uplifting.

OP on wednesday! let's go PW homiesss

our God reigns His love will never fail me
our God reigns He's ruling over all
in all my life, in every situation
I know my God is greater,
my God is over all

oh, here's something.

2010-11-04T23:04:00.004+08:00

need something to help me regain the overflowing sense of joy...but well just found one!/

JUST REALISED I HAVEN'T SHARED THE JOY WITH THE WORLD YET: 11S03K IS REMAINING INTACT. totally proud of my classmates. (:

but we need to work extra extra hard next year. apparently we were a Band 1 class to start off with, and most tutors don't see it in us at all. it's easy to feel like we're such disappointments, no? it's alright though, we're gonna be there for each other, pushing one another on. thankfully for us, we're still kickin' ass, as usual.

beyond measure.

2010-11-04T22:50:00.002+08:00

it's not about perfection, but direction. it's not about where you've been, but where you can go.

on my knees I pray, break me

God, You are stronger

2010-11-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

joy joy joy, where art thou?

stop.

2010-10-30T23:41:00.001+08:00

sometimes you bleed just to know you're alive

for the good times.

2010-10-27T00:59:00.002+08:00

BLESSED 17th BIRTHDAY LAVANYA
THIS SPACE IS JUST FOR YOU, MY BEST RG FRIEND. thank you for always being so supportive of my decisions when appropriate; thank you for appreciating my strengths but not overlooking my flaws; thank you for praising me when you deem fit, scolding me for when you do; thank you for being who you are.
can't do you justice with a post here man, but may the Lord bless you very very abundantly and for as long as our friendship lasts, CHEERS, my dear girl. *FIST BUMP*

why do our paths seem to diverge?

2010-10-25T21:47:00.004+08:00

i will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains i can't climb
i will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild
i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside
i will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

only You know.
for certain I know: even before we call He answers (isaiah 65:24)
coming before God with a broken and contrite heart/spirit I hadn't even known about was about the best thing that happened to me for awhile now. (:
---

truly thankful for promos' results. they may not be the best but it's more than I'm entitled to ask for, for the amount of effort I put in and the level of focus and discipline I had, hahaha. for any disappointed hearts out there, hope you find yourself with more trust/faith in self again 'cause you're better than this, better than all the dwelling on "on hindsight I could've done so much better". :)
godliness with contentment we equip ourselves with as time goes by...

p.s. 6/8 for AQ was a miracle. PTL

we're a team

2010-10-20T22:23:00.004+08:00

I never knew IHC could be this exciting but it has been. (: looking forward to school everyday now! but soon there's chinese As and PW OP coming up - which is real serious stuff...but again, with God all things are possible, shall conquer them well yes! all the best to those having major examinations as such too.

life's good, especially when you choose to have a positive outlook!! thank God I've made that choice. you should too, if you haven't! ♥

in suffering

2010-10-16T00:38:00.002+08:00

the joy can never be overlooked. (neh 8:10) although sometimes I still wonder if I'm too happy - does it indicate I'm not caring enough? perhaps my attitude towards many things have turned progressively cavalier. :/

my God is bigger than any goliath out there

something beautiful

2010-10-10T18:00:00.005+08:00

renewed sense of joy and purpose. thank God I woke up on time for service this morning (having missed yesterday's...really glad there're 2 ignyte services every weekend) - it's something about the worship and Spirit that awakens me from the dullness of the week.

sermon title: how to be an effective virus (for God) - ask me more if you're curious! better still you're always welcome to visit my church, or anyone's ;) believe I speak for many christians here.

yesterday was good! kinda relived those mgpb/LTC-like moments with the house comm. t'was workday for IHC, and spent 10 hours in school effectively. for me really ungrudgingly though. did things I truly enjoy, things others might rule as saikang, hahaha. then it just reminded me of how beautiful teamwork is. how amazing it is when people from so diverse backgrounds come together to create something outta nothing to put it figuratively. how awesome it is when we all have common goals that we work towards in unity. it's all cool.

and chris tomlin's (& the Passion band) awakening is really good. been listening to it everyday, few times a day actually, since dad got me the album! it inspires me so just to share it with you:

a willing vessel Lord I am

long time coming

2010-10-08T01:16:00.010+08:00

so how much is too much, really? in opening up to others, I mean. do really ponder over this alot; and perhaps in even saying this, I'm putting up too much of my thoughts on display just like how I've always been? truly wish I had an answer, but since I don't, guess it's best to continue being who I've been for a long time, who I am, no?

haven't been thinking too much over the past few days, and it seems they've just gone by rather fruitlessly - it's not something anyone can be proud of :( perhaps it was because I'd anticipated the queer sense of loss and none of euphoria even before the day I thought I was looking forward to came i.e. post-promos, that I've lived out what I'd foreseen. sometimes the human mind works like that, we tend to pre-perceive certain things and then they become reality...which is exactly why I'm a strong advocate of brainwashing - just psycho yourself about anything till you believe it!

for certain though, I cannot just write off the fact that He's blessed me with beautiful friends in raffles - I mean hey, the past few days I've spent with the best classmates anyone would ask for (11S03K) and girlfriends (in particular lavanya). honestly without them I wouldn't have settled in as easily as I have, nor would I find as much drive in going to school! so oughtta take moments right now to just thank God for placing such wonderful people in my life.

think 've mentioned this, but the RJ experience has indeed been really humbling. but we come out of the school stronger (in aspects more than one) and though how much stronger is unquantifiable, what's more important is that the education doesn't just help develop cognitive skills but all kinds of 'em that will stand us in good stead in the long long long run. after all, everything we go through shapes who we will be in the future :))

speaking of future, admittingly feeling extremely aimless all of a sudden. not sure where am headed, uncertain of what tomorrow holds - just kinda lost that strong sense of purpose I had pre/during promos. but God will bring me back to Him, He'll increase and I'll decrease in this life undeserving of but blessed with His grace anyway.

y'know, just like most teenagers, sometimes I do wonder too, why is it that this heart of mine wants so much to be loved by someone other than God, my family and friends, when I am loved enough, I am favoured enough? when agape, unconditional, platonic love is more than enough for me? each time the thought crosses my mind I feel so guilty I'm not spending enough time with the grans/parents who deserves alot more of my time and showers of affection, and realise how I've got no time for that kinda love that makes my heart skip a beat, that gives that tingly feeling (don't deny it whoever you are reading this, you experience it too :P) because I should be working on my relationship with God and my closest, most trustworthy confidantes/kins (despite the ever-bothersome generation gap)...

and you probably can tell by now too that many of the things I say may not be what I entirely believe in but know it helps to rationalise such stuff, record it down, say it many times, enough to make myself actually internalise them

dayum I'm just a kid, hahahaha.

a new hallelujah

2010-10-04T00:16:00.010+08:00

I'm a happy girl. last paper in less than 8 hours, lecture notes sit on my desk - no, I will not compromise and put anything else above God alone. this week has been one exciting one, not because of the anticipation of the end of promos, but rather that He's taught me new things about faith, joy and living in the moment. while it's hard to feel guiltless knowing how unprepared I am for some exam, for any exam, this time round am thankful I managed to not sacrifice quality time with Him for sleep, or studying for papers that determine my course of education -- His strength & peace renewed in me daily as I surrender (or do my best to) sustains me through the day, really. while the defeatist side of me can surface times immediately after papers I feel were unsatisfactorily executed, I realised too that trust doesn't mean not having those bouts of frustrations (all the complaining yadayada like "crap i freaking messed up" :(); trust in His goodness and to commit all my hopes and expectations to Him is to not go down that downward spiral of self-destruction and let the sense of failure overwhelm me, instead eventually going back to Him again and again, just kneeling in His presence and admitting how weak I am, how much I hurt inside when I know I could've done something better (not just in this context) and letting Him do what He knows is best for me. been learning alot too about setting the altars of my life right. know I hardly ever feel the (un)familiar sense of euphoria that tends to mark the end of exams, which is admittingly bewildering, but...

WILL DO MY BEST TO HAVE FUN AND ENJOY THE "FREEDOM" (actually I've always had this in Jesus hehehe) I PROMISE, because there's this thought planted in my head: if I don't know how to have fun, it means that I'm not a fun person. (product moment correlation coefficient / r-value = 1) and nobody likes people who aren't fun, RIGHT. CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. hahaha (:

all the best to everybody taking promos/EOYs this week!

may the Lord grant you wisdom that transcends all understanding guys.

and hope you're kept (or choose to be) as happy as I've been. grades do not make who you are, self-worth isn't measured by your performance yes

You are my supply, my breath of life

still more awesome than I know;

every need You satisfy me

all I have in You is more than enough

press on

2010-09-18T09:41:00.004+08:00

PROMOS. 10 days to the start, 16 to the end. hang in there guyss

His grace is sufficient, more than enough for us

-------

a week of school without mahdi around, so many things remind me of him. every morning at the parade square I giggle to myself when I think about his "baris keluar baris" at the wrong time on the last day of school; 12pm and I don't hear his watch making its classic power-rangerish sounds; seeing "kofi annan" in econs case study reminds me of his political-worthy speeches in GP classes; during breaks, seeing brij alone is a clear indication of his absense 'cause they came in a pair (like choes and wanns, hamza and osama). but this really goes to show how much the class respects him as a person and friend, how many lives he had in one way or another impacted before he left for UK to study and :( just thankful I got to meet one awesome guy like him, and everyone else in 3K(ickass)

now we're down to the critical time period for the year, it'll determine if we're gonna remain 'intact as a class', to quote many of our tutors, and I most certainly hope we do. actually, I'm sure we will. praying for His wisdom and peace to be upon all of us :) transcends all understanding and knowledge and whatever we can gain from school anyway! there's so many more things I wanna learn about the different people in our class and we need to strengthen the superficial relationships, I feel. what's the use of just having someone as a 'classmate' but not acting or treating her/him like s/he is one? having said that we all miss the girls/boys school culture and especially the mg one for the mg girls.

looming

2010-09-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

18 days to go.

second chances

2010-09-01T23:28:00.002+08:00

He's called us for more. more than how I'm feeling now I should look to God and renew that strong faith. man disappoints but God never ever does. His love > anyone's love (of which I've received from many, thank God. so so so so blessed)

you seem so far away

the line between reality and hope

2010-08-30T03:00:00.001+08:00

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

just a thought.

2010-08-27T22:40:00.001+08:00

being emotionally-driven can very well translate into, or rather contribute to, vulnerability: how much are we sucked into believing so many things approved by Man or what is said to be 'politically correct', that we lose the control over our own perceptions because we don't formulate our own opinions and at best internalise (or attempt to) what they all say is 'right'? so much so that it's all about content and knowledge and not about context...a point i've long missed out, it's no wonder my arguments in essays (on widely-discussed/contentious issues) are hardly ever strong. but seriously, hate writing with 'precise logic', just wanna express my emotions/feelings :(

success in the eyes of God

2010-08-19T22:09:00.004+08:00

been awhile since I've properly posted, and it also seems it's been that long since I've self-reflected. not sure what has been keeping me so occupied, but I feel like my brain is deteriorating each day as I think less and less critically - mainly 'cause having to keep up with school work has been really physically/mentally/emotionally draining, next due in part to my laziness - as I think less and less, period. then it also makes me wonder if it's better this way, than in the past when thinking meant my mind or whole of my being usually went wild and self-destructive. must say though that God has taught me alot over the past month, few months and I wouldn't wanna exchange this journey for anything else, despite the struggles that come along the way. it's really hard doing QT every day, but yeah, it's really good enough to always go back to God in everything, the good and the bad through the day, and utter morning and night prayers. I've always wondered what it really means to lead a victorious christian life (because it seems my dad is doing so and...) - what standards or benchmarks are there? think I've been pursuing man's acceptance too much, forgetting that God is the ultimate judge in my walk with Him, that to be holy doesn't mean having to do QT everyday or simply going to church (think most of us know this well enough), that to be godly definitely doesn't mean wanting to be recognised for your godliness. ironic isn't it? but sometimes it's so easy to fall on the other side of the tightrope, wanting to put on the facet of being holy yet not living a full transformed life from the INSIDE out.

saturday's sermon, first to the series "God's apps for our lives" (along the lines of this), was about success in His eyes. I don't need to seek man's approval in anything, but in everything solely God's approval. humility means not being envious at others' achievements and going "huh?! even someone like him/her got through the selection?!", for instance. disappointment kicks me outta track at times, it's like you're so fearful of being rejected again/going through the similar experience of failing again that you forget what's more important - failing weakens us emotionally, but it's when we're weak that He becomes stronger. righteousness, willingness to confess that I've done wrong, that I'm inadequate, that I've fallen short of his glory, a heart of commitment of every aspect in my life to Him...just some characteristics that'll promote success.

some day I'll be able to proudly say that I lean on Him EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE, that it's not a mere pretense.
Your grace is enough for me

---------
random one-liners:
2 days to shar's departure, karen's farewell lunch :(
39 days to promos
11S03K is kickass awesome - love my retarded yet united class
BW housecomm is the BWest (:
trust faith hope love joy peace

peace and joy, God has set me free

2010-08-02T00:58:00.005+08:00

radical decisions.
------
don moen, planetshakers, rev che an and Jesus were amazing at FOP. don't miss out on the awesum time of praise/worship/encountering God/prayer together with other Jesus freaks in the country next year! ;)
also, i've met even more cool people i can call friends. and even if these people will leave my life some time (yes people come and go), while they're part of my life in this season, close to me, i am hopeful that He will use me to touch their lives and use them to build me up and reveal more of Himself to me too. you see, God didn't open the door to rj for nothing. now I see it. on hindsight i shouldn't have been so upset about the struggles i had to go through in rj and moaned/groaned about not being in acjc - where for awhile i really thought i'd be happier in. the grass IS always greener on the other side, i think...but jeremiah 29:11. purpose in everything, every single small detail, big milestone. whatever it is that happens, we don't go through it in vain. perhaps i sat on the fence for abit - in choosing God or friends - but i'm glad i chose God and he doesn't look at my past, he's made me new and loves me as much as He always had (just i feel he loves me more now, because it's always about how we look at it, how we experience it, how we value it). abide in Him and He will too, in us.

what grace, what love, what joy, what peace.

the voice in my head

2010-07-25T00:34:00.007+08:00

MGS 123rd FOUNDERS' DAY & GRADUATION CEREMONY on friday: what can I say. it wasn't an ordinary one to say the least. it was a very special day. I love MGS, now and forever more. photos on fb! :) it was really really really awesome. I don't really know how else to describe it, but, my album info goes:

i love these people (whom i've really been blessed by, but unfortunately did not get to take photos with some of them or chat much), i love the school, i love the Lord so much for blessing me through mg. ten years, that's 60% of my life thus far - and I wouldn't trade anything in this world for the mgs experience.

to master to grow to serve. we'll always remember we were purposed by grace to be 'godly women of excellence with (hearts) of love'.

this marks the end of our very wonderful journey, but thank you all my beloved friends (peers and juniors and teachers alike), you've taught me what love is, how to love. in mg, i gained the heart knowledge that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose" (romans 8:28), and forever it will be, remaining as close to my heart as it's been.

♥hearts cry for 'the fairest in the land, our own dear mgs'
i wanna start it over
i wanna start again
i want a new beginning
one without an end
it's a voice that whispers my name
like a song that stirs in my head
singing love will take us where
something's beautiful
------------------
saturday was good. blessed.
head - heart - hands.
live out the personal convictions you have, because of what you know (through the bible teachings and word of knowledge) - do not let all that you receive be but head knowledge. translate it all into heart knowledge.
that's true spiritual growth.

breakdown the strongholds

2010-07-19T22:28:00.009+08:00

tonight...really the last night I should even choose to blog - there's SO SO SO SO SO MUCH WORK TO DO. but just decided I'd drop by. to the person who tagged me "go check out john 14:27", many many thanks. may God continue to be your peace too. :) I really appreciate it. 'cause yes, things haven't been as easy-going as I want them to be. so here's john 14:27 everybody, 'peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'

many occurrences (no doubt not by chance) have gotten me thinking. wondering. worrying. feeling. the complexity of the mind and heart never fail to awe me - how can you doubt that there is a Maker who meticulously created every part of us, even the smallest unit of DNA, a purine/pyrimidine? intricate divine designs.

giving up's never the solution. letting go and letting God is.
don't wait till you're at the end of the road; call on God first, in every situation

//o Child of God, why must you stray
when the One always ahead of you
has kept condemnation at bay
do you not see, how grave it is,
that you've drifted so far,
how grave it is,
when the love of God
seems to heal no scar.
BUT
the Lord is unchanging,
He never fails you or me;
do you not remember?
the Son of God,
done His work on the Cross
all of us, we're saved for sure
now we come, in needless shame,
to be cleansed by Him once again
SO
rest in the Shelter,
for no rain will destroy it, 'cause
it's a safehouse in His Name.

my friends, have faith.

rainbows in the sky.

2010-07-11T09:44:00.006+08:00

when you're doing your best, you have no time to worry about failure (robert hillyer). this quote is written on the front page of my bible, but somehow, I haven't reminded myself of it since Os ended. [this could say something about me not reading the Word hard copy for quite awhile now :/ oh dear.] it really drove me on and served as a good reminder to me to always give my best. I haven't (given my all) at all this whole year in anything/everything and I've been taking failures as final defeats - okay, maybe not so final 'cause i get back up in the end, but still the fall is hard enough. i anticipate failures too, because i don't think i've done the best that i can do, or made the wisest decisions i could probably have. and isn't that the suckiest feeling? when you're already so certain of the results/consequences of your actions - negative ones at that? i'm over those days where i saw myself as a failure, i'd better be. 'cause failure is by large an event, not a person. so don't ever think you're a failure alright. don't walk in my footsteps either, only on hindsight berate yourself for not doing your best in the first place. always do your best. always give God your best. :)

10ish weeks to promos. one last chance to redeem myself.

for what's worth.

2010-07-07T23:27:00.001+08:00

stop living for what's around the corner, and start enjoying the walk down the street.

(Grant L Miller)

seasons of change.

2010-07-07T19:12:00.002+08:00

wrong choices always plague us, they leave scars that refuse to fade through time. what's done can never be undone, now every step to take is a cautious one. why? isn't life more simple than this? is there any point in pretense? it hurts pretty badly, it's so hard...but when the seas of life rage, He's there to calm them. yes gi, that's it.

don't let circumstances shape who you are, let who you are give you the upper hand in circumstances.

love, greatest

2010-07-04T01:41:00.006+08:00

"wow.", the only word I'll use to describe today (whoops, yesterday i mean). love teammates so much - thanks guys for walking alongside me the past half a year and teaching me so much (esp since we're all so different coming from diverse backgrounds so there was alot I could discover about people's personalities/natures/perspectives). that love will really not change. the mutual trust we built, perhaps not entirely since everyone has reservations, will not be broken down; the relationship we've got will not end here. know we'll be here for each other. :) all the best, darlings. no physical/resource support i can give, just sincere moral support.

without Christ, i am nothing. without Him and His strength, i can do nothing. but with Him, all things are possible and everything is made easier than you imagine it to be. the one in me is really greater than anyone in the world. i love God, but God loves me more.

i'm all settled. it's a brand new journey from here.
take my heart, make it new, make it true, make it like You
take my hands, i lift them high, they're Yours not mine to do
do what You will, do what You will, do what You will

true love, rescue me

2010-07-03T01:52:00.004+08:00

God is so amazing. too amazing. jeremiah 29:11
so right now I'm where I never thought I'd be. I'm gonna do it, even if it means letting everyone down - I'm gonna quit. there's really no need to answer to the world or care about things of the world although everyone will judge and question me; just I pray people will not remember that I actually did it but the boldness to do what I've wanted to for long (which for most people I'm guessing wouldn't do because of the consequences). God, I'll do it - please grant me Your strength alone.

longer post soon, esp on love MG and just how...grateful I am to the Lord. later today (when I actually take the step of putting down all pride and my reputation/image [which really is temporal and gradually be forgotten yes?] and quit.) yes I will thank God that I have the courage to be a quitter, to know that it's time I do knowing I cannot go on like this any longer. it's too painful having to care about what people think or say of you all the time - why does it even matter? it actually truly doesn't - and I should start acting like I know it truly doesn't. after I squeeze out every inch of guts I can afford to be straightforward to the concerned (esp authority whose words have been causing me so much hurt even though they were meant to motivate me and help me improve) and be true to my feelings and everyone else, for once since I got into RJ and chose the sport. yup so I guess y'all can guess what it is I'm quitting. and I'm gonna try this. if it's God's will, let there be breakthrough.

i need you Jesus to rescue me
where else could I go

trust and hope.

2010-06-27T23:16:00.002+08:00

CTs start tomorrow & end on friday. really a short time period. and within this week I'm gonna spend most of the cramming lotsa info. but God is faithful and will just have to tackle whatever comes my way with all that I have/am equipped with. nauh, not a mere consolation to myself, but the firm belief that God's grace will give me the best that's for me (at least for this CTs; if it's failure, then I pray it'll be a good wake-up call) just like He did at the Os (haha c'mon I was so unserious about my work until after prelims). gonna make this short 'cause I'm not even done mugging for tomorrow, but yes. to everyone having common tests/terms/exams as well, all the best! don't worry or panic 'cause that'll just make things worse. keeping yall in prayer. hope we'll all be calm and remember whatever we've read (not even properly studied, that's how bad it is :( but am not alone right!!! okay it's a bad thing, shall not happen at promos, yes?)! REST WELL PEOPLE. SEE YOU IN A WEEK'S TIME.

if my heart is broken, I'll find God right there; if I'm kicked in the gut, He'll help me catch my breath. (psalm 34:18, the message)

how deep and wide Your love is.

2010-06-21T23:12:00.003+08:00

Jesus I believe in You
I would go, to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth, for You
alone are the son of God, all the world will see
that You are God, that You are God

God has amazing ways of reminding us of His love daily; it's just breathtaking how God communicates with/speaks to us. convictions are meant to be strong, they should carry us through much of our lives (until whatever we set out to do is fulfilled, anyways); He's stirring up something new in my heart and I hope I can follow through. (:

keep in constant prayer, gilly. press in and press on. be humble, always. always.
with God, all things are possible. matt 19:26

p.s. so we don't sing 'this is the day that the Lord has made: we will rejoice and be glad in it' for nothing. today was ALOT OF FUN. love fellowship, love spending time with people, love people in general. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS DAY SO AWESUM (pearlyn, elissa, shuxin, janice k, gillian ther/TWIN, jaslyn, aunty dolly, abi tay, jun hao, helu, spencer, cornelius, terence, chong lip). hahaha well, thank God he's made me such a people person; hopefully He'll use this personality of mine for good and to build others up. just...sometimes I suppose it may seem like I'm not being loyal to certain friends, but that's not true. to those out there who feel that way, who feel like I 'dump' y'all for others and come back to you again after some time, I apologise that I haven't always been available for you. but just remember that am thankful you're part of my life (and our paths have crossed some point in time), for all you've done, for all the joy you've brought & you're always kept in prayer. thanks friends. you guys redefine love, care, concern and joy.

Jesus is my superhero

2010-06-20T20:50:00.004+08:00

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY.
---------
hardcore mugging begins tonight!
will have a great week ahead yar. (:

I realise the need to plan what's gonna be done the next seven days before CTs start
(and end very very quickly. thank God no more 22 papers kinda thing like in the Os)
tomorrow shall be spent with CMers & Petra @ junhao's (hopefully); math!!!
tuesday shall be spent preparing for chinese oral and bio :(
wednesday in school - chinese oral & study bio in school library!
thursday shall be spent anywhere but at home alone so I can focus, hahaha (econs)
friday rachel yek's baptism! yay! (: and studying at marine parade library. (chem)
saturday shall be spent at home and at some hotel for some relative's wedding
sunday shall be spent at church and having chem tuition.

what a short week :( I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED. Yes God, I will do my best and only my best. (which really isn't good. but I suppose big improvements would be much better than doing well for CTs and doing only a little better for promos, right? yeap, my source of consolation is this mindset.)
---------
after chinese on friday we have learning journey to hortpark & henderson waves with the class and some other class (: miss 3K much! especially my girls and bros. and at night, dinner with vanessa (hopefully) and LOVEMG! whoohoo. come for LOVEMG people (past & present MG girls, especially '09 girlies, I miss all of you very very very very much!)

Love MGS is an annual worship event that brings together past and present MGS girls. We celebrate our11th anniversary this year with the following theme-

LoveMGS 2010- His Love is Mine
"God remains the strength of my heart, He is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

This year's committee comprises:

Jeannette Choe - Chairperson
Amanda Ang - Secretary
Charmaine Phang - Worship/Logistics
Lydia Low - Worship/Logistics
Janice Yue - Prayer/Follow-up
Lee Wan Xiang - Publicity

We're all set to celebrate His goodness and love for us and we're so hungry to be in His presence as a MGS family!

So come join us with your friends, classmates and CCA mates for a night of praise, worship, reunion and fellowship :)

Date: 2nd July 2010
Day: Friday
Time: 6pm (fingerfood), 7.00pm (service starts)
Venue: MGS Auditorium

God is our Father
and we are all his children
makes Jesus our brother
so hand in hand
we'll walk together as one

very much on impulse.

2010-06-18T21:30:00.004+08:00

yup, blogging twice in an hour.

november 29, 2009:

y'know, think I've been missing out on the key point of sharing the gospel this whole time. I really enjoyed today's sermon, short and sweet but put across a powerful message. to mission is to be a witness and vessel of God's love, and we must never forget to really love the people with the love of God that never ends. but to spread the gospel with love is the greatest challenge...cause it's always harder to act on such things than to speak of such things. for instance, we could invite a friend to a service, give him/her a devotional/tract and think it's sufficient - but we're wrong. because if we think our job stops there and that's all we do, then we aren't showing the love that God wants us to show. to really care and let the other party feel your sincerity and love is important, and that means to follow thru' with the person, making sure s/he forms a relationship with the Lord, and praying for him/her incessantly. we should love people even if they don't know us (e.g. mere acquaintances) and even if they aren't exactly love-worthy, because to bless them is exactly how we should walk in His will...we should love the people, even if they're troublemakers, difficult to deal with, resistant to christianity, because to 'speak the truth in love' shouldn't be done to a selected few, but to everyone that crosses our paths. if the person is a hard-to-crack nut, extremely blinded, the more we should be convicted to reach out to him/her 'cause that's how we'll become more and more like Jesus - but no, this isn't what I've been doing. I've been moaning when I see friends tearing up bible verses, insulting God, criticising others for reading the bible, I've been sad that so many people around me don't know the Lord, or have backslid...rather than pushing my way thru', being firm on my stand and sharing His love nonetheless despite their stubbornness. I've focussed so much on personal issues, issues of inferiority, loneliness, jealousy/envy and whatnot, forgetting the key purpose of being a Christian - working out for God, who's in the business of saving souls. I'm probably not the only one...but it's never too late to start, 'cause God knows it's difficult and painful. Jesus experienced it himself...I love God for his faithfulness and his purpose, his timing, his plans, his acts of placing people in my life to teach me such things, to understand Him more, to help me thru' trials, reminding me that Jesus calms every storm in my heart etc. every tomorrow'll be better.

why so relevant to me right now! thank God for blogs, 'cause I wouldn't have remembered I ever wrote that or felt that way otherwise...archives ftw! yup, now that I have the loneliness, jealousy/envy and most of the issues of inferiority cast out of the way, I ought to be that light to the world. and let the Lord's glory be seen by everyone whose paths cross mine. reflecting beats studying anyday, but yes, this phase of life I cannot escape - must study and do well. mm.
to another great week ahead I will look forward. God bless yall. (:

love unfailing

2010-06-18T20:26:00.010+08:00

the knowledge of God has indeed brought me through many seasons of life. the love of God has indeed tossed out every single hurt and speck of unforgiveness in my heart. the hope of God has indeed given me strength to overcome every hurdle. the grace of God has indeed blessed me over all these years, more than I can ever imagine. the faithfulness of God has indeed given me life - because even when I fail Him, He never fails me.

today, I will run to You came to mind. haven't heard or sung it in ages; the last time was some mg chapel (of which I MISS VERY DEARLY!). no matter how many times I hear such songs, the lyrics never fail to speak to me - that's why I always thank God for such talents and for His love for the undeserving, to actually care about all of us and have relationships with us (and hence the birth of lyrics that bless His Name). hope they speak to you too :) go have a listen on youtube!

Your eye is on the sparrow
and Your hand, it comforts me
from the ends of the earth to the depth of my heart
let Your mercy and strength be seen

You call me to Your purpose
as angels understand
for Your glory, may You draw all men
as Your love and grace demand

and I will run to You
to Your words of truth
not by might, not by power
but by the spirit of God
yes I will run the race
'till I see Your face
oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

children's min creative arts camp & annual bible camp were more than awesome. glory of the Lord revealed...filling of the Holy Spirit, reassured faith in a very very real God, heart knowledge that I am set apart for Him (joshua 3:5 "joshua told the people, 'consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you'."), fellowship with fellow CM teachers/YPMers, getting to know churchies better, fun with children!! think it's a pity I have no drive to share about those on the blog right now. but I promise to do that one of these days - when I'm lazy to do other things and want to really talk about the milestones in my walk with God (or in other words, experiences through which I was transformed for the better, through which my mind was renewed and soul/spirit was refreshed so I can more greatly glorify Him) :)
God is good, all the time. thank God, really, that I can now see bad situations in a new light - they are opportunities for my faith to be tested and His love to overflow in my life & lives of those involved/around me.

"give thanks in all circumstances." it's what God is continually reminding me in this season; this phrase is to be so deeply imprinted in both my heart and mind this season (& for the past half a year). for this, am thankful. 'cause when you thank Him even for the bad things that have happened, and with faith thank Him for what you believe will come to pass, there'll certainly be breakthroughs and you seek comfort in knowing that you've surrendered a situation/problem/dream to Him & it's all in His control (of course it would still be in His hands, even if you don't ask...) i.e. you aren't worrying. ('do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself' matt 6:33)

seriously i'm not the most hardworking student, nor am i the strongest or best canoeist, but will press on and live day by day. revise whatever work I can, train as much as my head pushes me to. and as much as i can be bothered about how lazy or inadequate i am, guess i'd rather not right now because what's the point of always being so burdened about and upset over what you set out to do but don't because of your own flaws/weaknesses? yeah, simply put, I just don't wanna keep dwelling on how much a failure I am anymore. God has ministered through many people, telling me to 'not feel inferior'. think that's what hit me most, 'cause that inferiority complex has never quite left me. it's been cultivated through the years, by how others have judged me or felt about me...

and of late, the desire to study medicine/become a doctor seems to be dwindling. and I wonder why. but yes, dad's right. I should continue to pray for His direction. He'll close every door to studying medicine if He thinks it's not for me...so perhaps I shouldn't think so much too right now? handle CTs first. roar.

on a lighter note, you'll never see a better procrastinator than me!!! (:
heeheeheehee.
all the best for terms/common tests JC kiddos!
----

tag replies, mostly overdue (yup, actually have a tagboard!):
tingyannot sure if you're still visiting my blog frequently, but I think you are! i miss you too, thanks so much for upholding me in prayer and stuff whenever (: thinking of you!
tiff! hey tiff, it's been long! catch up soon yeah? so many things have happened...let's allow the fire in all of us to reSPARK ;)
dom hey domxz, thanks :) let God increase in your life okay? all the best for CTs!
ivan hello ivan!
gabrielle hey gabrielleee! d'you have a blog, dear? yup know your brothers! hahaha I was TOTALLY surprised when michael mentioned you! heard you really really study very hard. think I should learn from you! I have no discipline whatsoever, teehee. mhm, that US trip was awesome! but I don't know daniel personally so yup. thank you so much for your well wishes. jiayou with school and cca & all too! see you at YPM. :)
christie HAHAHA HELLO GRANDMA. mhm, thanks for dropping by again then. think I'm less mature now than in the past you know! in the way or things I post at least, hahaha
shi ting hello awesome girl. been a pleasure getting to know you better :)
hansheng tcheh! it's not VERY untaggable is it! anyway I linked you! heh.
jedidah aye aye captain! yes, htht soon. but you know what, team talk was really good that day. see, God guided you through! may His wisdom continue to be upon you :)

searching :)

2010-06-12T15:23:00.007+08:00

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CANNOT FIND THAT JOY IN THE LORD ANYMORE. NOT RIGHT NOW. AND IT SUCKS BEING UNHAPPY, HAVING DARK CLOUDS ALL AROUND ME. ROAR. >:( I NEED TO BE STRONG AND JOYFUL IN HIM. I NEED TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND NOT BE IRRESPONSIBLE. I NEED TO STUDY HARD. I NEED TO BE A GOOD AMBASSADOR OF CHRIST. I NEED TO BE A BETTER DAUGHTER.

there're so many things i regret now. why God would you ever let things happen to your children? too many circumstances can push me to want to give up. but not to persevere would be letting You and myself down. if i set out to reach out to them, i must fulfill that purpose, i'll continue to be a good friend and love them for who they are, even if they've so many weaknesses. although i am utterly upset at what has happened (be it intentionally or without that), i will look past it and pretend i never got to know.

GOD IS SOVEREIGN STILL. even though life is so confungling and there're so many things I cannot figure out now. it's all part of God's grander plan. it's all about Him and not about me.

AIR OF LIBERATION

2010-05-31T01:06:00.005+08:00

HOLIDAYS ARE HERE, FRIENDS.
do you roger that? :)

unbelievable much, half a year has zoomed by. it means there're only 6 (short) school terms to go before the A levels are here, marking the end of JC - which in every aspect is still as new a concept to me right now. the wound is raw, the wound of disappointment when I hadn't gotten more distinctions as I'd wanted to at the Os; it seems it was only yesterday I left MG. really really miss the people, the friends, the teachers, the environment. OKAY GET THIS RIGHT: I LOVED HOW WE ONLY HAD GIRLS AROUND, AWESOME MUCH.

really I'm sure many feel the same. having to leave a familiar place (ten years of methodist girls' school has rendered me helpless in the sea of boys and girls who come from really different backgrounds, having experienced very different school cultures - really, cannot emphasise this enough) and assimilate into this entirely foreign planet - we naturally put on a facet and try really hard to fit in. this hurts alot, sucks alot out of us. but it's the truth isn't it? maybe I've tried too hard; maybe I shouldn't even have cared because romans 12:2 was supposed to always be close to my heart and be that heartsong driving me on daily - it hasn't been. so perhaps the hols is really a good time for me to catch up with all the lost time with God, a good time for me to reflect on how unhappy a "kid" I've been, a good time to reflect on how I've expected too much from Him and not giving anything in return, a good time to deal with how God hasn't made me like other people I admire (albeit outwardly...:/).

I'd say entering rj and joining canoeing has changed me, alot. both for worse and for better. there're just some new issues that have surfaced to be dealed with, when underlying ones haven't exactly been sorted out (like that of healthy eating habits - yes, it sucks thinking every bit of food you eat is gonna make you fat). but serving in children's ministry & being part of YPM has also made me a very very happy person on weekends - which once again is good and bad. good because then I'm fully comfortable with who I am and immersing in His Holy presence; bad because we're not christians until we lead authentic lives christians should - that means an everyday thing, that means it's a lifestyle that is not independent of God at all.

think we should always bear in mind though, and be encouraged by, the fact that God never promised a calm passage in life, but a safe landing. and the knowledge of God surpassing all understanding gives us hope, hope that everyone innately yearns for but do not always grab hold of - either by choice or the lack of it. "but those who hope in the Lord will renew our strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary; they will walk and not be faint" (isaiah 40:31)

okay, mustmustmust study hard! doing badly for CTs would mean risking 15% of the chance of me actually being promoted to j2, hahaha. :) i do thank God for the rj system though - CTs having 15% weightage & promos having 85%; all other tests and assignments not bearing any - because I might just retain if we had to count on those day-to-day pieces of work especially since I'm a big fat procrastinator, and a professional one at that. :) alll the best to all having papers after the hols as well, we have the holidays to catch up and give our 101%!

highlights of the awesome holsss
31st may-1 june: lisa/syafiq/jingsheng's birthday party
2-4th: CAC!
5th: facing the giants movie screening during YPM (ANYONE INTERESTED TO COME? 5-730PM AT CHURCH OF SINGAPORE (MARINE PARADE), DROP ME A FB MESSAGE OR TEXT IF YOU'RE FREE :))
7-10th: COS annual bible camp with some of the girlfriends (jasmine, abi tay, nette, faith, kims, rachel?) & awesome 'family guys' (hopefully ben yeo's going) in malacca!

SIDENOTE: MISS TRAINING AND TEAMMATES V MUCH. >:( IS GROWING FAT BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF INTENSIVE-ENOUGH TRAININGS.

it's up to Him

2010-05-17T22:56:00.003+08:00

(can't blog properly...but I promise I'll do a good reflective post soon because it's necessary and I really need to dwell on His Word like I used to again.)

God is always faithful. working in mysterious ways. though I cannot see what it is He wants for me, I know He'll lead me in paths of righteousness and bring me through to a whole new dimension - where He can use me. cause right now, I'm really tired. and I need to stop saying depressing things. and stop thinking depressing things. it's tough having to push myself during trainings, it's terribly hard being unable to go on anymore (your muscles give way...); it's awfully tough having to go for every single class/lecture well-prepared, but worse to know despite having the intention of being a hardworking good ready student, I'm not achieving those plans; it's grossly difficult to have a constant positive outlook on life, even though He's promised us good (God allows everything to work for GOOD). but nauh, nothing I go through, nothing we ever go through can be as painful as what Jesus had gone through before the crucifixion, as God having to bear the sight and thought of His beloved son dying to redeem every single person.

persevere. joy is eternal while happiness is temporary. trading sorrows in for joy!

love.

2010-04-12T22:13:00.002+08:00

drained but will keep going on.

still love this song as much really.
mark harris' find your wings
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

been awhile.

2010-04-11T22:41:00.004+08:00

highlights:
canoeing nats/raffles row well done dearest seniors. it's the process that counts. it's not about the results, the medals. thanks for teaching me values I wouldn't have picked up from joining a non-sports cca or choosing council over canoeing. the emotional times during nats - how I was stressed over trivial matters - just revealed more of my weaknesses, which will be gotten rid of in time to come. needa be tougher, don't we all? failures aren't supposed to only break us, they are to first break us before we build ourselves up again. it's been awesome getting to know the j1s too, girls and guys alike. ♥ it's all heart from here. :) real training to start soon. the beginning's gonna be really hard for me 'cause I haven't done school team sports before and I have weak core. common leg cramps and twisted ankle. ailments He'll heal. lots of mental will needed too. exhaustion will slowly become normal and we'll all cope with it, somehow. life goes on, no matter what. besides, I'm not alone in this and His hand upholds me through it all.

11S03K class camp was nothing short of fruitful. though we missed people like mahdi, it was good. the support and encouragement we gave each other willingly during height elements; the laughter we shared while we made ugly and overflowing popiahs; the fun we had playing interclass games and spending almost 5 minutes on the first try of the 4 stations (when the objective was to hit under 60seconds). the earnest conversation/genuine sharing we had at the end of it awed me. our expectations of what a fun class' like may just be reached, soon enough. they will. we have more than a year left to go together. let's create lots more great memories. thanks for being such a great, sweet, caring, funny, retarded, lame bunch.

studies lagging behind but will not give up. will draw strength from the Lord. will catch up and be self-motivated. will be consistent once I grasp concepts taught over the past one and a half months. will procrastinate less and cut down on computer usage, knowing it's possible.

time made for God little, less, lesser, least. but He remains in me. His spirit constantly prompts me and I'll learn to be still. (psalm 46:10) once again in Jesus' name claim peace and wisdom for myself. been too uptight, been too drained, been tired, been falling ill. (but thank God very happy too at many instances). haven't spent as much time in worship, in just crying, in just pouring out all that's within me - the heartwrenching reality, the struggles, the failures, the flaws. haven't daily surrendered so He may mould me. for these I'm really sorry...

tired. lotsa work to finish too. but thank God for protected time on monday mornings! shall go to bed now and get up earlier. remember guys, continue to hope in the Lord cause He never sleeps, slumbers or fails us.

GOOD MUSIC, GOOD VIDEOS, GOOD NEWS FOR THE SOUL

2010-03-25T23:30:00.005+08:00

OH GOD, WHAT TALENTS YOU'VE CREATED LORD. AMAZING.
AND WHAT HUMOUR WE CAN FIND. AMUSING. *HAPPINESS*

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1. BEN TOPPED HIS CLASS FOR MATH AND ECONS. hahaha I'm so happy for/proud of my brother in Christ. whoohoo. *happiness*
2. hall done up, in time for service tomorrow night. gooo marketplace hokkien ministry! daddy is joyous. and he's lying on my bed, watching movies on his iphone. if I'm hooked onto glee/fb/msn, HES HOOKED ONTO HIS IPHONE. HOHOHO.
3. today was restful, relaxing and...fruitful enough. thank you God.
4. TGIF SOOOOOOON.
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BLESSED SWEET SEXY STUNNING SUGARY SIZZLING SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY, ATHELIA LOW! ♥ give your best shot for nats! raffles rowwwww! (: we're all behind you. yay.

burn, burn, burn

2010-03-25T14:44:00.004+08:00

CRASH. it's good to not have to go to school and just rest. let my mind wander...
alright, have watched too much glee and wasted too much time. *sigh*
thank God anyway. for today.
-----
music's so therapeutic. so is quality time with dad and nai nai. and glee.
TYG. so very blessed.

speaks so much of my life right now: casting crown's 'east to west'

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

I love you God, very much.

amalgamation

2010-03-24T21:35:00.006+08:00

when two mutually exclusive things come together to coalesce, forming one body. I'd definitely want the positive and negative thoughts that my mind create to merge as one and balance each other out.
--------------

G12 conference was great! Learnt quite a lot. But what really stuck in my head was this:
One day, God asks you to run a race, but you haven't been training. At the racing ground, you see God standing there in his white robe and you look around but see no competitors. And all of a sudden, you see the devil walk in. He's buff and ripped and in your head you're like, "Oh damn, I should have trained." He gives you an evil grin, has fire coming out from his nostrils and winks at you, knowing that he'll win this race. And in your heart, you think he's gonna win too so your heart races. At the starting line, God stands at the side, raising the pistol in his hand as he shouts, "Take your mark!" Your heart feels like its in your throat and "BANG!" God pulls the trigger and the devil drops dead. You turn and realise that the devil was shot and your look up at God and he says, "I have already won the race for you, all you need to do is run."

Illustration by Pastor Richard Witmer.

Thank you God.

from claudo's blog. thanks dear for updating regularly...it's how I get to know how you're doing, at least for now and for awhile from now with both of us so busy.

seriously, I'm tired and I haven't been turning to God. which is why ^ that's a good reminder. it's bad to drift away from God and not having as big a daily portion of Him as I had in the past when life/what's to come was less daunting. that's all I can say. I'm guilty as charged and am not a very happy kid. at best, the smiles and happiness' a mere facet. beneath, where only He reaches to, there're hard pounds on the walls of my heart. knocking by hammers. these hammers - friendships/relationships, GP (dayum, I'm far from conquering this. shucks.)/chemistry (I'm failing)/econs (the numerous concepts)/bio (key words' always missing)/PW (uncritical thinking of mine), canoeing (the inability to perform better - why?), family (dad's expectations, harsh words making me feel like he doesn't understand that I really need time to adjust. jc work is hard. I really cannot pass now.), lack of time management, exhaustion - they work harder and harder, by the day increase in kinetic energy to knock with higher frequencies and force, only to spread me thin more and more. it doesn't matter that it's only the beginning - and when we start off we always fail, and we must keep learning from our mistakes in order to have higher chances of succeeding in the future, yes this I know, we've all been told - it doesn't change the fact that I'm incapable and stupid (or so I think and am cursing myself). I'm failing, falling, wavering.

what I need to remember: there's a reason for everything. God has His purpose, His good will. He could easily have given me a great brain which can give me As in everything, but He chose not to. if He wants, I can instantly be able to balance on every single canoe and not even have to brace because I wouldn't tilt to any side. if it's what He desires for me, I can squeeze time out to watch tv even after finishing every single tutorial, attending every single training, fulfilling church commitments. if it's what He thinks is best for me, I can do well in tests/exams just by paying attention during lectures/classes, without having to complete every single piece of work. but He chose otherwise. He wants me to learn things the hard way. He wants me to remain close to Him and draw divine strength, expect divine intervention, prepare to receive revelations, be ready for breakthroughs...it's comforting to know that I have such a thoughtful, knowing God.. that we all have/we all can have if we choose to believe.

ready.

2010-03-15T10:57:00.003+08:00

HOLIDAYYYYYYYS. :)
REST, RECHARGE, REJUVENATE.
thank God for them.

in any case, I LOVE RAFFLES ROW ttm. the seniors and j1s. (I still love 11S03K as much, so it's okay bros/sis' ;)) think I've found my place, and will continue to build on the passion for canoeing/trainings. it's tough sometimes, it's tiring too. having to learn how to work with/in a team in a sport. it's different from project/event management stuff that I went through in mg. am not too certain if I'm gonna be able to meet expectations, and obviously the pressure of them is daunting...but I'm gonna get by really well and know my God which is above all else will uphold me with His righteous right hand and always make a way. TYG. and anyway, john (jedidah) has blogged all about our weekend, so...I'll just copy & paste what she had/has to say!

Omg i love this weekend! It was so so fun! Though i was seriously sleep-deprived, it was totally worth it! It was spent with canoe-ers!
I think we got to know the guys much better, and their names, ahhaha. & got closer to the seniors too! & together as a team, esp during dinner today!
omg we laughed and laughed and laughed like crazy! I havent laughed like that in a very very very long time! thanks powerbuff girls! :)
omg our powerbuff girls theme song rocks! Cant wait for the blog to be up!
Oh and i cant wait for the pics, we camwhored like crazy! So funnnn :)
I seriously am thankful for the canoe-ers! love love love them so much! we just click together, in a really sweet and awesome way! & the great thing is, they all dream of me at night! right, guys? :) hehehe.

I was motivated by all the pro canoe-ers and our seniors to get buff and get muscles and to be able to do pullups! hahaha, i can do like, half a pullup now? My aim by this year, is to do 2. And by next year, 5! continously :)
lastly, i shall declare that i'm so so proud of every single one of our seniors! They're so awesome, srsly, and who says you've to come in first to be a winner? & omg when we thought we lost the ez-link cards, they were so gracious. But i was super super scared, what if we had really lost it? omg. :/ learning lesson, seriously. Never let impt stuff out of your sight!

i love Isabel (who dreams of me at night!), Kalya (who is a fellow bone cracker!), Sihui (wacky and really coooool and nice!), Jolyn (the super cute senior!), Yanting (fellow ex-cedarian!), Ais and amanda (who are awesome on K2!), Delia (awesome awesome i think one of the first seniors i talked to!), Eunice (who is so funny, and really nice to talk to, esp at the cafe after trainings!), Jin ru(who is happy that she met someone darker than her! hahah)
love love all of them! GREAT JOB SENIORS! :)

note to self:
in a nutshell,
train hard
revise hard
catch up with tutorials for math & chem
rest hard
pray hard
worship hard
focus hard
be discplined
trust.

verse for this season, 2 timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
press in, press on.

Jesus was crucified, He's taken all my pain away...

2010-03-05T22:17:00.005+08:00

I'm not sure why so many things have changed...no idea why people judge you by association and what they see, even though they don't know you personally. it sucks sometimes, really. even if your conscience is clear and you know for yourself who you are, you know for yourself who you are in God, it still hurts to know that people think you're a certain type of person when in actual fact you aren't. it just hurts.
the worst thing is, I have no idea how to redeem myself.
yes I'm sorry I've done things you may not have thought I'd ever do, and I admit I was wrong. just forgive me and forget I was once like that. I want to go back in time, really really badly. right now.
why do people listen to rumours?

you know, maybe it would've been better if I went to ac instead. so much for entering a new environment. people judge more and you're under even more scrutiny. 'cause there is no predisposed judgement - which thank God was good; I was always a good student, a good girl. so predisposed judgement's a double-edged sword. it was the exact reason why I wanted raffles over ac. now I just wanna look back. help.

by His stripes we are healed.

i still miss mg,right now i miss it more than ever. i want people to know i haven't changed.

TIRED AND STRESSED.

2010-03-03T20:23:00.007+08:00

y'know what, I was wrong when I thought I had the worst in secondary school. jc's tiring, really. very very fun though and I've met awesome people and am learning to work with different types of them - now there's more I'm exposed to since there's the introduction of the opposite gender...hahaha school's cool with guys around. some are jokers/clowns, some are witty, some are serious, some are sporty, some are random, some are cute. okay simply put, it's different. but I'm settling in perfectly well, assimilating into the raffles culture as well (of course the IloveMG spirit will always stay within me) so thank God. actually, my life's changed ever since I entered jc - I suppose it's just God revealing His purpose/plan for me day by day and I'll continue believing He only wants the best for me. it's true anyway. I'll listen to the voice of truth and live life the way...I just end up doing. you just know which direction He wants you to head towards.

but I was wrong too when I thought the routine of going to school (and learning, hahaha; how ironic!) was dreary. I LOVE SCHOOL NOW. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING MY FRIENDS AND ATTENDING LECTURES/TUTORIALS. I just thank God each block is only 50 minutes, it makes everything seem less draggy and dry. besides, I've met some very amazing people ;) ♥

what I know for certain: I NEED GOD. I REALLY NEED GOD. IN HIM I HAVE HOPE AND I'M THANKFUL I KNOW HIM. THEY AREN'T WRONG WHEN THEY SAY "THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH". WHEN I AM WEAK HE'S STRONG; WHEN I AM STRONG, HE'S STRONGER & I'M STRONG ONLY BECAUSE HE ENABLES ME TO BE. HE LOVES ME AND I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO HIM AND I WILL SEEK HIM, AMEN? YES. :) I AM HAPPY.

p.s. canoeing is tough. but I will not give up, I can't. I'll get through with faith and prayer. but canoeing's fun too! awesome team. thank God for such lovely seniors and such da-bombz peers.
p.p.s. I'm falling behind in some subjects (or most, but whatever) but I'll buck up and understand every single thing I've been taught. with unceasing prayer and belief in the power of prayer.
p.p.p.s. now I know why people just end up not blogging. there isn't time for it! no more! no more honeymoon period, no more playing around :(
p.p.p.p.s. think I'm sounding less and less mature/serious here, just looking back at my 2009 archives. whoah.

earthly desires

2010-02-19T23:03:00.002+08:00

I THINK I FORGOT ABOUT "BE TRANSFORMED TO PLEASE GOD". (170110)
but I've heard the wake-up call and am thankful God sent people to keep me in check. having to step out into a whole new environment is exciting, but with it comes much choices that I have to make (I had all the freedom) and sometimes you just forget to seek God for the answer, for direction - and then you realise your path is winding, probably not the straight one He wills for us to take. (proverbs 3:6, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight). of course, from previous experiences I know very well that God never leaves, He lives in us and continues to speak to us with a still small voice - and it's up to us to listen. so yes, it's not about when you realise your folly and take action to get back on the right road but whether you do or not.
:)

I love you.

2010-02-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

hey, this is cool. :)
(clare's tumblr, graphjam)

2010-02-13T16:11:00.004+08:00

it ain't exhaustive. it's only the beginning. suck even more outta me, I'll stand strong and prove the world wrong. just keeping pushing myself, just keep moving forward, just keep living a life of hope. must draw divine strength, must trust in the rock eternal, must not seek enjoyment in things of the world. I need to change.

EXTREMELY DRAINED. AND I MISS PEOPLE, ALOT OF THEM :(
----------
Write your plans in pencil and let God have the eraser.

every sunrise speaks of Your unfailing love
every nightfall Your faithfulness
every blessing from heaven tells of Your amazing grace
everything about You Jesus, stirs my heart to praise
let everything, everything within me bless Your name.
I stand in wonder of Your power, of Your awesome ways
God eternal, praise I offer, all of my days
everything within me, let everything within me
let everything within me bless Your name

updates you don't really have to know/care about, hahaha

2010-01-29T23:21:00.001+08:00

Am happy at raffles :) Thank God, really. Orientation's very very fun! Lessons start on wednesday so I guess I wouldn't be hanging around too much! Yay! ♥

2010-01-27T20:49:00.000+08:00

SIGH.

what with love

2010-01-25T21:16:00.006+08:00

today was daddy's day! had lunch @ bukit batok, a drive thru' the bus route of 157 (to RI ;)), ikea alexandra and ikea tampines! just alone with him. figured it was the last time in a long time I can without worry (of wasting any precious time) spend time with dad, have heart-to-heart talks or intense discussions about issues, since school starts thursday. whoohoo, exciting. thanks dad for the wonderful six hours :) love you, dad.

hmm...yes. the reason why there were laws set (in days of the old testament) is so that God's grace and mercy are necessary and viable. there wouldn't be a need for God to show any mercy if there were no laws for people to break to begin with. whoah, insight. thanks dad, again! and thank God more we can now be showered with His mercy and saturate in His grace.
-----------
:)

2010-01-23T01:18:00.003+08:00

SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS
AND ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU
HALLELU, HALLELUJAH.
(from matt 6:33)

it just came to my mind.

2010-01-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

honestly, I'm tired. but I will be found, standing strong, joyful in Him.

IMY.

2010-01-21T22:17:00.002+08:00

I refuse to think about or accept what's sinking in...the very fact that many of us are heading our separate ways. it's for real now, when we say goodbye. it's obviously not gonna be the same in jc as it was in MGS. ten years and finally, I'm stepping out into the real world (anywhere's more sheltered than mg). I'm no longer going to see people like claudo, gerou and sharanya, few of whom I love very very much and share great memories with, (almost, on some occasions) 5 days a week and have their ears at my disposal. we aren't going to lose touch, that's for sure, but of course, the time we get to spend together will be nothing like what we have been allowed to. and I don't like feeling this sad...to miss them and the silly or productive things we do together. I'm going to miss the juniors, juniors who never fail to make me smile, encourage me or just show me who they really are - ie. teaching me how I've been missing the point of being a 'godly woman of excellence' and 'role model' all this while, when I wasn't able to be true to myself or others, be honest about how I feel. I'll miss the side-shoulder hugs, trademark of affection of girls in most girls' schools - but let's just talk about mgs here. many of you probably identify with me too. certainly, it's human to be emotionally attached to people, things, places, but the sense of loss will take awhile to melt away.

whatever it is, I will remain thankful I have the ability to remember and feel the way I do. let's continue to show love and be love! that'll make our legacies (great ones we've left behind, wherever) worth keeping alive.
--------------

on another note, I spent quality time with grandma today. and it really feels good. just thank God I decided to set aside time for just the two of us. without any other distractions, without any other reservations. just catch up with her and really talk, something we haven't been able to do for a long time because I was always hanging out with friends or cooping myself up in the room using the internet (ugh!). seeing how happy she was...just makes me so utterly contented to have such loving grandparents (who're willing to buy me anything I want, or do anything, serve me in whatever way they can just to make me happy) and at the same time regretfully guilty for being rude to her sometimes or snapping at her just because I can't tolerate her nagging and idiosyncracies. glad 21 january 2010 was spent fruitfully; grateful that before school starts, I set things straight with the grans - they just need to know that soon they'll see much less of me and they're gonna have to cope with it...
but really, today was awesome! think my very hip/modern nai nai & I just brought the entire shopping mall home - or so says ye ye and dad. hahahaha so funny. ;)

/

2010-01-19T23:16:00.005+08:00

sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if it's normal (or abnormal) having positive thoughts all the time. I wonder if not being so optimistic could make a difference in helping others who're more messed up than I am because then I could better stand in their shoes. and probably then be able to understand, better.
--------------
oh well. happy thought: I'm going back to MG tomorrow! yay! :)

I want glee and chuck and big bang theory!! after I watch 'faith like potatoes'...another facing the giants (just facing the giants is unbeatable)

love the family.

2010-01-19T10:39:00.003+08:00

HI WORLD, SHARE MY JOY AND LAUGHTER ALRIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHA, MY NAI NAI IS TOO CUTE.

nai nai: 刚才爷爷打电话来，我下去要听你知道我做什么吗？
me: 什么。。。
nai nai: 我把 remote control 拿起来，还讲 "hello hello???"
me: (in realising her silly mistake and what old age does to people sometimes) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, REMOTE CONTROL?!?!
nai nai: (still laughing) 哈哈哈，爷爷就问我 “为什么你讲话这么小声！” 我们笑不停。
me: 我听了也要笑你，奶奶！hahahahhahahaa.

that conversation totally made my day. 'cause I just woke up when she walked into the room to tell me that. all she goes now is..."我真的是老糊涂了“ :(

p.s. sorry to those who don't know how to read/don't understand chinese, but just know my grandma mistook a remote control for the house phone - the control was on the sofa arm while the phone was on a table next to the sofa. :) it's funny!

a thousand times I've failed, Your mercy remains

2010-01-17T23:07:00.005+08:00

this song's stuck in my head. catchy but meaningful. the kids like it!
I've got heaven on the inside of me
Peace and joy, God has set me free
Heaven is a reality, abundant life flows out of me
I've got a smile on my face, a glide in my stride
I'm tasting His grace and I'm walking by faith
I've got heaven on the inside of me
I've got heaven flowing out of me
Bringing heaven into this world
amen.

I'm extremely blessed to be part of the children's ministry too. feels like I'm taking baby steps to learning how to nurture the kids, how to respond to the different behaviours, how to build rapport with them. it's an exciting journey, really. it's an eye opener, 'cause my sunday school was never like that. there's just alot more I can learn, alot more I can receive from serving God thru' this ministry. plus, made lotsa new friends :) seeing God thru' these people always encourages me. wouldn't ever deny my gratitude towards the Lord 'cause He's really placed me in the right places, with the right people to grow me and just bring me to another level of fellowship with Him. our God's quite amazing, doncha think? :)

one and a half more weeks of holiday. seems like two months have gone by in a blink of the eye - but what's new. doesn't it always feel this way? time never stops for anybody...with all my heart I pray I've spent my past dozen of weeks fruitfully and they were days lived pleasing to Him. but I'm guilty of not taking time out of each day (which I spend having fun, doing things I want which are of the world, lazing around etc) just to spend time with Him. does He not deserve a little bit of our time? sure He does - after all, the time we have comes from Him! so I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. morning dawns and evening fades - the process is quick and I have no time to lose in wanting to build a stronger relationship with Him. He's my friend too, and if I can talk to the friends around me for hours when they call (or if I call them), I too should call on God (jeremiah 33:3) or pick up His calls. think He's waiting for me...I just needa sit myself down and set my heart right and be still before Him (psalm 46:10). maybe it's something alot of us are struggling with, just cause it seems so trivial as compared to chatting on MSN, stalking on facebook (hahaha I'm guilty as charged), watching tv (MY CSI MIAMI IS FLASHY BUT AWESOME, haha. law and order: special victims unit!!), reading magazines (national geographic makes me happy :) *hinthint*), spending time out, gymming...I don't know what else. perhaps exactly why the church's theme this year's so apt for me - think God will transform me this year so long I get over such hurdles...and thank God that I would. :)
"BE TRANSFORMED TO PLEASE GOD", that's the theme.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."(romans 12:1-2)

we're left with 13 days.

2010-01-14T21:29:00.010+08:00

Blessed birthday Miss Ng! Continue to stay young @ heart and touch the lives of your students & everyone around you. :) (tho' you don't read this, it doesn't matter)
----------------------
just realised...how we pray really depends on the seasons we currently go through and the convictions we have. which means you can read somebody's mind more than you usually do through their prayers - you know what they're probably struggling with or are thankful for. and whoah, so I guess we can know the other person better in this way! cool revelation.

edit:
finally went running after two weeks! feels good. :)

yeah, we all are.

2010-01-12T17:49:00.000+08:00

(http://papertissue.tumblr.com, http://www.flickr.com/photos/danske/4259618791/)

HOW AWESOME IS OUR LORD MOST HIGH.

2010-01-11T16:11:00.008+08:00

let me tell you why God didn't give me 7A1s. He knew I wanted to go on stage but if I did, I'll probably steal His glory and enjoy the limelight. pride would come in and that'll kill all the progress I've made in growing the humility in me. God's purpose is really great, His ways and thoughts are really greater and higher than mine (isaiah 55:8-9). but really, to God be all the glory for the 6 subjects I received A1s for - because He granted the desires of my heart. no more, no less. just 6 for l1r5, and a pass for higher chinese so there's 4 bonus points. I was disappointed, frankly. the only thing on my mind for half an hour - "I didn't do well enough. I didn't give my best. I could definitely have done better"...exactly how much of God can anyone see thru'/in me from that? none at all..so much for godliness with contentment. I wasn't godly, I wasn't contented. but thank God I realised soon enough, the full picture as to why I didn't do any better.
1 thessalonians 5:16-18, "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

I'm really really really really really really really blessed and I don't even deserve this much. GREAT BIG THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO'VE FAITHFULLY KEPT ME IN PRAYER, WISHED ME ALL THE BEST AND CONGRATULATED me :) too many to name right here, but I really feel the love and appreciate it all very much, so thanks for touching my heart/blessing me!

heartiest congratulations to: clare fong, mill!/pawitporn jianprasert, rachel choe, vanessa, mich hwang, xiang, anisha, madeline ang, jia yhin, grace, ding, leeks, abi nyam for being few of the many top scorers :) and other 6 pointers like sherri lee, ggggr! and to the churchies like elissa, shuxin, ben yeo, terence etc., abi tay & gab who did higher chinese. to everyone else who did well...but ultimately, God has a purpose and plan for each and everyone of us. surrender our futures to Him and He'll see that we go thru' a successful, triumphant life - not one rid of troubles, but one full of victories in Christ, amen? :)

must never forget. God is good, great, awesome, faithful.
faithful.

2010-01-06T10:50:00.004+08:00

this is purely a ranting post yar,
I'm unfit and fattttttt.
I haven't cleaned up the mess in my room
I need to exercise - want to go swimming but the weather doesn't always permit this.
OKAY, I'm done. enough of the Is.

:) The joy of the Lord is my strength.
Os results release on monday at 2pm!
BIG SMILE.

2010-01-05T10:19:00.003+08:00

I really really like every bit of I will lift my eyes it brought me through the hurt, pain, negativity and Os. and each time I listen to it it speaks to me in a different way. God's small still voice penetrates through the walls of my heart...and it'll be the same for you if you let Him. :)

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb

hey God, please take the highest honour

2010-01-04T22:14:00.004+08:00

it's not about perfection but direction. this year, I'm gonna aim to live a pure life. "it's not about where you have been, but where you can go." we all deal with different things - but we definitely deal with SOMETHING, so to live a pure life, I'll do my best to be honest with myself and admit what exactly it is that I'm dealing with. without admitting the issues, it isn't gonna be easy moving on and changing (letting God change me). guess it's important to remember God doesn't expect us to be perfect. we just need to make sure we're willing to give of ourselves, without reservation, to Him to work in us. life's short, and to make it count, I want to do things that would count in His Kingdom. to lead an outstanding life as Christian, to be different, to not be afraid of being shamed and mocked at for being 'weird' and 'obsessed with God' (which by the way, I need to remember to release the hurt of mom saying this of me), to glorify His Name are lofty desires. but they aren't impossible. I just know it. you'll be surprised at how strange and unfamiliar 2010 will be, so will I 'cause we don't know what tomorrow holds. we'll leave that to the Lord.
"seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." (matt 6:33)

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and purify our lives
we need Your perfect love we need Your discipline
we're lost unless You guide us with Your light

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us

we cry out for Your life to revive us cry out
for Your love to define us cry out
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until You return

oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us
[2 x]

You would reign in us

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and send us out
so the world may know You reign You reign in us
[3 x]

--------------------------------
collecting os results soon! I refuse to speculate or think about it - hahaha, so much for not being in denial. but anyhow, let's wait in great anticipation...let our worries not cloud the hope of doing as well as we long to. let us not lose sight that His thoughts are higher than ours, His ways are higher than ours (isaiah 55:8). let us not forget that no matter how we do, whichever educational institution (or work field) we end up in, God has a greater purpose for us. just believe it with all your heart and peace will fill it. with all your soul trust that everything'll turn out fine. :)

right now, I'm just preparing myself for the nostalgia that'll rush into me as I walk into school tomorrow. it feels kinda weird not having to return to school today. I'm so detached from doing work, gaining knowledge/learning from textbooks and studying it sucks. shucks! but okay, no fear. will definitely be able to adjust quickly enough right? when jc starts 28th jan. mmm.

hahaha, looking thru' my archives is really entertaining. there were times I was acting mature and other times I was seriously immature. it's so amusing...but the process reminds me of His faithfulness. He never let go.

You're worthy of all our praises

2010-01-03T21:23:00.012+08:00

(albeit belated but better late than never...) HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY, HAVE A VERY BLESSED 2010!

"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." (proverbs 3:5-6)
not the most uncommonly mentioned verse, but sometimes we take it at face value. trusting ALWAYS isn't easy all the time; we tend to listen to our own minds rather than be led by the Spirit and act in accordance to His will 'cause it's in our nature; we may not be seeking God FIRST once there're so many other distractions...but if we do what the verse states, if we do place focus on our big God, then He promises to make our paths straight. I think it's a noble promise, but He never breaks any He makes (1 corinthians 1:20, my favourite verse, haha! hint hint. write it on my birthday card. ;)), nev'r ev'r!

pretty excited about the new year. new chapter, new journey, brand new environment (new school, new ministry, new friends). new habits. new challenges. exciting much! :) usually, I talk about what I thank God for in the past year here, but this year I decided I'll keep things more personal. in fact, His blessings are countless, I'm unable to keep track - even tho' I tried my best. do journalling, guys! I think it reminds me of His faithfulness as I flip thru' it whenever I'm free to pick it up. I'm just really grateful for the ups and downs. YPM camp concluded my 2009 very well - if life could be a story. "give thanks continually", "in all circumstances", good or bad, give thanks!; surrender; be transformed. from the inside out. that's it. God didn't make me go thru' a rough year for nothing. you'll definitely agree going thru' trials and tribulations; suffering; confusion; hopelessness; helplessness; hurt; emotional turmoil; conflicts and whatnot all brings you closer to the Lord - because you learn to rely on Him more and realise no one else can give you the strength to get thru' those, give you peace to calm the storms, give you victory to overcome. none but Jesus, none but God who has greater things/plans in store for us. we just need to trust He'll help us be good ambassadors of Christ and...yeah. you get the idea. :)

praise ye the Lord, hallelujah!

p.s. oh, grans are nagging about the mess in my room again! actually, I'm quite at a loss of what to do in these few weeks (other than packing up, organising/photocopying notes and reflecting) I feel pretty bored already! knowing most are returning to school. :(

2010-01-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

everything's happening too quickly. coping with changes may not always be easy, but it's just part and parcel of life anyway.

looking at the big picture.

2009-12-29T23:54:00.002+08:00

it's going to take a very very very long time. but no matter how long it takes, I'm gonna pull through. I'll change. I'll fulfill God's purpose as He reveals more of it to me. goodbye to nonsense - please, I hope everyone just forgets how much of an ass I was. with time... :)

fear.

2009-12-29T11:40:00.002+08:00

how one can be so consumed in fear and uncertainty has never failed to amaze and amuse me, not that I haven't been one such person. sitting in the consultation room with a grandaunt on the wheelchair, a frowning dad standing with well-defined wrinkles and a medical officer flipping through documents, what I only notice are gu po's trembling legs, thumping heart, teary eyes and apprehensive facial expression.

what happens to everyone else out there like gu po who doesn't have hope in the Lord and peace that transcends all understanding? the same.

make a difference

2009-12-28T23:14:00.004+08:00

by being the difference.

GOD HEARS. GOD ANSWERS.
"To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue."(proverbs 16:1)

for strong convictions,
for being filled with/led by the Spirit,
thank You Lord
I just want to thank You Lord

---------------

hopefully cycling tomorrow! :) yay.

2009-12-28T10:39:00.009+08:00

soar and take flight

I'm very sure emotions can be controlled. I'm very sure it's possible to not let them run, only leading my footsteps as much as I allow them to. I'm very sure I'm not ready for what might be. oh besides, life is more than 16 years of age and the future counts alot more than what I've lived through. so wise critical decisions can only be made when I'm more mature, I guess.

right now, I'll have to work on spending more time with the family, despite all the fun I'm having with friends out. there's a time and season for everything - I guess I forgot about this for two weeks now. but again, there's a first to everything. if moving onto the next phase of life is to be restricted, I'll never grow up and only keep growing older. both parties need to learn - the adults have to let go and let the kids be independent and the 'kids' (I don't like being called one, but it's alright) need to take flight slowly. we just need time to get used to whatever's new. the new normals are created - tho' the standard of 'normal' has never been less than iffy.

There is a time for everything, and
a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
.........................
He has made everything beautiful in its time.

ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11a

P.S. I'm meeting part of CC0809 soon! whoopee :) I miss mgpb!

don't leave me, please

2009-12-27T00:01:00.011+08:00

firstly, congrats Nicole (chee) on your baptism today! bear in mind that "if God is for (you), no one can ever be against (you)" (romans 8:31b). lots of love!

secondly, I conclude from many incidences such as tonight's that I finally understand the true meaning of 马路如虎口. no kidding. finally, after using this phrase in chinese compos and being tested in ting xie in primary school countless times. never cross the road even if the green man's shown. drivers can be very reckless and deem traffic lights pointless. nonetheless yay, I AM VERY VERY VERY VERY HAPPY. PRAISE GOD.

thirdly, this totally speaks to me:
"if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"
great is your faithfulness oh God
you wrestle with the sinner's restless heart
you lead us by still waters and to mercy
and nothing can keep us apart
so remember Your people
remember Your children
remember Your promise
oh God
your grace is enough, for me

fourthly, life's good and the journey towards making good friends/of walking with the Lord and His people is simply wonderful. cause God is good all the time, His Name's greatly to be praised!
with a truthful heart
Lord I come before thee
open my eyes so I can see
with a grateful heart
Lord I come to receive
Your spirit of humbleness and grace
how could it be, that You would care for me?
how could it be, Your blood was shed for me
how could it be, You've crowned me with
Your grace and glory
Oh my soul, sing praises to the King
You have removed my bondage, my chains
You have removed my burdens and shame
You have removed my sorrows and pain
Oh my soul, sing praises to Your Name

fifthly, I seem to be busier during the holidays than during normal school days. tight schedules, late night chats, time out with great people - things I enjoy very much suck alot outta me physically. but it's all worth it. it better be.

sixthly, I miss mg! cc0809, mgpb, gg, 4G, juniors, peers, teachers. still thankful for all these for shaping me and bringing me thru' ten years of my life (yellow brick road part 1). things wouldn't be the same without mg.
-----------
random notes:
PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. *hintbenhint*
remember, I thought a 59 minute phone call with Claud was madly long 3 weeks back. apparently, I was wrong!
holidays aren't that boring after all. I have awesome friends!
time for some chilling out at starbucks!
2010 comes soon! ie. time to photocopy notes for juniors

No coincidences

2009-12-22T23:35:00.004+08:00

God's definitely telling you something when you think about an issue more than you've ever have and have two people (Godly cousel, actually) tell you the same thing about this issue. Continue to ponder, Gillian... It's probably time to really think about the future, what I want for myself and what He wants for me.
The most important right now's to focus on studies and learn to place Him in the centre of my life, learning to surrender, let go and let Him take the wheel. My desires are nothing when His ways and thoughts are higher than mine...
Thankful to have heard what I did and thought about, uhm, creatures I unfortunately and fortunately not know well yet just cause we're anatomically different
;)

2009-12-21T11:32:00.005+08:00

last night...: "i think everyone should have abit of childishness(?) in them. makes life more cheery" mm yeah, true. never thought about that! I like hearing such new perspectives.

this morning I got up at seven automatically. it's not very nice to be unable to sleep tho'. but still, thank God for that 'cause I decided it was a nice breezy peaceful morning to go downstairs by the poolside to do quiet time. first time I've done a thanksgiving prayer for that long. there're really too many good and bad things to thank Him for, at least for this year. in fact, it's so hard to even think about what happened in the beginning of the year, 'cause it didn't seem so real after all (self-destruction and whatnot). reflected upon and rewrote the key things learnt during ypm camp for two hours...it's been eons since I last spent that much time with Him alone. while at it, realised it's important to give closure to issues that plagued me through the year and actually pen down what I want to do next year. 2009 has changed me alot...I think I can be more resolved and disciplined from now onwards. I think I can. and that's good enough, it's enough for Him to do His work in me because I'm willing to give myself a chance. will you give yourself a chance too? to prove you can do greater things? 'cause it's His will to help you achieve your best/what's THE BEST for you.

:)

p.s. the next time you see me anywhere, just please I beg of you, remind me to sit myself down at my table and clear my secondary school work up? thanks man. hahaha

2009-12-20T22:59:00.008+08:00

EMMANUEL.

right now, I'm really sleepy but don't feel like doing much. I need to stop being as emotional as I am and making decisions based of how/what I feel. we're sometimes driven by our moods too much aren't we. another very very short week ahead. I think this year zoomed by too quickly...but alright, life is lived forward.

-------------------------
best song for the season: we are the reason - avalon

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we’d find
But we never realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
All because of love
All because of love

I finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him (every part to Him)
And all that I do every word that I say (you know I’ll be saying)
I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him (every thing for Him)

2009's ending. rough year but God's faithful. ♥
and we're promised a victorious, glorious life. to Him be the glory.

caught up with Lujia over lunch today! thanks so much for sharing all you did and for lunch too! :)
weird to not have people like Rachel and Annette around. at least they'll be back soon! shall have to really treasure this hol before it's back to school...this is possibly my last 'holiday' holiday for awhile.

anyway, TIME FLIES - as if I needed to remind you.
we all have friends for different seasons. they leave, but thank God they left a mark. sometimes, not saying anything to the other person doesn't mean we've forgotten him or her, it doesn't mean she or he matters less - just, there hasn't been a right time and mostly, what we want him/her to know very much stays in our hearts and minds, going only as far as to our throats and never out of our lips. a pity. but I guess it's always the journey that counts. thanks to those who've walked with me thru' smooth and rough paths alike, you guys played a part in shaping who I am. and who we are's great because we're built up by such people. people that come by to change us and leave after.

dad suggested I start thinking about my future. jc's short. only two years. what with work attachments, scholarships, building up the portfolio...? he's right, I should. just right now, I should settle how I'm gonna get out of the holiday mood and start the new school year afresh and think of how I'm gonna manage my time with all sorts of commitments (which I choose to have)...I really meant AFTER I SORT OUT MY NOTES AND MY MESSY TABLE. :(
plus note to self: gotta revise chem!!! my chem sucked.

We are the reason.

2009-12-18T23:47:00.001+08:00

Always a blessing to be in church...to hear God speak and have the congregation respond enthusiastically :) if it makes me happy, it definitely pleases God.

Lunch was good :) shared a carls jr burger with Jane. Feel so bad she always treats me - plus it's her birthday in awhile! Anyhow, nice coincidence to have met Estella, Jasmine, Glenn and Tai Wei. Service was good too - God was given all glory and I pray hard we stole none of it. Was great to see Faith and Krystel around too. God always reminds me of His love and faithfulness by placing such people in my path even when I least expect it. It's a reassurance that we're all in the same family and as sisters/brothers in Christ we look out for each other. Even a smile's enough to make my day :)

On rejoicing, the pastor mentioned psalm 45:7 - "therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy." Oil of JOY, guys! Let not the things of the world steal any amount of joy you deserve and receive from you :) there's much morewe can rejoice in. Such a timely reminder.

-----------------------------
Blessed birthday Jane! Thanks for being such an awesome friend and mentor :) and for all the encouragements and prayers. God bless you abundantly and continually use you mightily!

Tomorrow...I'll run errands in town and finally sit downandget studious ;) with jasmine before ypm. Fun- filled holiday.

2009-12-18T09:24:00.006+08:00

I could nearly blow up at dad, I could nearly pray God would allow me to give up pleasing the family. but no, that would be denying God's existence, omnipotence, omnipresence...we aren't allowed to give up, not until He comes back for us 'cause it's in His will for us to pick ourselves up everytime we fall down. and He does the supernatural when we do the natural (looking to Him)
I could nearly hope that life was more fair, until I realised life is only as fair as we make it out to be. God's a fair God.
I could nearly be bitter and resentful towards him for taking away all I finally have that I wanted for a long time (e.g. friends you can trust in and just laugh together, time spent unproductively but still enjoyably, having zero guilt after snacking like mad - hahaha) just because he cannot let go of me to let me be independent...but aren't all those things what God has blessed me with and likewise I should be surrendering them to Him? He's in control, not me. besides, he's my dad. there should still be respect for him and hatred shouldn't be built. in the words of my good friend jane, "embrace mercy and grace always. God looks at your heart and continue to delight in Him."
I could nearly say 'I don't want to go on anymore.' but that's foolish. God didn't bless me with wisdom for nothing.

Guess that settles it. I just don't like people making assumptions and not knowing the full story - but sometimes I do the same to others so yeah, we'll have to work on that. everyone goes thru' this whole stage of growing up and getting mad at parents because they (grownups) can never fully understand. I mean if even people our age can't truly understand us, let alone the adults whom we probably talk to a quarter the time we do to our friends. what drives their words and deeds tho' are most of the time just worry and concern. putting ourselves in their shoes could probably help to calm us down and think. I guess we shouldn't blame them but rather thank God for them (someone had to remind me of this too...see, God puts people in our lives to build us up). adults are just paranoid, adults want to understand but sometimes it's 'cause we don't let them in.
eu. koo once told me "i believe we all go thru different phases in diff periods of our lives - and we deal/cope w emotions differently during those times as well. so just know tt there's no need to fault urself for reacting adversely to the things that trigger u off..coz thats not quite the point. it's more impt to try and rationalise why those things make u react the way u do..there's a root cause to everything kiddo, and its impt tt u sit urself down at some stage and try to figure out what it is really tts biting u all this time." and to have been led to reread that is a sheer sign that I need to take action soon. y'know...the whole sitting down and figuring out part of all the struggles, when you're tied down by the chains of roller coaster emotions and hurt.

:)

piecing the puzzle together

2009-12-15T21:22:00.005+08:00

YPM Camp '09 from the inside out!
we fall short of the glory of God, so we don't steal any of which belongs to Him.
it was really really really really awesome.
everything about it. His presence, messages, the people, the games, the altar calls, the food.
:)

okay, busy days ahead. but with things that aren't all that fulfilling...
yet again, there's a purpose for everything. even lazing around. it gives rest, yeah?
some day soon I'll sort my new year resolutions out. those are important. it's gonna be another new year of blessing and faithfulness (His, mine, others').

grans and xiao gu/uncle eric have gone to view some houses...does it mean I'm finally moving out? we'll see if God allows the en bloc of this pretty condo. haha.
right now, I'm trying to fill my heart with other things that won't cause me to lose anymore sleep at night. sometimes you think of people you shouldn't, sometimes you think of people you can, you love subconsciously, and the body responses weirdly. tossing and turning. waking up 5 times isn't nice at all.

there's something I need to work on with no delay tho'. friendships that tear because of an unknown force - it's like one-sided and the other party (alright, that's me) has no idea why there's now an invisible barrier. people can build us up or tear us down when we're 'only human'. but we aren't...we've got the Lord's strength and it's enough. He turns bad into good anyway. I'll get thru' this 'cause in life, this' merely a trivial challenge, tho' important.

thank God for mom who seems to be in the business of getting me new phones and paying my phone bills - if it makes her feel better that she can't daily care for me. manually copying contacts (got to do some housekeeping, yay!) and keeping a record of messages I've saved in my old phone has been pretty time-consuming. but the messages and people mean alot to me...while I was at it, I looked back thru 2009. too rough, but God placed so many people in my life too who always tried to reach out to me (I'm sorry when I didn't respond kindly).
in mg, I've met lots of amazing people, 3 of which are clare, miss ng and ms ho. they are the few who are extremely busy but cope very very well! that spirit of determination and discpline was highly motivating. :) haha.
in church, I've met lots of new friends my age. now I feel I have a life. the life God gave, a whole life 'cause He came to give us an abundant life, life to the fullest.

note to self.

2009-12-07T22:47:00.008+08:00

hence, and henceforth, pardon all the self-centredness displayed. thanks.

over the next few days...
things to do:
1. email for SM training
2. upload photobooth photos for claud
3. pack for camp, buy gifts for mortal/angel
4. finish christmas drama signs (scene 1-5, 赌鬼)
5. read newsweek x2, time
6. read the shack
7. accompany nainai to tangs to get mops and woks and whatever
8. shopping with nainai! retail therapy :) 'tho it's for christmas gifts for the kiddos.
***9. pray for ypm camp and all that comes with it
------------
today,
cycled with claud
visited isaac's new house @ siglap hill (zomg, it's really really really far in, and the Lord gave rain.)
watched new moon again with ms lim, vivien, tabitha & ina
ben & jerry's
pageone

looking back at photos from lower sec, and even last year, I can't help but thank God for how he's brought up beautiful girls and blessed us/me abundantly...honestly I think most of us have changed, very much outwardly, but so have we in character. and guess the latter is non-arguably more or the most important. it's amazing luh. I still cannot forget how God brings people so diverse together to unite for various causes e.g. mgpb, cannot let go of the fact that we're all different and special in our own ways and all have things to offer, no matter how major or minor they are, they still contribute to whatever we're doing as a team.

I ought to really spend more time reflecting on the past year. am unsure when I started to become less inclined to doing soul-searching, 'cause it used to come much more naturally, and it was good when I did. right now, it's hard to begin...but I'll do it if I have to - maybe, SINCE I have to. hahaha. and it's always good to sit down and sort whatever thoughts out and make sure decisions made at whichever time, whenever in the future'll be decisions that are wise (hopefully) and not worth regretting.

apparently I've also taken into looking glum. but it's nothing bad, I think it's just 'cause we all get tired of smiling after awhile and when we're tired, we all have the liberty to just look exhausted and be true to everyone around us. it's a new normal people get used to, maybe after a long while. but really I'm still very happy right now. about everything! about new friends I'm making, about laughter I'm sharing with much more people than before...y'know, my age. so if I miss school so much, at least there's church right now. :) and, I'm excited for camp. yay!

I tend to speak understatements. I'm more than excited. :) after camp, I'll find time to watch:
chuck
how I met your mother
glee
bones
burn notice
house
big bang theory
pushing daisies

I'll also make sure I stop putting off gymming, which I enjoyed every other day before the sept hols, but have since gone only once after the Os, SIGH. PHAT. hahahaha.

can't wait!

of nature and laughter

2009-12-06T23:51:00.006+08:00

alright, the previous post was just another rant, but the quote really made alot of sense. and sometimes, it's what we really have to do - to let go - if we really love somebody. because we know s/he'll make it out on his/her own one day, and then we can be proud of them. :)

today was nothing short of awesum, and that's all thanks to God who'll never make good things awry, and when our plans are according to His will (prov 16:9), He showers us with blessings of grace, more than we can ever ask for. for instance, good weather - 'cause it stopped raining when we (the cell) got the botanics. on the same note, I'm glad He put me in this cell 'cause it's a new experience...uh, for starters, you kinda grow less innocent and more sensitive to stuff teenagers talk about, HAHA. and we had lots of fun, well at least I did. running around and playing monkey/catch. who cares that I suck so bad and that I'm so short (shucks, I'll never stop getting teased at >:( but it's okay, GG.) and hence keep becoming the monkey. for once in the LONGEST OF TIMES I felt ACTIVE, zomg. hahahaha, think we played non-stop for at least half an hour...and the amount of perspiration was enough to compensate for the approximate two months I haven't been training/exercising much. harhar, at least I definitely hope so! but I'll go to the gym soon - moreoever, it's time to drag dad there too, his pot belly is growing too big for comfort.

we had the christmas drama rehearsal filmed, and we (most of the team) watched it in the meeting room thru' 7pm...it was good to learn from our mistakes, to see how we can improve and build on each other's weaknesses. we had awesum chicken rice @ tanjong katong for dinner - I never devoured food like that ever. must be all the energy lost at botanics, hahaha.

whatever the case is, right now I'm just looking forward to ypm camp! from the inside out. lots to expect from the Lord, lots to offer to Him too...just praying for a deep encounter, to really be in His presence. have our spirits refreshed and renewed for the new year. super excited, yay. :)

for record's sake, just spoke on the phone with claud for 59 minutes, it's a crazy amount of time. I've never had such a long phone call in a really long time. and it's always enjoyable to talk about things you don't exactly do with anyone, and laugh about stupid things. maybe it's 'cause she's rubbish and I'm nonsense. :) :)

2009-12-06T08:59:00.003+08:00

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
and when that somebody has to tell you that, when that somebody says "righto! so go spread your wings. you never know who you might just meet that will change the whole course of your life..." I suppose that's the first step to letting go. because she loves me, she's letting me go, but with the knowledge that I'll return to her one day. it only hurts right now, but scars heal, right? He heals.

-------

but there really are many other things that are bugging me. I'm never going to be allowed to be a 16-year old, and do what teenagers do. and that's painful. because whatever path I take, I wind up making someone or another upset because I'm growing up. that sucks.

take my hand

2009-12-04T10:36:00.005+08:00

cycled a little on wednesday in the end, thank God it made me feel a little more active, because I'm gonna turn into a fat ass. hahahaha. right now, I'm at claudia's place and she can't decide what clothes to wear, it's really amusing but k, it makes her her. :) we watched new moon yesterday and both agree it wasn't exactly that good. but each to his/her own preferences and opinions. played star wars and cooking mama on wii! when we do, we sound and look hilarious. watched csi ny and miami too, very awesum how they come up with such complex plots...and by the end of the episode, everything falls into place and you understand the entire picture. it's amazing.

I need to stop sleeping in 'cause this makes me even more of a fat pig, unfortunately. but probably have to sleep much earlier because I've been tired for no good reason, sigh.

church today! literally, TGIF. seeing how I'm in church friday to sunday (this makes grandpa unhappy, but let's just keep praying He comes to know the Lord), guess every weekend from now onwards'll be enjoyable. *happy* also, thanks to claudia, I now have a new devotional...which I must admit is really good, enough for the everyday busy kid (well, definitely doesn't describe me at this instant) 'cause it's just a few pages a day. the verses are even printed in the book you don't need to refer to the bible...'course, not that I don't like reading the bible, but hahahaha, tell me we aren't suckers for convenience? nah. if you were wondering, it's called 'living life' and tho' I'm two months behind, I'm grateful to claud and fcbc (who encouraged the entire congregation to do QT with the same material).
-----------------------
wow, I wrote this sometime back. God really gave me many more chances after that. falling down should never be seen as defeat, because apparently, there's something called 'picking yourself up'. it's exactly what we must keep doing until He comes back for us. life's all about it anyway, we all need struggles/trials, we all need to fall into traps/temptations, just so we learn to treasure life more and believe how much (more) we need to rely on Him.

He tides me over,
He longs for me to see who he truly is.

I have won, I'm the victor.
The devil tormented,
the angels sing.
Defeated I've been,
but now I live

He's healing, as
He calms the raging seas
Hope arise, every moment
Held in his hands

Second chance gained,
second chance lost
Third chance comes,
there's no giving up, no backing out

Failures accepted,
but I'm still all time low.
Times I ask why I'm such a letdown,
God's satisfaction overshadows,
disappointment fades

They say let go,
He says hold on
Hold on tight as
waves come rushing

Receptive to his words and not theirs,
nothing will bring me down now

ramblings.

2009-12-01T23:50:00.005+08:00

THERE'S NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC IN VIVO, THIS IS THE BOMBZ, THE HIGHLIGHT. I KNOW WHERE TO GO FOR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. so boomz right, I know...hahahha. watching 2012 for the second time was as good as the first, honestly, I'll never get bored of the show! and zomg, guess what, I don't even have to wait for the 'someday' - if it doesn't rain tomorrow Claudo and I will go cycling. this makes me happy. :) plus, grans come home tomorrow!

why are you taking so long to come?

2009-12-01T00:22:00.010+08:00

people have told me I ought to be more cheerful. maybe I should try...

sorry for the lengthy posts of late. anyway, I promise I'll have earlier nights for the next few days. because being up too late makes you more drained than you ought to be, and your thoughts tend to run wild. :) but pretty importantly, I want to make sure I wake up earlier in the mornings, so at least I get some time alone with the Lord before all the business kicks in for the day.
but hey! good news, I've only got one chapter left of nineteen minutes to go, and I just picked up nat geog. and newsweek at the petrol kiosk ie. I'm gonna have a not-so-boring time while I stay up tonight. right now, it's enjoyable chatting with charissa online. I know you're happy for me too, thanks ;)

I wonder why january's taking so long to come. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to say "praise God" even if I do badly, tho' I want to do that...even if I end up failing myself and disappointing alot of people (which honestly wouldn't be the first time, 'cause I only keep doing this), will I be able to say "God, lead me to where you want to place me". eventually I believe I'll end up where He wants me to, just the whole process, the entire journey I'll have to go thru', that sort of emotional roller coaster, just to reach february. yet, 2010 just seems so far away, maybe it's because there's hardly too much to look forward to - I'm a sucker for satisfaction and contentment, which have proved to only make me fall more than I should.

and if you decide to be stalkerish, I'm watching 2012 again tomorrow...haven't been out to town or anywhere else besides marine parade/the west. how nice it is to be admist a roaring crowd in a large shopping mall - it's nice knowing you're only a small part of the world that He's created, it's nice being a small, insignificant figure so you don't have to be scrutinised as much ;)).
wednesday maybe I finally get to go cycling (with claud). afternoon I get to meet xiang and uncle kiat, perhaps reminsce some sec one times - those moments we could play with expensive lightings, those moments we cooked up about 200 hours of CIP (save the 36-hour school service cap, sigh) from rehearsals and all, those late nights we had, those dark corridors we crossed, simply put, from eve to mary the musical was awesome.
thursday claudia will get her polaroid and we can take a nice bff photo (and make her HT jealous, HAHA), watch new moon, and yes, finally eat ice cream at marche because I've been craving for it and she has free coupons (thank you Lord I get to grow fatter :P and be blessed by zomg, wonders of what ice and milk can do), play wii (guitar hero, cooking mama, star wars!), chat, and sleepover at her place.
friday'll be a good day. parkway and church the entire day keeps the boring ol' me at bay, hopefully. the Holy Spirit will move and I will surrender.

edit: posting this made me realise I can only take my mind off things and actually be happy when I post about...the details of life. wonder why. or perhaps I'm just beginning to find myself again, and believe life's exciting and there's much more in store. such times you can only be in awe of what He can do, how He can turn circumstances around and even control your thoughts and feelings.
---------------------
if only blogs could be private - the internet's never foolproof or completely safe (I don't know when I stopped having the urge to blog on lj, but thank God I suppose...it means I have nothing to hide): sometimes, just sometimes, I wished it wasn't only my dad I could tell so many things to, maybe everything. I'm really blessed I'm so close to my parent, but there'll always be certain limits you do not cross because you aren't going thru' the same things. I've got lots of good girl friends, willing listeners, even an awesome godmom, but you'll always need someone else to fill that missing hole in your heart. but patience is a good virtue, right! hahaha :)
on a similar note, dad is super cute. who says this with a cheeky grin and break out in a giggle after: "no, you're not allowed to have a boyfriend until you graduate! not when you're still studying!" dad, I'm never telling you anything again, not anything that I want, hmph. just kidding.

someday soon I'll go cycling, blading, and botanics to take photographs. I remember ever mentioning that I want to go around singapore to the less frequently visited places that are the very essence of this little red dot and capture moments that only come by once on a pretty dslr. man, I need to start saving up.

because, because,

2009-11-30T15:28:00.003+08:00

this makes me feel better about what I'm doing right now:

gi says: (PM 03:23:32)
uhm. im eating like one slice of tiramisu cake. extremely sinful and probably giving myself God knows how much fat
gi says: (PM 03:23:38)
but okay. it doesnt matter.
gi says: (PM 03:23:39)
hahahaha
gi says: (PM 03:23:43)
/rant
--nicole. is away 1-12 dec. says: (PM 03:23:57)
hahahhaha cute rant :D
--nicole. is away 1-12 dec. says: (PM 03:24:42)
and heck with the tiramisu, youre giving yourself endorphins of pleasure!

-------------
even talking online can really cheer you up, make you feel less alone:
(on claudia's new polaroid cam, laundry and excitement)

;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:31:43)
the film comes in a pack of 10, so i can only take like 5? cos if i take with you we'd take twive
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:31:44)
*twice
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:31:52)
expensive but worth it:D
gi says: (PM 03:35:58)
ohhhh coolios
gi says: (PM 03:36:00)
k! :D:D
gi says: (PM 03:36:02)
YESSSSS FINALLY
gi says: (PM 03:36:04)
I CAN LIKE>
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:12)
hmm?
gi says: (PM 03:36:17)
collect photos (:
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:22)
HAHA YEAH
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:27)
we can get someone to help us take.
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:31)
like can ask my maid.
gi says: (PM 03:36:33)
i hate it how i always type the extra '>' when i'm excited/oncaps
gi says: (PM 03:36:35)
: D
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:36)
then we'll make sure it's supre nice.
gi says: (PM 03:36:38)
she'll be back already?
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:38)
HAHA.
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:41)
yeah.
gi says: (PM 03:36:44)
gr8
gi says: (PM 03:36:46)
NO MORE LAUNDRY
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:47)
shes coming back tmr i think.
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:52)
HAHA YESSSS>
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:36:54)
HAPPPPYYYYY
gi says: (PM 03:36:57)
HAHAHHAA
SEE WHAT I TOLD YOU
gi says: (PM 03:36:58)
ABOUT THE ">"
gi says: (PM 03:37:10)
(Y)
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:37:17)
HAHA
;CLAUDIA' ` Hooray for the madness, we are better by design says: (PM 03:37:19)
YEAH.

2009-11-30T00:14:00.003+08:00

I know I'm being highly nonsensical by wasting my time blogging all day long, but I seriously am bored and had nothing to do yesterday. Dad's still not home...

I'm feeling extremely nostalgic right now. you want so much to go back to the past, feel like you belong to a school that made you you because of the culture and the people. you miss the teachers (who really go beyond limits to bless you); you miss the friends, the people who helped you grow, built you up, loved you, gave you hope, encouraged you; you miss having to focus and study and scold yourself for being 'too slow'. above all, I want to go back to when I seemed to have a faith that was child-like. There weren't any qualms to how much I believed God had a purpose for me, how much He loved me and how good a person I was, because I'm made righteous in Christ. somehow, things turned for the worse this year, and I was made to go under the knife's blade, to be sharpened, to deal with trouble (in which is found in the world, but He creates peace in trouble)...and simply put, a whirlpool of emotions, a state in which you really felt like you were dying and everything that made you you was being sucked out of you, you were turning into someone nobody could understand - not even yourself.
but as much as I miss these things, God is always in control. God will forever be God, and I'll let Him take the highest honour, have the greatest glory (and I'll never steal any) and be in the highest place.

today, I was led back to 'I offer my life'. it was for a period of time the song of my heart. I thank God we sang it during service today, cause I think this time round, I truly believe that my life has been made for His glory, and I know He'll use me as He wills. all glory and praise is His for whatever breakthroughs I've had, and like we always say, we don't go thru' good and bad circumstances for no reason, they only prepare us for the future, prepare us for more, prepare us for when we can help others who go thru' what we have. amen.

all that I am
all that I have
I lay them down
before You, O Lord
all my regrets
all my acclaims
the joy and the pain
I'm making them yours

things in the past
things yet unseen
wishes and dreams
that are yet to come true
all of my hopes
all of my plans
my heart and my hands
are lifted to You

Lord I offer my life to You
everything I've been through
use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
lifting my praise to You
as a pleasing sacrifice,
Lord I offer you my life

and I better mean what I sing, what I say, what I proclaim. :)

can you not tell, life is boring

2009-11-29T22:52:00.006+08:00

sigh, I want to watch glee! but I forgot about downloading episodes 1-3 that day...shucks. oh well, hopefully the entire season comes out in stores after they're done with the 20ish. I only watched 1/5 of the first but I really like it...the themes put across and whoah, the voices that blow you off. amazing.

on another note, sometimes when you don't face up to issues you know you need to settle as soon as possible, procrastination will have a place in you, and maybe, just maybe, you'll never find a solution. but that's not how it's meant to be. guess she's right, 'dig for it'.

it's a new week, man. I can't wait for tuesday night's rehearsal, friday service and ypm. I can't wait to meet claudo for new moon (I srsly don't fancy it at all, but ah, just for the thrill and sake of saying 'I've watched new moon! why haven't you?') on thursday and sleepover, play wii, go crazy and whatnot. I hate it that I'm craving for ice cream at 11pm at night, tell me there's something wrong with me. I shouldn't be fond of such fattening food!

I really miss talking to you...
there're some people you never hold anything back to care about, to ask about, to share about life and all with. cause you know they care too and always tell you what you need to hear whenever, and even ahead of when you need to heed the advice. they're amazing like that.

2009-11-29T22:13:00.001+08:00

gi says: (PM 10:12:36)
so how have holidays been!
megan says: (PM 10:12:49)
LOL
megan says: (PM 10:12:52)
UNBELIEVABLE.
megan says: (PM 10:12:56)
UNBELIEVABLY BORING.
megan says: (PM 10:13:00)
HAHAHA
megan says: (PM 10:13:00)
you?
gi says: (PM 10:13:01)
(Y)
gi says: (PM 10:13:11)
you're not alone.

evidently we mostly feel the same.

tragedy strikes when we don't dream at all

2009-11-29T18:16:00.009+08:00

I wanna go to eastern europe. I wanna go back to US with the same group of people (clare/maddy/grace/mill/fern/claudia/zeeie/abi/ms ng/ms ho etc). I wanna visit New Zealand (land of wonder...) I wanna go to Japan and Korea again. I wanna go to Switzerlandddd. I wanna go to Bangkok (to visit Mill and shop). I just wanna be out of town and immerse in the beauty of nature. vast blue skies, large green fields - y'know, the kind with the golfcourse kind of grass. beautiful lakes.

but these are wants. and wants are never-ending, infinite. we probably need to grow to be content of all that we have, and believe what we have is enough. we have all we need and we should stop expecting so much from the world. we do, though, need to keep expecting more from God, because He will continue to provide, provide more than we ever ask for and imagine.

is it always that easy to believe what we speak of tho'? nah. but if we have no choice but to keep telling ourselves such things for a long enough period of time, we might as well start trusting we're speaking the truth, cause then we know hope's in our hands. the ghosts that haunt you will be in your control...and you begin to look at the good side of things. seeing how having higher hopes/expectations and lower contentment drives us to fall even harder, we must try to remember that to dwell on failures, no good's gonna come upon us. (wouldn't even deny that it's so much harder convincing ourselves that we're successful and worthy/deserving of praise, than to settle with lowly judgements and pessimistic viewpoints. it's pretty natural, once you grow up having to be critical of everything, you become anal about all sorts of things and such values cultivated in you brings about less happiness - logic and happiness never agree with each other)

-------------

y'know, think I've been missing out on the key point of sharing the gospel this whole time. I really enjoyed today's sermon, short and sweet but put across a powerful message. to mission is to be a witness and vessel of God's love, and we must never forget to really love the people with the love of God that never ends. but to spread the gospel with love is the greatest challenge...cause it's always harder to act on such things than to speak of such things. for instance, we could invite a friend to a service, give him/her a devotional/tract and think it's sufficient - but we're wrong. because if we think our job stops there and that's all we do, then we aren't showing the love that God wants us to show. to really care and let the other party feel your sincerity and love is important, and that means to follow thru' with the person, making sure s/he forms a relationship with the Lord, and praying for him/her incessantly. we should love people even if they don't know us (e.g. mere acquaintances) and even if they aren't exactly love-worthy, because to bless them is exactly how we should walk in His will...we should love the people, even if they're troublemakers, difficult to deal with, resistant to christianity, because to 'speak the truth in love' shouldn't be done to a selected few, but to everyone that crosses our paths. if the person is a hard-to-crack nut, extremely blinded, the more we should be convicted to reach out to him/her 'cause that's how we'll become more and more like Jesus - but no, this isn't what I've been doing. I've been moaning when I see friends tearing up bible verses, insulting God, criticising others for reading the bible, I've been sad that so many people around me don't know the Lord, or have backslid...rather than pushing my way thru', being firm on my stand and sharing His love nonetheless despite their stubbornness. I've focussed so much on personal issues, issues of inferiority, loneliness, jealousy/envy and whatnot, forgetting the key purpose of being a Christian - working out for God, who's in the business of saving souls. I'm probably not the only one...but it's never too late to start, 'cause God knows it's difficult and painful. Jesus experienced it himself...I love God for his faithfulness and his purpose, his timing, his plans, his acts of placing people in my life to teach me such things, to understand Him more, to help me thru' trials, reminding me that Jesus calms every storm in my heart etc. every tomorrow'll be better.

2009-11-29T15:42:00.005+08:00

don't we all yearn for sweet endings? I see I've found myself ahead of one...which I ought to be thankful for, I guess. I'll once and for all leave behind the past, look past all negativity and start the new year on a clean slate...we all should and can do it.

after all, we 'can do all things through Christ who strengthens (us)' (phil 4:13)

finally started going for ypm. it's still amazing how God planned the way for me - from joining ypm camp last year (thank God vanessa was going too) and hence getting to know some people, to signing up for this year's (knowing He's going to do something wonderful), thru' the year receiving smiles and greetings from those few friends I got to know (assured they're really nice/warm people), going for service second week after os ended and having people like jasmine/abigail/estella (whom I met at some hoksvc-othersvcsi/cs lunch, whoah, what are the odds) to sit with, then for once, experiencing what cell's like (God's answer to my prayer to put me in the cell He wanted me to be in was thru' aunty evelyn's sudden coming up to me when I was in the toilet and said "can I transfer you to another cell? they need more girls"). we can never understand how He works, but He only works for the good of us. I'm really new to the youths and really am far from being well-acquainted with the people, but things will be alright...yes, they will right? it doesn't matter that I'm not as close to some people as others, because going to church andh aving any sort of fellowship is to really glorify Him. the purpose of life is to live a life pleasing to Him, lead a prayerful and worshipful life...yes yes. I'm certain.

------------------

this is noteworthy: I almost fainted during praise and worship. what anyone can learn from this - don't take medication on an empty stomach, probably choose to rest if you're sick rather than go out and risk falling, eat breakfast. sigh.

anyway the next few days are gonna be really boring. I'm really bored and alone at home now. but it doesn't really matter. I'll just find stuff to do, and time will pass, quickly enough. hopefully. can't wait for ypm camp and christmas to arrive. and perhaps, some tentative bangkok trip. I'd really like to meet up with friends like clare, claudia (ong), maddy, sherri, petra, michele, gerou, choes, becks etc. soon...I miss mg :(

for now, shall continue with the mundane routine of life, just lazing around, reading, resting, thinking and whatnot. I never realised how empty I'll feel without having dad around tho' I'm always nagging him to get out of the house and get busy with work..maybe it's 'cause it's a sunday and he's never anywhere else but with me on sundays. I'm this bored because he isn't here to entertain me, but in batam with uncle stan/aunt eve etc! but alright, it's a good thing he's there, learning from unc stan's preaching and stuff. and the batam-ers get to be blessed by his message. so what's my 'loss' of dad for a day as compared to him being equipped with skills God wants him to be?

and not forgetting to pray that examiners/markers in UK are in good moods while marking our papers, extremely careful to not spill coffee over onto our scripts (thanks to neville for this suggestion) and are awed by our creativity. hahahaha

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. (2 corinthians 9:8)

P.S. CLAUDIA ONG LETS PLAY GUITAR HERO. LETS JAM. LETS TALK ON THE PHONE NOW. I'M BORED.

write love.

2009-11-26T11:27:00.005+08:00

back from penang! facebook for photos :) too lazy to say much, 'cept...awesum worship and fellowship.
God hears, God answers, God loves, God blesses us, more abundantly than we can ever imagine.
♥

I miss you all. I miss school. I miss the friends, the people I care for, the people I need to see to have hope, the people who give hope... but sometimes, distance doesn't matter. most times, in fact. love and care are matters of the heart, you feel it or you don't. and you feel it because of past experiences, no one can take it away from you except yourself. the only person who'll ever remember such feelings existed would be yourself, anyway.

HOLIDAY TIME. I CAN READ ALL I WANT NOW, SPEND THE WHOLE DAY AT BORDERS AND DRINK COFFEE SOMEWHERE. this kind of life is perfect, at least as perfect as it can get. haha kidding. probably'll try to master some instrument rather than being able to play all of them averagely, as the saying goes, 'it's worse being a jack of all trades but a master of none' - that'll most certainly brighten up this mundane life of mine. you don't have to hear from me how boring holidays can get right? how lonely you can get during the time periods you used to have friends and teachers with you (even walking by and smiling was enough to cheer you up) but not anymore? 4G WE NEED A CLASS PARTY, PLEASE

but thank God for the great weather today. seeing how hot it is, it'll probably rain later, but I will not forget that rain is necessary. it reminds us of His presence and power. sermon during camp was on The Lord's Prayer. when you've no words left to say, no idea what to say,

our Father in heaven
hallowed be Thy Name
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts
as we forgive our debtors
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil
for Thine is the kingdom,
and the power and the glory
forever, Amen

overall, I'm happy (this is worth taking note of ok), thank God. I'm so glad I went for bible camp. there shouldn't and needn't be any talk about regret. even if God decided to take me back to heaven today, I wouldn't mind. to die will really be to gain. I've received much more than I ever should deserve, but again, whether we're deserving or undeserving should never be an issue. God continues to give willingly.

things I ought and need to do:
1) meet up with teachers/classmates to play chitchat relive moments share laughter eat and grow fat (hahaha) and whatnot ♥
2) tiff grace diane pang fan jieyi claudia, we should meet
3) send emails (oops)
4) organise notes...
5) finish nineteen minutes, reread kite runner, read the shack, max lucado's many books, like a diamond in the sky, don't look back
6) EXERCISE
okay I can't really think of anything else now.
just need to sleep.

the speed of sound.

2009-11-20T00:45:00.012+08:00

I miss alot of people. alot of things.

--------------------

coldplay!

How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where To, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees,
every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

sometimes, music helps you block off thoughts, other times, they make the thoughts louder. whatever's left of the times, music reflect your thoughts. that's why I enjoy listening to lyrics more than rhythm/melody and the technicalities...

--------------------

retail therapy rocks, any day. but I didn't get enough time in borders, sigh. 2012 was good, you should catch it. elements of life, family, love, humanity (or inhumanity), creativity, intelligence.

penang soon, I will eat and grow fat, ~~I know you're happy for me too :)~~

--------------------

time doesn't stop for anybody. neither does our world come to a standstill just because we're hurt. life goes on, and you learn to cope, you learn to deal with the pain that is nothing compared to what Christ felt. nonetheless, the feeling of brokenness should not be slighted. it should not be hidden. I will not hide it.

"just because you don't physically have broken bones, that doesn't mean that you aren't feeling broken. at some point in their lives, everyone will experience a season of pain" (jamie tworkowski/to write love on her arms)

there's nothing else like this

2009-11-17T20:30:00.007+08:00

at the hospital(s), I often find my thoughts wandering in one direction. why is life so fragile? why are some people physically stronger than others? why do the elderly look so hopeless and helpless, so sickly? why are some unable to afford as good medical care as others? ye ye's now on tablets that cost almost $4 each, which is honestly crazy. thank God he can afford such medicine, but what about those who cannot but need them?

--------

time is passing too quickly, especially so when you don't want it to. it's mid-november already...it takes some time getting used to the fact that it's okay to be relaxing this much, to not be productive. I'm stressed I'm not doing work that I've intended to do yet. but okay, guess now's the time to rest.

played wii and had awesome dinner (thanks clare:)) at clare's with mill. mill's leaving for thailand tomorrow! nothing better than to sit there with friends and just play. I suck at wii seriously, but it was still fun laughing and teasing each other. we should all do more of such things. spend time with friends and do random things that can make you happy, no matter for how long.

I miss school, I miss studying with mill, jia, sau and clare. I miss the late nights with wans and becks, afternoons with choes. I miss sitting at the bench behind the lockers on the first floor to do any work or cram 'cause class is always too cold or too noisy. I miss the teachers...:(

it's comforting to know how far we've all come and now we're granted time and the right to rest and do more of what we want to do. it's reassuring to know that we're loved, we're blessed. so very blessed.

healer.

2009-11-16T20:44:00.009+08:00

Another mile down the road
Another mile from our home
At times I feel quite alone
Cause you know, cause you know all there is to know
So hold my heart, as it’s breaking apart
And I’ll hold yours in mine

Oh oh oh oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you’re never far away
From me

I close my eyes and try to see
See you right in front of me
As if you’re only in my dreams
But you are everywhere and in between
You’re the moonlight in the dark of my night
And you shine bright so I can see

You catch my tears as they fall
It’s like I never left at all
And all the world feels so small
Cause right now we are high above it all
So hold me close, don’t ever let me go
Tell me what I already know
never far away - rush of fools

think I just found my song.

-------

been almost 4 days since os' ended, I tell you, no thrill at all. boring, very very boring. maybe it's also 'cause of how antisocial I am. I've been in church, at the hospital or with juniors. so much for wanting to keep built friendships. :( if not, I'm in front of the computer, tv (ohhh how i love the crime shows, give me my csi, law and order:special victims unit...), by the piano, holding onto the guitar or being a bookworm. so hello world, don't miss me.

note to self:

plans for the coming weeks (because obviously my memory is failing me...sigh. had to promise, and then break promises 'cause of stm). I live to serve my family, man. I need friends, I need time alone...sigh.

now: upload photos for grandpa & dad

tomorrow: follow grandpa for his medical appointment, go to nuh to visit grandaunt before settling stuff at st lukes or something

wednesday: send mill off, 2012 with Dad, shopping hopefully..., see the dentist to fix the elastics (which I took off on 28th oct because I couldn't sleep that night and it was amath paper 1 the next day...dr yeo is going to slaughter me for this)

thursday: maybe I'll get to meet Jane for lunch and catch up.

friday: church

saturday: dad's graduation @ church

sunday: church, leave for penang at midnight

monday to thursday: penang bible camp

friday: church

I guess my life's quite purposeful yar. I don't know when I'm going out with friends. I want to go pulau ubin cycling, ECP blading/cycling, movies, shopping...

big on winning.

2009-11-10T22:23:00.003+08:00

no more h/cl (hopefully...), ss, history and physics for the rest of my life. how awesome. only bio and chem mcq to go. we've survived more or less 16 papers! it's crazy. brain's fried.

before all these end, before life's excitement comes to a halt, before things will change, before more trials and tribulations come along, I ♥ BIO, I ♥ SCHOOL, I ♥ you.

I need to know there's a bright future ahead of me, I need to know things will be better. I need to know I will only become smarter, not foolisher, not stupider. I need to know I can become a genius and not merely watch others rise up and be miserable about my lowly position. I need to remember that all things are possible, cause they are with Him.

there is more.

2009-11-01T22:23:00.001+08:00

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me
more - matthew west

.

2009-11-01T14:35:00.002+08:00

cannot study anymore. shucks.

I am stressed. bye.

dad says "the tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. - prov 18:21. watch your mouth, don't say die when you have the power of the Holy Spirit in helping you in whatever you do. don't let satan ve a foothold on you. you always forget that, keep saying negative words, by doing that you are not bringing glory to God. seek forgiveness from Him and He will help you."

for everyone who's like me...saying that you will die...

sigh.

more than conquerors

2009-10-25T20:26:00.006+08:00

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is lost
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. (isaiah 40:29)

all the best for Os!

(many thanks to all for the kind wishes and care/concern. keeping y'all in prayer too)

no time to lose.

2009-10-24T21:10:00.007+08:00

"Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place." (2 Corinthians 2:14)

-------

guess you won't be seeing me lurking around here...
what joy. I will not complain.

I will be glad to share how soon I'll be free. wonder how much information I'll be able to retain at the end of it all...preferably most of it. because I don't want to have wasted 16 years of my life gaining knowledge (that seems to have by far incessantly vanished with the physical presence [the absence, rather] of regular examinations that force every single drop of brain juice out of you):
26/10 1.30pm - 3.15pm: english paper 1
26/10 4pm - 5.40pm: english paper 2
27/10 2.30pm - 4.30pm: math paper 1
28/10 2.30pm - 5pm: math paper 2
29/10 2.30pm - 4.30pm: additional math paper 1
30/10 2.30pm - 5pm: additional math paper 2
02/11 8am - 9.30am: social studies
02/11 2pm - 3.45pm: chemistry paper 2
03/11 8am - 9.30am: history elective
04/11 8am - 9.45am: physics paper 2
04/11 2pm - 3.30pm: physical geography
06/11 2.30pm - 4.15pm biology paper 2
09/11 8am - 9.30am: human geography
10/11 8am - 10am: higher chinese paper 1
10/11 10.45am - 12.45pm: higher chinese paper 2
10/11 2pm - 3pm: physics paper 1 (mcq)
12/11 2pm - 3pm: biology paper 1 (mcq)
13/11 8am - 9am: chemistry paper 1 (mcq)

we will not lose hope. we can do it.

broken

2009-10-20T23:05:00.001+08:00

as children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He was my Friend

but then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

at last I snatched them back and cried,
“how can you be so slow” –
“my child,” He said, “what could I do?
you never did let go.”