too many things have changed, are changing and time isn't stopping for me to catch my breath. all I know is that this unhappiness must not last, the negativity should not plague me this much, I shouldn't return to who I was in the past, more damaged and self-destructive. all I know is that I haven't got many months left to actually prepare for what we understand as the single round of examination that all the 12 years of schooling culminates in, the dreaded As which will determine the course of our lives from now on to such a large extent. it's a scary thought isn't it, to have come this far, just as we may have prayed for time to pass more quickly so we can get over the phase of being a student by name (since we gotta keep learning through life) already - but now that it has we're just so reluctant to move on with the times 'cause we know for certain that anything can happen once we step out of this bubble of school life. all I know is that I haven't kicked the habit of procrastination yet - which has been present ever since I started blogging (hilarious how archives date back to july 2006) - and it might just destroy any chances of me doing as well as I should so it's something I should start working on even if people might argue it's too late. all I know is that I haven't been faithful in sustaining my once-close relationship with the Lord and the fact that He has never left me and will never leave me should be enough to give me strength to start shifting my focus back to Him. all I know is that my life doesn't only belong to me, but also my loved ones, and whatever I do or think can so affect them. but there're so many more things I do not know, so many more things I have to learn about people, about myself. there're so many ways I have to change myself for the better, there's so much more humbling of myself to do, there's so much I'm lacking in.

so joy joy joy, please come back to me
I will have faith that it isn't just what I want for myself but what He wants for me and thinks is right

I miss being happy.

God's really good to me.

on another note, I FINALLLY GOT TUMBLR. it's so inspiring to find pretty photos and beautiful quotes; fun reblogging them. :)

it's been awhile I must say and I apologise for being MIA. many things have changed since I last posted but one has remained constant - the fact that God is still very part of my life, still who loves me the most, who sustains me day in day out. :)
the best change would really be that I've found that joy that used to always be in me again, and for as long as I'm willing to surrender my life to Him it'll probably stay this way. the holidays have been really really good; God is really good all the time. it's not that there aren't hurdles to cross 'cause life without challenges would probably be very boring, rather it's the choice to see the good in everything and trust in Him to turn any bad circumstance into good. the biggest problem right now's because I'm enjoying myself so much, 've got a feeeling my academics are gonna suffer real bad next year. nonetheless I'll have faith in the Lord to be with me whether or not I study hard (actually, dad says it's more of studying smart than hard and he's right huh) and perform as I should...I believe sometime back I spoke of the As I want by CTs 1. SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE BUT LET'S CLAIM THE PROMISE IN MATT 19:26 THAT WITH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. hahaha mind you, I'm not being unrealistic because I'm optimistic and neither am I idealistic. lofty goals aren't bad when you keep going back to your humble beginnings and keep Jesus at the centre, no? anyhow, I TOUCHED MY NOTES YESTERDAY AND ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND RESPIRATION NOW. it's better than not starting on any revision before school starts in 2 weeks+ (we must think self-preserving thoughts okay).

on another note, IT'S CHRISTMASSSSS. blessed Christmas everybody. may the love of God overwhelm you this season of giving (and joyful receiving) and be the strength of your heart as you embark on a new year of life (of which poses new challenges) :)

I feel like whoever reads this space deserves to hear more but am not too able to be anymore coherent than this, sorry friends! if there's anything you should take back from actually bother to read about my life here (I do feel honoured about this thank you), I pray/hope it's that living in/with/for God is a very awesome thing and life can actually be really beautiful when you learn to see things from His perspective.

on my way - corrinne may

I'm far away from what I've known
And there's static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I've been up and down this winding road
It's getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled, my coffee's turned to grey

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Sweet embrace, I'm on my way

So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke
How many miles must I go till I rest in your grace?
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me a sinner or a saint?

But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I can picture your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
If I ever get lost, I know that you'll find me
There's a cross on a hill
Saying, "Do not be afraid"

I'm on my way
If I keep you in my sight
I know I'll be alright

'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Don't give up on me, I'm on my way

I'm on my way

/
I thought I'll be happier being less busy but that hasn't really happened. now that it seems I have time on my hands (could really spend it more productively but I'm not pushing myself enough) I feel like I'm losing control over my life, that I'm not letting God take the wheel. really happiness is temporal and what I, we should embrace is eternal joy...most unfortunate thing is it's been weeks and I still haven't regained that sense of purpose. it's beginning to annoy me because I'm not sure what has made me change -- honestly don't wanna go back to those times I'd hear voices, not of the Truth; honestly don't want to have to fight the demons within me every single moment; honestly don't want to have to tag positivity to every thought that sprouts (because they're more often than not negative). sometimes I think I want too much, I ask too much out of this life that doesn't belong to me but Him, the life that I merely claim to surrender to God solely. it's really one thing to talk about knowing God and actually knowing God...sigh. where has that hope so sure gone? I'm sure it hasn't left me 'cause God never runs away from us but only towards us, but it's a struggle taking the steps to draw closer to Him in such spiritual dryness. so even though that anchor for my soul, that peace in the worst of times seems so far away, it's always been present. He's omnipresent. just needa find Him again (psalm 46:10) right? I don't wanna change for the worse, instead I wanna continue be a light to the world, and continue to bring joy to others without a speck of pretense.
it's not easy, not at all. but His grace is more than enough for me and I need to trust
this is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
this is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

put the geniune smile back on my face, won't you?

H1 chinese - check.
H1 project work - check.
happy, happy. :)

post-PW has been rather eventful and enjoyable, I suppose (albeit at the expense of beckoning tutorials). but I really miss 3K! plus, there's no more tutorials with the class for the rest of the year! anyhow for the record,
thursday: WEIJIE'S 18th! hope you had an awesome birthday! good lunch at YCK sakura and lepaking (monopoly deal!!) in town.
friday: chris' place with weixuan & russell! awesome times with my bros (Y) know1ng, sex & the city 2, national treasure; swimming; racquet channel; posting statuses on behalf of weixuan & russell on FB!
today: reading, chatting with nainai, town alone, church (sermon was powerful :)), MONOPOLY DEAL after dinner with merrilyn, javian, nichoong, gabrielfang and ezra. :D
ultimate lepaking, but this is the life man. thank God for every single split second.

I SHOULD START DOING MY TUTORIALS

going back to ignyte saturday and seeing all the girls (& guys) was really awesome. :) being in the presence of God's always uplifting.

our God reigns His love will never fail me
our God reigns He's ruling over all
in all my life, in every situation
I know my God is greater,
my God is over all

need something to help me regain the overflowing sense of joy...but well just found one!/

it's not about perfection, but direction. it's not about where you've been, but where you can go.

joy joy joy, where art thou?

sometimes you bleed just to know you're alive

BLESSED 17th BIRTHDAY LAVANYA
THIS SPACE IS JUST FOR YOU, MY BEST RG FRIEND. thank you for always being so supportive of my decisions when appropriate; thank you for appreciating my strengths but not overlooking my flaws; thank you for praising me when you deem fit, scolding me for when you do; thank you for being who you are.
can't do you justice with a post here man, but may the Lord bless you very very abundantly and for as long as our friendship lasts, CHEERS, my dear girl. *FIST BUMP*

i will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains i can't climb
i will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild
i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside
i will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

only You know.
for certain I know: even before we call He answers (isaiah 65:24)
coming before God with a broken and contrite heart/spirit I hadn't even known about was about the best thing that happened to me for awhile now. (:
---

truly thankful for promos' results. they may not be the best but it's more than I'm entitled to ask for, for the amount of effort I put in and the level of focus and discipline I had, hahaha. for any disappointed hearts out there, hope you find yourself with more trust/faith in self again 'cause you're better than this, better than all the dwelling on "on hindsight I could've done so much better". :)
godliness with contentment we equip ourselves with as time goes by...

p.s. 6/8 for AQ was a miracle. PTL

I never knew IHC could be this exciting but it has been. (: looking forward to school everyday now! but soon there's chinese As and PW OP coming up - which is real serious stuff...but again, with God all things are possible, shall conquer them well yes! all the best to those having major examinations as such too.

life's good, especially when you choose to have a positive outlook!! thank God I've made that choice. you should too, if you haven't! ♥

the joy can never be overlooked. (neh 8:10) although sometimes I still wonder if I'm too happy - does it indicate I'm not caring enough? perhaps my attitude towards many things have turned progressively cavalier. :/

my God is bigger than any goliath out there

renewed sense of joy and purpose. thank God I woke up on time for service this morning (having missed yesterday's...really glad there're 2 ignyte services every weekend) - it's something about the worship and Spirit that awakens me from the dullness of the week.

so how much is too much, really? in opening up to others, I mean. do really ponder over this alot; and perhaps in even saying this, I'm putting up too much of my thoughts on display just like how I've always been? truly wish I had an answer, but since I don't, guess it's best to continue being who I've been for a long time, who I am, no?

I'm a happy girl. last paper in less than 8 hours, lecture notes sit on my desk - no, I will not compromise and put anything else above God alone. this week has been one exciting one, not because of the anticipation of the end of promos, but rather that He's taught me new things about faith, joy and living in the moment. while it's hard to feel guiltless knowing how unprepared I am for some exam, for any exam, this time round am thankful I managed to not sacrifice quality time with Him for sleep, or studying for papers that determine my course of education -- His strength & peace renewed in me daily as I surrender (or do my best to) sustains me through the day, really. while the defeatist side of me can surface times immediately after papers I feel were unsatisfactorily executed, I realised too that trust doesn't mean not having those bouts of frustrations (all the complaining yadayada like "crap i freaking messed up" :(); trust in His goodness and to commit all my hopes and expectations to Him is to not go down that downward spiral of self-destruction and let the sense of failure overwhelm me, instead eventually going back to Him again and again, just kneeling in His presence and admitting how weak I am, how much I hurt inside when I know I could've done something better (not just in this context) and letting Him do what He knows is best for me. been learning alot too about setting the altars of my life right. know I hardly ever feel the (un)familiar sense of euphoria that tends to mark the end of exams, which is admittingly bewildering, but...

PROMOS. 10 days to the start, 16 to the end. hang in there guyss

18 days to go.

He's called us for more. more than how I'm feeling now I should look to God and renew that strong faith. man disappoints but God never ever does. His love > anyone's love (of which I've received from many, thank God. so so so so blessed)

you seem so far away

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

being emotionally-driven can very well translate into, or rather contribute to, vulnerability: how much are we sucked into believing so many things approved by Man or what is said to be 'politically correct', that we lose the control over our own perceptions because we don't formulate our own opinions and at best internalise (or attempt to) what they all say is 'right'? so much so that it's all about content and knowledge and not about context...a point i've long missed out, it's no wonder my arguments in essays (on widely-discussed/contentious issues) are hardly ever strong. but seriously, hate writing with 'precise logic', just wanna express my emotions/feelings :(

been awhile since I've properly posted, and it also seems it's been that long since I've self-reflected. not sure what has been keeping me so occupied, but I feel like my brain is deteriorating each day as I think less and less critically - mainly 'cause having to keep up with school work has been really physically/mentally/emotionally draining, next due in part to my laziness - as I think less and less, period. then it also makes me wonder if it's better this way, than in the past when thinking meant my mind or whole of my being usually went wild and self-destructive. must say though that God has taught me alot over the past month, few months and I wouldn't wanna exchange this journey for anything else, despite the struggles that come along the way. it's really hard doing QT every day, but yeah, it's really good enough to always go back to God in everything, the good and the bad through the day, and utter morning and night prayers. I've always wondered what it really means to lead a victorious christian life (because it seems my dad is doing so and...) - what standards or benchmarks are there? think I've been pursuing man's acceptance too much, forgetting that God is the ultimate judge in my walk with Him, that to be holy doesn't mean having to do QT everyday or simply going to church (think most of us know this well enough), that to be godly definitely doesn't mean wanting to be recognised for your godliness. ironic isn't it? but sometimes it's so easy to fall on the other side of the tightrope, wanting to put on the facet of being holy yet not living a full transformed life from the INSIDE out.

saturday's sermon, first to the series "God's apps for our lives" (along the lines of this), was about success in His eyes. I don't need to seek man's approval in anything, but in everything solely God's approval. humility means not being envious at others' achievements and going "huh?! even someone like him/her got through the selection?!", for instance. disappointment kicks me outta track at times, it's like you're so fearful of being rejected again/going through the similar experience of failing again that you forget what's more important - failing weakens us emotionally, but it's when we're weak that He becomes stronger. righteousness, willingness to confess that I've done wrong, that I'm inadequate, that I've fallen short of his glory, a heart of commitment of every aspect in my life to Him...just some characteristics that'll promote success.

some day I'll be able to proudly say that I lean on Him EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF MY LIFE, that it's not a mere pretense.
Your grace is enough for me




---------
random one-liners:
2 days to shar's departure, karen's farewell lunch :(
39 days to promos
11S03K is kickass awesome - love my retarded yet united class
BW housecomm is the BWest (:
trust faith hope love joy peace

radical decisions.
------
don moen, planetshakers, rev che an and Jesus were amazing at FOP. don't miss out on the awesum time of praise/worship/encountering God/prayer together with other Jesus freaks in the country next year! ;)
also, i've met even more cool people i can call friends. and even if these people will leave my life some time (yes people come and go), while they're part of my life in this season, close to me, i am hopeful that He will use me to touch their lives and use them to build me up and reveal more of Himself to me too. you see, God didn't open the door to rj for nothing. now I see it. on hindsight i shouldn't have been so upset about the struggles i had to go through in rj and moaned/groaned about not being in acjc - where for awhile i really thought i'd be happier in. the grass IS always greener on the other side, i think...but jeremiah 29:11. purpose in everything, every single small detail, big milestone. whatever it is that happens, we don't go through it in vain. perhaps i sat on the fence for abit - in choosing God or friends - but i'm glad i chose God and he doesn't look at my past, he's made me new and loves me as much as He always had (just i feel he loves me more now, because it's always about how we look at it, how we experience it, how we value it). abide in Him and He will too, in us.

what grace, what love, what joy, what peace.

MGS 123rd FOUNDERS' DAY & GRADUATION CEREMONY on friday: what can I say. it wasn't an ordinary one to say the least. it was a very special day. I love MGS, now and forever more. photos on fb! :) it was really really really awesome. I don't really know how else to describe it, but, my album info goes:

i love these people (whom i've really been blessed by, but unfortunately did not get to take photos with some of them or chat much), i love the school, i love the Lord so much for blessing me through mg. ten years, that's 60% of my life thus far - and I wouldn't trade anything in this world for the mgs experience.

to master to grow to serve. we'll always remember we were purposed by grace to be 'godly women of excellence with (hearts) of love'.

this marks the end of our very wonderful journey, but thank you all my beloved friends (peers and juniors and teachers alike), you've taught me what love is, how to love. in mg, i gained the heart knowledge that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose" (romans 8:28), and forever it will be, remaining as close to my heart as it's been.

♥hearts cry for 'the fairest in the land, our own dear mgs'
i wanna start it over
i wanna start again
i want a new beginning
one without an end
it's a voice that whispers my name
like a song that stirs in my head
singing love will take us where
something's beautiful
------------------
saturday was good. blessed.
head - heart - hands.
live out the personal convictions you have, because of what you know (through the bible teachings and word of knowledge) - do not let all that you receive be but head knowledge. translate it all into heart knowledge.
that's true spiritual growth.

tonight...really the last night I should even choose to blog - there's SO SO SO SO SO MUCH WORK TO DO. but just decided I'd drop by. to the person who tagged me "go check out john 14:27", many many thanks. may God continue to be your peace too. :) I really appreciate it. 'cause yes, things haven't been as easy-going as I want them to be. so here's john 14:27 everybody, 'peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'

many occurrences (no doubt not by chance) have gotten me thinking. wondering. worrying. feeling. the complexity of the mind and heart never fail to awe me - how can you doubt that there is a Maker who meticulously created every part of us, even the smallest unit of DNA, a purine/pyrimidine? intricate divine designs.

giving up's never the solution. letting go and letting God is.
don't wait till you're at the end of the road; call on God first, in every situation



//o Child of God, why must you stray
when the One always ahead of you
has kept condemnation at bay
do you not see, how grave it is,
that you've drifted so far,
how grave it is,
when the love of God
seems to heal no scar.
BUT
the Lord is unchanging,
He never fails you or me;
do you not remember?
the Son of God,
done His work on the Cross
all of us, we're saved for sure
now we come, in needless shame,
to be cleansed by Him once again
SO
rest in the Shelter,
for no rain will destroy it, 'cause
it's a safehouse in His Name.

my friends, have faith.

when you're doing your best, you have no time to worry about failure (robert hillyer). this quote is written on the front page of my bible, but somehow, I haven't reminded myself of it since Os ended. [this could say something about me not reading the Word hard copy for quite awhile now :/ oh dear.] it really drove me on and served as a good reminder to me to always give my best. I haven't (given my all) at all this whole year in anything/everything and I've been taking failures as final defeats - okay, maybe not so final 'cause i get back up in the end, but still the fall is hard enough. i anticipate failures too, because i don't think i've done the best that i can do, or made the wisest decisions i could probably have. and isn't that the suckiest feeling? when you're already so certain of the results/consequences of your actions - negative ones at that? i'm over those days where i saw myself as a failure, i'd better be. 'cause failure is by large an event, not a person. so don't ever think you're a failure alright. don't walk in my footsteps either, only on hindsight berate yourself for not doing your best in the first place. always do your best. always give God your best. :)

10ish weeks to promos. one last chance to redeem myself.

stop living for what's around the corner, and start enjoying the walk down the street.

(Grant L Miller)

wrong choices always plague us, they leave scars that refuse to fade through time. what's done can never be undone, now every step to take is a cautious one. why? isn't life more simple than this? is there any point in pretense? it hurts pretty badly, it's so hard...but when the seas of life rage, He's there to calm them. yes gi, that's it.

don't let circumstances shape who you are, let who you are give you the upper hand in circumstances.

"wow.", the only word I'll use to describe today (whoops, yesterday i mean). love teammates so much - thanks guys for walking alongside me the past half a year and teaching me so much (esp since we're all so different coming from diverse backgrounds so there was alot I could discover about people's personalities/natures/perspectives). that love will really not change. the mutual trust we built, perhaps not entirely since everyone has reservations, will not be broken down; the relationship we've got will not end here. know we'll be here for each other. :) all the best, darlings. no physical/resource support i can give, just sincere moral support.

without Christ, i am nothing. without Him and His strength, i can do nothing. but with Him, all things are possible and everything is made easier than you imagine it to be. the one in me is really greater than anyone in the world. i love God, but God loves me more.

i'm all settled. it's a brand new journey from here.
take my heart, make it new, make it true, make it like You
take my hands, i lift them high, they're Yours not mine to do
do what You will, do what You will, do what You will

God is so amazing. too amazing. jeremiah 29:11
so right now I'm where I never thought I'd be. I'm gonna do it, even if it means letting everyone down - I'm gonna quit. there's really no need to answer to the world or care about things of the world although everyone will judge and question me; just I pray people will not remember that I actually did it but the boldness to do what I've wanted to for long (which for most people I'm guessing wouldn't do because of the consequences). God, I'll do it - please grant me Your strength alone.

longer post soon, esp on love MG and just how...grateful I am to the Lord. later today (when I actually take the step of putting down all pride and my reputation/image [which really is temporal and gradually be forgotten yes?] and quit.) yes I will thank God that I have the courage to be a quitter, to know that it's time I do knowing I cannot go on like this any longer. it's too painful having to care about what people think or say of you all the time - why does it even matter? it actually truly doesn't - and I should start acting like I know it truly doesn't. after I squeeze out every inch of guts I can afford to be straightforward to the concerned (esp authority whose words have been causing me so much hurt even though they were meant to motivate me and help me improve) and be true to my feelings and everyone else, for once since I got into RJ and chose the sport. yup so I guess y'all can guess what it is I'm quitting. and I'm gonna try this. if it's God's will, let there be breakthrough.

i need you Jesus to rescue me
where else could I go

CTs start tomorrow & end on friday. really a short time period. and within this week I'm gonna spend most of the cramming lotsa info. but God is faithful and will just have to tackle whatever comes my way with all that I have/am equipped with. nauh, not a mere consolation to myself, but the firm belief that God's grace will give me the best that's for me (at least for this CTs; if it's failure, then I pray it'll be a good wake-up call) just like He did at the Os (haha c'mon I was so unserious about my work until after prelims). gonna make this short 'cause I'm not even done mugging for tomorrow, but yes. to everyone having common tests/terms/exams as well, all the best! don't worry or panic 'cause that'll just make things worse. keeping yall in prayer. hope we'll all be calm and remember whatever we've read (not even properly studied, that's how bad it is :( but am not alone right!!! okay it's a bad thing, shall not happen at promos, yes?)! REST WELL PEOPLE. SEE YOU IN A WEEK'S TIME.

if my heart is broken, I'll find God right there; if I'm kicked in the gut, He'll help me catch my breath. (psalm 34:18, the message)

Jesus I believe in You
I would go, to the ends of the earth
to the ends of the earth, for You
alone are the son of God, all the world will see
that You are God, that You are God

God has amazing ways of reminding us of His love daily; it's just breathtaking how God communicates with/speaks to us. convictions are meant to be strong, they should carry us through much of our lives (until whatever we set out to do is fulfilled, anyways); He's stirring up something new in my heart and I hope I can follow through. (:

keep in constant prayer, gilly. press in and press on. be humble, always. always.
with God, all things are possible. matt 19:26




p.s. so we don't sing 'this is the day that the Lord has made: we will rejoice and be glad in it' for nothing. today was ALOT OF FUN. love fellowship, love spending time with people, love people in general. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS DAY SO AWESUM (pearlyn, elissa, shuxin, janice k, gillian ther/TWIN, jaslyn, aunty dolly, abi tay, jun hao, helu, spencer, cornelius, terence, chong lip). hahaha well, thank God he's made me such a people person; hopefully He'll use this personality of mine for good and to build others up. just...sometimes I suppose it may seem like I'm not being loyal to certain friends, but that's not true. to those out there who feel that way, who feel like I 'dump' y'all for others and come back to you again after some time, I apologise that I haven't always been available for you. but just remember that am thankful you're part of my life (and our paths have crossed some point in time), for all you've done, for all the joy you've brought & you're always kept in prayer. thanks friends. you guys redefine love, care, concern and joy.

HAPPY FATHERS' DAY.
---------
hardcore mugging begins tonight!
will have a great week ahead yar. (:

I realise the need to plan what's gonna be done the next seven days before CTs start
(and end very very quickly. thank God no more 22 papers kinda thing like in the Os)
tomorrow shall be spent with CMers & Petra @ junhao's (hopefully); math!!!
tuesday shall be spent preparing for chinese oral and bio :(
wednesday in school - chinese oral & study bio in school library!
thursday shall be spent anywhere but at home alone so I can focus, hahaha (econs)
friday rachel yek's baptism! yay! (: and studying at marine parade library. (chem)
saturday shall be spent at home and at some hotel for some relative's wedding
sunday shall be spent at church and having chem tuition.

what a short week :( I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED I WILL NOT BE STRESSED. Yes God, I will do my best and only my best. (which really isn't good. but I suppose big improvements would be much better than doing well for CTs and doing only a little better for promos, right? yeap, my source of consolation is this mindset.)
---------
after chinese on friday we have learning journey to hortpark & henderson waves with the class and some other class (: miss 3K much! especially my girls and bros. and at night, dinner with vanessa (hopefully) and LOVEMG! whoohoo. come for LOVEMG people (past & present MG girls, especially '09 girlies, I miss all of you very very very very much!)

Love MGS is an annual worship event that brings together past and present MGS girls. We celebrate our11th anniversary this year with the following theme-

LoveMGS 2010- His Love is Mine
"God remains the strength of my heart, He is mine forever." Psalm 73:26


This year's committee comprises:

Jeannette Choe - Chairperson
Amanda Ang - Secretary
Charmaine Phang - Worship/Logistics
Lydia Low - Worship/Logistics
Janice Yue - Prayer/Follow-up
Lee Wan Xiang - Publicity



We're all set to celebrate His goodness and love for us and we're so hungry to be in His presence as a MGS family!

So come join us with your friends, classmates and CCA mates for a night of praise, worship, reunion and fellowship :)


Date: 2nd July 2010
Day: Friday
Time: 6pm (fingerfood), 7.00pm (service starts)
Venue: MGS Auditorium

God is our Father
and we are all his children
makes Jesus our brother
so hand in hand
we'll walk together as one

yup, blogging twice in an hour.

november 29, 2009:

y'know, think I've been missing out on the key point of sharing the gospel this whole time. I really enjoyed today's sermon, short and sweet but put across a powerful message. to mission is to be a witness and vessel of God's love, and we must never forget to really love the people with the love of God that never ends. but to spread the gospel with love is the greatest challenge...cause it's always harder to act on such things than to speak of such things. for instance, we could invite a friend to a service, give him/her a devotional/tract and think it's sufficient - but we're wrong. because if we think our job stops there and that's all we do, then we aren't showing the love that God wants us to show. to really care and let the other party feel your sincerity and love is important, and that means to follow thru' with the person, making sure s/he forms a relationship with the Lord, and praying for him/her incessantly. we should love people even if they don't know us (e.g. mere acquaintances) and even if they aren't exactly love-worthy, because to bless them is exactly how we should walk in His will...we should love the people, even if they're troublemakers, difficult to deal with, resistant to christianity, because to 'speak the truth in love' shouldn't be done to a selected few, but to everyone that crosses our paths. if the person is a hard-to-crack nut, extremely blinded, the more we should be convicted to reach out to him/her 'cause that's how we'll become more and more like Jesus - but no, this isn't what I've been doing. I've been moaning when I see friends tearing up bible verses, insulting God, criticising others for reading the bible, I've been sad that so many people around me don't know the Lord, or have backslid...rather than pushing my way thru', being firm on my stand and sharing His love nonetheless despite their stubbornness. I've focussed so much on personal issues, issues of inferiority, loneliness, jealousy/envy and whatnot, forgetting the key purpose of being a Christian - working out for God, who's in the business of saving souls. I'm probably not the only one...but it's never too late to start, 'cause God knows it's difficult and painful. Jesus experienced it himself...I love God for his faithfulness and his purpose, his timing, his plans, his acts of placing people in my life to teach me such things, to understand Him more, to help me thru' trials, reminding me that Jesus calms every storm in my heart etc. every tomorrow'll be better.

why so relevant to me right now! thank God for blogs, 'cause I wouldn't have remembered I ever wrote that or felt that way otherwise...archives ftw! yup, now that I have the loneliness, jealousy/envy and most of the issues of inferiority cast out of the way, I ought to be that light to the world. and let the Lord's glory be seen by everyone whose paths cross mine. reflecting beats studying anyday, but yes, this phase of life I cannot escape - must study and do well. mm.
to another great week ahead I will look forward. God bless yall. (:

the knowledge of God has indeed brought me through many seasons of life. the love of God has indeed tossed out every single hurt and speck of unforgiveness in my heart. the hope of God has indeed given me strength to overcome every hurdle. the grace of God has indeed blessed me over all these years, more than I can ever imagine. the faithfulness of God has indeed given me life - because even when I fail Him, He never fails me.

today, I will run to You came to mind. haven't heard or sung it in ages; the last time was some mg chapel (of which I MISS VERY DEARLY!). no matter how many times I hear such songs, the lyrics never fail to speak to me - that's why I always thank God for such talents and for His love for the undeserving, to actually care about all of us and have relationships with us (and hence the birth of lyrics that bless His Name). hope they speak to you too :) go have a listen on youtube!

Your eye is on the sparrow
and Your hand, it comforts me
from the ends of the earth to the depth of my heart
let Your mercy and strength be seen

You call me to Your purpose
as angels understand
for Your glory, may You draw all men
as Your love and grace demand

and I will run to You
to Your words of truth
not by might, not by power
but by the spirit of God
yes I will run the race
'till I see Your face
oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

children's min creative arts camp & annual bible camp were more than awesome. glory of the Lord revealed...filling of the Holy Spirit, reassured faith in a very very real God, heart knowledge that I am set apart for Him (joshua 3:5 "joshua told the people, 'consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you'."), fellowship with fellow CM teachers/YPMers, getting to know churchies better, fun with children!! think it's a pity I have no drive to share about those on the blog right now. but I promise to do that one of these days - when I'm lazy to do other things and want to really talk about the milestones in my walk with God (or in other words, experiences through which I was transformed for the better, through which my mind was renewed and soul/spirit was refreshed so I can more greatly glorify Him) :)
God is good, all the time. thank God, really, that I can now see bad situations in a new light - they are opportunities for my faith to be tested and His love to overflow in my life & lives of those involved/around me.

"give thanks in all circumstances." it's what God is continually reminding me in this season; this phrase is to be so deeply imprinted in both my heart and mind this season (& for the past half a year). for this, am thankful. 'cause when you thank Him even for the bad things that have happened, and with faith thank Him for what you believe will come to pass, there'll certainly be breakthroughs and you seek comfort in knowing that you've surrendered a situation/problem/dream to Him & it's all in His control (of course it would still be in His hands, even if you don't ask...) i.e. you aren't worrying. ('do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself' matt 6:33)

seriously i'm not the most hardworking student, nor am i the strongest or best canoeist, but will press on and live day by day. revise whatever work I can, train as much as my head pushes me to. and as much as i can be bothered about how lazy or inadequate i am, guess i'd rather not right now because what's the point of always being so burdened about and upset over what you set out to do but don't because of your own flaws/weaknesses? yeah, simply put, I just don't wanna keep dwelling on how much a failure I am anymore. God has ministered through many people, telling me to 'not feel inferior'. think that's what hit me most, 'cause that inferiority complex has never quite left me. it's been cultivated through the years, by how others have judged me or felt about me...

and of late, the desire to study medicine/become a doctor seems to be dwindling. and I wonder why. but yes, dad's right. I should continue to pray for His direction. He'll close every door to studying medicine if He thinks it's not for me...so perhaps I shouldn't think so much too right now? handle CTs first. roar.

on a lighter note, you'll never see a better procrastinator than me!!! (:
heeheeheehee.
all the best for terms/common tests JC kiddos!
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tag replies, mostly overdue (yup, actually have a tagboard!):
tingyannot sure if you're still visiting my blog frequently, but I think you are! i miss you too, thanks so much for upholding me in prayer and stuff whenever (: thinking of you!
tiff! hey tiff, it's been long! catch up soon yeah? so many things have happened...let's allow the fire in all of us to reSPARK ;)
dom hey domxz, thanks :) let God increase in your life okay? all the best for CTs!
ivan hello ivan!
gabrielle hey gabrielleee! d'you have a blog, dear? yup know your brothers! hahaha I was TOTALLY surprised when michael mentioned you! heard you really really study very hard. think I should learn from you! I have no discipline whatsoever, teehee. mhm, that US trip was awesome! but I don't know daniel personally so yup. thank you so much for your well wishes. jiayou with school and cca & all too! see you at YPM. :)
christie HAHAHA HELLO GRANDMA. mhm, thanks for dropping by again then. think I'm less mature now than in the past you know! in the way or things I post at least, hahaha
shi ting hello awesome girl. been a pleasure getting to know you better :)
hansheng tcheh! it's not VERY untaggable is it! anyway I linked you! heh.
jedidah aye aye captain! yes, htht soon. but you know what, team talk was really good that day. see, God guided you through! may His wisdom continue to be upon you :)

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CANNOT FIND THAT JOY IN THE LORD ANYMORE. NOT RIGHT NOW. AND IT SUCKS BEING UNHAPPY, HAVING DARK CLOUDS ALL AROUND ME. ROAR. >:( I NEED TO BE STRONG AND JOYFUL IN HIM. I NEED TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND NOT BE IRRESPONSIBLE. I NEED TO STUDY HARD. I NEED TO BE A GOOD AMBASSADOR OF CHRIST. I NEED TO BE A BETTER DAUGHTER.

there're so many things i regret now. why God would you ever let things happen to your children? too many circumstances can push me to want to give up. but not to persevere would be letting You and myself down. if i set out to reach out to them, i must fulfill that purpose, i'll continue to be a good friend and love them for who they are, even if they've so many weaknesses. although i am utterly upset at what has happened (be it intentionally or without that), i will look past it and pretend i never got to know.

GOD IS SOVEREIGN STILL. even though life is so confungling and there're so many things I cannot figure out now. it's all part of God's grander plan. it's all about Him and not about me.

HOLIDAYS ARE HERE, FRIENDS.
do you roger that? :)

unbelievable much, half a year has zoomed by. it means there're only 6 (short) school terms to go before the A levels are here, marking the end of JC - which in every aspect is still as new a concept to me right now. the wound is raw, the wound of disappointment when I hadn't gotten more distinctions as I'd wanted to at the Os; it seems it was only yesterday I left MG. really really miss the people, the friends, the teachers, the environment. OKAY GET THIS RIGHT: I LOVED HOW WE ONLY HAD GIRLS AROUND, AWESOME MUCH.

really I'm sure many feel the same. having to leave a familiar place (ten years of methodist girls' school has rendered me helpless in the sea of boys and girls who come from really different backgrounds, having experienced very different school cultures - really, cannot emphasise this enough) and assimilate into this entirely foreign planet - we naturally put on a facet and try really hard to fit in. this hurts alot, sucks alot out of us. but it's the truth isn't it? maybe I've tried too hard; maybe I shouldn't even have cared because romans 12:2 was supposed to always be close to my heart and be that heartsong driving me on daily - it hasn't been. so perhaps the hols is really a good time for me to catch up with all the lost time with God, a good time for me to reflect on how unhappy a "kid" I've been, a good time to reflect on how I've expected too much from Him and not giving anything in return, a good time to deal with how God hasn't made me like other people I admire (albeit outwardly...:/).

I'd say entering rj and joining canoeing has changed me, alot. both for worse and for better. there're just some new issues that have surfaced to be dealed with, when underlying ones haven't exactly been sorted out (like that of healthy eating habits - yes, it sucks thinking every bit of food you eat is gonna make you fat). but serving in children's ministry & being part of YPM has also made me a very very happy person on weekends - which once again is good and bad. good because then I'm fully comfortable with who I am and immersing in His Holy presence; bad because we're not christians until we lead authentic lives christians should - that means an everyday thing, that means it's a lifestyle that is not independent of God at all.

think we should always bear in mind though, and be encouraged by, the fact that God never promised a calm passage in life, but a safe landing. and the knowledge of God surpassing all understanding gives us hope, hope that everyone innately yearns for but do not always grab hold of - either by choice or the lack of it. "but those who hope in the Lord will renew our strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary; they will walk and not be faint" (isaiah 40:31)

okay, mustmustmust study hard! doing badly for CTs would mean risking 15% of the chance of me actually being promoted to j2, hahaha. :) i do thank God for the rj system though - CTs having 15% weightage & promos having 85%; all other tests and assignments not bearing any - because I might just retain if we had to count on those day-to-day pieces of work especially since I'm a big fat procrastinator, and a professional one at that. :) alll the best to all having papers after the hols as well, we have the holidays to catch up and give our 101%!

highlights of the awesome holsss
31st may-1 june: lisa/syafiq/jingsheng's birthday party
2-4th: CAC!
5th: facing the giants movie screening during YPM (ANYONE INTERESTED TO COME? 5-730PM AT CHURCH OF SINGAPORE (MARINE PARADE), DROP ME A FB MESSAGE OR TEXT IF YOU'RE FREE :))
7-10th: COS annual bible camp with some of the girlfriends (jasmine, abi tay, nette, faith, kims, rachel?) & awesome 'family guys' (hopefully ben yeo's going) in malacca!

SIDENOTE: MISS TRAINING AND TEAMMATES V MUCH. >:( IS GROWING FAT BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF INTENSIVE-ENOUGH TRAININGS.

(can't blog properly...but I promise I'll do a good reflective post soon because it's necessary and I really need to dwell on His Word like I used to again.)

God is always faithful. working in mysterious ways. though I cannot see what it is He wants for me, I know He'll lead me in paths of righteousness and bring me through to a whole new dimension - where He can use me. cause right now, I'm really tired. and I need to stop saying depressing things. and stop thinking depressing things. it's tough having to push myself during trainings, it's terribly hard being unable to go on anymore (your muscles give way...); it's awfully tough having to go for every single class/lecture well-prepared, but worse to know despite having the intention of being a hardworking good ready student, I'm not achieving those plans; it's grossly difficult to have a constant positive outlook on life, even though He's promised us good (God allows everything to work for GOOD). but nauh, nothing I go through, nothing we ever go through can be as painful as what Jesus had gone through before the crucifixion, as God having to bear the sight and thought of His beloved son dying to redeem every single person.

persevere. joy is eternal while happiness is temporary. trading sorrows in for joy!

drained but will keep going on.

still love this song as much really.
mark harris' find your wings
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

highlights:
canoeing nats/raffles row well done dearest seniors. it's the process that counts. it's not about the results, the medals. thanks for teaching me values I wouldn't have picked up from joining a non-sports cca or choosing council over canoeing. the emotional times during nats - how I was stressed over trivial matters - just revealed more of my weaknesses, which will be gotten rid of in time to come. needa be tougher, don't we all? failures aren't supposed to only break us, they are to first break us before we build ourselves up again. it's been awesome getting to know the j1s too, girls and guys alike. ♥ it's all heart from here. :) real training to start soon. the beginning's gonna be really hard for me 'cause I haven't done school team sports before and I have weak core. common leg cramps and twisted ankle. ailments He'll heal. lots of mental will needed too. exhaustion will slowly become normal and we'll all cope with it, somehow. life goes on, no matter what. besides, I'm not alone in this and His hand upholds me through it all.

11S03K class camp was nothing short of fruitful. though we missed people like mahdi, it was good. the support and encouragement we gave each other willingly during height elements; the laughter we shared while we made ugly and overflowing popiahs; the fun we had playing interclass games and spending almost 5 minutes on the first try of the 4 stations (when the objective was to hit under 60seconds). the earnest conversation/genuine sharing we had at the end of it awed me. our expectations of what a fun class' like may just be reached, soon enough. they will. we have more than a year left to go together. let's create lots more great memories. thanks for being such a great, sweet, caring, funny, retarded, lame bunch.

studies lagging behind but will not give up. will draw strength from the Lord. will catch up and be self-motivated. will be consistent once I grasp concepts taught over the past one and a half months. will procrastinate less and cut down on computer usage, knowing it's possible.

time made for God little, less, lesser, least. but He remains in me. His spirit constantly prompts me and I'll learn to be still. (psalm 46:10) once again in Jesus' name claim peace and wisdom for myself. been too uptight, been too drained, been tired, been falling ill. (but thank God very happy too at many instances). haven't spent as much time in worship, in just crying, in just pouring out all that's within me - the heartwrenching reality, the struggles, the failures, the flaws. haven't daily surrendered so He may mould me. for these I'm really sorry...

tired. lotsa work to finish too. but thank God for protected time on monday mornings! shall go to bed now and get up earlier. remember guys, continue to hope in the Lord cause He never sleeps, slumbers or fails us.

OH GOD, WHAT TALENTS YOU'VE CREATED LORD. AMAZING.
AND WHAT HUMOUR WE CAN FIND. AMUSING. *HAPPINESS*






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1. BEN TOPPED HIS CLASS FOR MATH AND ECONS. hahaha I'm so happy for/proud of my brother in Christ. whoohoo. *happiness*
2. hall done up, in time for service tomorrow night. gooo marketplace hokkien ministry! daddy is joyous. and he's lying on my bed, watching movies on his iphone. if I'm hooked onto glee/fb/msn, HES HOOKED ONTO HIS IPHONE. HOHOHO.
3. today was restful, relaxing and...fruitful enough. thank you God.
4. TGIF SOOOOOOON.
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BLESSED SWEET SEXY STUNNING SUGARY SIZZLING SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY, ATHELIA LOW! ♥ give your best shot for nats! raffles rowwwww! (: we're all behind you. yay.

CRASH. it's good to not have to go to school and just rest. let my mind wander...
alright, have watched too much glee and wasted too much time. *sigh*
thank God anyway. for today.
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music's so therapeutic. so is quality time with dad and nai nai. and glee.
TYG. so very blessed.

speaks so much of my life right now: casting crown's 'east to west'

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

I love you God, very much.

when two mutually exclusive things come together to coalesce, forming one body. I'd definitely want the positive and negative thoughts that my mind create to merge as one and balance each other out.
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G12 conference was great! Learnt quite a lot. But what really stuck in my head was this:
One day, God asks you to run a race, but you haven't been training. At the racing ground, you see God standing there in his white robe and you look around but see no competitors. And all of a sudden, you see the devil walk in. He's buff and ripped and in your head you're like, "Oh damn, I should have trained." He gives you an evil grin, has fire coming out from his nostrils and winks at you, knowing that he'll win this race. And in your heart, you think he's gonna win too so your heart races. At the starting line, God stands at the side, raising the pistol in his hand as he shouts, "Take your mark!" Your heart feels like its in your throat and "BANG!" God pulls the trigger and the devil drops dead. You turn and realise that the devil was shot and your look up at God and he says, "I have already won the race for you, all you need to do is run."

Illustration by Pastor Richard Witmer.

Thank you God.

from claudo's blog. thanks dear for updating regularly...it's how I get to know how you're doing, at least for now and for awhile from now with both of us so busy.

seriously, I'm tired and I haven't been turning to God. which is why ^ that's a good reminder. it's bad to drift away from God and not having as big a daily portion of Him as I had in the past when life/what's to come was less daunting. that's all I can say. I'm guilty as charged and am not a very happy kid. at best, the smiles and happiness' a mere facet. beneath, where only He reaches to, there're hard pounds on the walls of my heart. knocking by hammers. these hammers - friendships/relationships, GP (dayum, I'm far from conquering this. shucks.)/chemistry (I'm failing)/econs (the numerous concepts)/bio (key words' always missing)/PW (uncritical thinking of mine), canoeing (the inability to perform better - why?), family (dad's expectations, harsh words making me feel like he doesn't understand that I really need time to adjust. jc work is hard. I really cannot pass now.), lack of time management, exhaustion - they work harder and harder, by the day increase in kinetic energy to knock with higher frequencies and force, only to spread me thin more and more. it doesn't matter that it's only the beginning - and when we start off we always fail, and we must keep learning from our mistakes in order to have higher chances of succeeding in the future, yes this I know, we've all been told - it doesn't change the fact that I'm incapable and stupid (or so I think and am cursing myself). I'm failing, falling, wavering.

what I need to remember: there's a reason for everything. God has His purpose, His good will. He could easily have given me a great brain which can give me As in everything, but He chose not to. if He wants, I can instantly be able to balance on every single canoe and not even have to brace because I wouldn't tilt to any side. if it's what He desires for me, I can squeeze time out to watch tv even after finishing every single tutorial, attending every single training, fulfilling church commitments. if it's what He thinks is best for me, I can do well in tests/exams just by paying attention during lectures/classes, without having to complete every single piece of work. but He chose otherwise. He wants me to learn things the hard way. He wants me to remain close to Him and draw divine strength, expect divine intervention, prepare to receive revelations, be ready for breakthroughs...it's comforting to know that I have such a thoughtful, knowing God.. that we all have/we all can have if we choose to believe.

HOLIDAYYYYYYYS. :)
REST, RECHARGE, REJUVENATE.
thank God for them.

in any case, I LOVE RAFFLES ROW ttm. the seniors and j1s. (I still love 11S03K as much, so it's okay bros/sis' ;)) think I've found my place, and will continue to build on the passion for canoeing/trainings. it's tough sometimes, it's tiring too. having to learn how to work with/in a team in a sport. it's different from project/event management stuff that I went through in mg. am not too certain if I'm gonna be able to meet expectations, and obviously the pressure of them is daunting...but I'm gonna get by really well and know my God which is above all else will uphold me with His righteous right hand and always make a way. TYG. and anyway, john (jedidah) has blogged all about our weekend, so...I'll just copy & paste what she had/has to say!

Omg i love this weekend! It was so so fun! Though i was seriously sleep-deprived, it was totally worth it! It was spent with canoe-ers!
I think we got to know the guys much better, and their names, ahhaha. & got closer to the seniors too! & together as a team, esp during dinner today!
omg we laughed and laughed and laughed like crazy! I havent laughed like that in a very very very long time! thanks powerbuff girls! :)
omg our powerbuff girls theme song rocks! Cant wait for the blog to be up!
Oh and i cant wait for the pics, we camwhored like crazy! So funnnn :)
I seriously am thankful for the canoe-ers! love love love them so much! we just click together, in a really sweet and awesome way! & the great thing is, they all dream of me at night! right, guys? :) hehehe.

I was motivated by all the pro canoe-ers and our seniors to get buff and get muscles and to be able to do pullups! hahaha, i can do like, half a pullup now? My aim by this year, is to do 2. And by next year, 5! continously :)
lastly, i shall declare that i'm so so proud of every single one of our seniors! They're so awesome, srsly, and who says you've to come in first to be a winner? & omg when we thought we lost the ez-link cards, they were so gracious. But i was super super scared, what if we had really lost it? omg. :/ learning lesson, seriously. Never let impt stuff out of your sight!

i love Isabel (who dreams of me at night!), Kalya (who is a fellow bone cracker!), Sihui (wacky and really coooool and nice!), Jolyn (the super cute senior!), Yanting (fellow ex-cedarian!), Ais and amanda (who are awesome on K2!), Delia (awesome awesome i think one of the first seniors i talked to!), Eunice (who is so funny, and really nice to talk to, esp at the cafe after trainings!), Jin ru(who is happy that she met someone darker than her! hahah)
love love all of them! GREAT JOB SENIORS! :)

note to self:
in a nutshell,
train hard
revise hard
catch up with tutorials for math & chem
rest hard
pray hard
worship hard
focus hard
be discplined
trust.

verse for this season, 2 timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
press in, press on.

I'm not sure why so many things have changed...no idea why people judge you by association and what they see, even though they don't know you personally. it sucks sometimes, really. even if your conscience is clear and you know for yourself who you are, you know for yourself who you are in God, it still hurts to know that people think you're a certain type of person when in actual fact you aren't. it just hurts.
the worst thing is, I have no idea how to redeem myself.
yes I'm sorry I've done things you may not have thought I'd ever do, and I admit I was wrong. just forgive me and forget I was once like that. I want to go back in time, really really badly. right now.
why do people listen to rumours?

you know, maybe it would've been better if I went to ac instead. so much for entering a new environment. people judge more and you're under even more scrutiny. 'cause there is no predisposed judgement - which thank God was good; I was always a good student, a good girl. so predisposed judgement's a double-edged sword. it was the exact reason why I wanted raffles over ac. now I just wanna look back. help.

by His stripes we are healed.

i still miss mg,right now i miss it more than ever. i want people to know i haven't changed.

y'know what, I was wrong when I thought I had the worst in secondary school. jc's tiring, really. very very fun though and I've met awesome people and am learning to work with different types of them - now there's more I'm exposed to since there's the introduction of the opposite gender...hahaha school's cool with guys around. some are jokers/clowns, some are witty, some are serious, some are sporty, some are random, some are cute. okay simply put, it's different. but I'm settling in perfectly well, assimilating into the raffles culture as well (of course the IloveMG spirit will always stay within me) so thank God. actually, my life's changed ever since I entered jc - I suppose it's just God revealing His purpose/plan for me day by day and I'll continue believing He only wants the best for me. it's true anyway. I'll listen to the voice of truth and live life the way...I just end up doing. you just know which direction He wants you to head towards.

but I was wrong too when I thought the routine of going to school (and learning, hahaha; how ironic!) was dreary. I LOVE SCHOOL NOW. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING MY FRIENDS AND ATTENDING LECTURES/TUTORIALS. I just thank God each block is only 50 minutes, it makes everything seem less draggy and dry. besides, I've met some very amazing people ;) ♥

what I know for certain: I NEED GOD. I REALLY NEED GOD. IN HIM I HAVE HOPE AND I'M THANKFUL I KNOW HIM. THEY AREN'T WRONG WHEN THEY SAY "THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH". WHEN I AM WEAK HE'S STRONG; WHEN I AM STRONG, HE'S STRONGER & I'M STRONG ONLY BECAUSE HE ENABLES ME TO BE. HE LOVES ME AND I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO HIM AND I WILL SEEK HIM, AMEN? YES. :) I AM HAPPY.

p.s. canoeing is tough. but I will not give up, I can't. I'll get through with faith and prayer. but canoeing's fun too! awesome team. thank God for such lovely seniors and such da-bombz peers.
p.p.s. I'm falling behind in some subjects (or most, but whatever) but I'll buck up and understand every single thing I've been taught. with unceasing prayer and belief in the power of prayer.
p.p.p.s. now I know why people just end up not blogging. there isn't time for it! no more! no more honeymoon period, no more playing around :(
p.p.p.p.s. think I'm sounding less and less mature/serious here, just looking back at my 2009 archives. whoah.

I THINK I FORGOT ABOUT "BE TRANSFORMED TO PLEASE GOD". (170110)
but I've heard the wake-up call and am thankful God sent people to keep me in check. having to step out into a whole new environment is exciting, but with it comes much choices that I have to make (I had all the freedom) and sometimes you just forget to seek God for the answer, for direction - and then you realise your path is winding, probably not the straight one He wills for us to take. (proverbs 3:6, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight). of course, from previous experiences I know very well that God never leaves, He lives in us and continues to speak to us with a still small voice - and it's up to us to listen. so yes, it's not about when you realise your folly and take action to get back on the right road but whether you do or not.
:)

hey, this is cool. :)
(clare's tumblr, graphjam)


it ain't exhaustive. it's only the beginning. suck even more outta me, I'll stand strong and prove the world wrong. just keeping pushing myself, just keep moving forward, just keep living a life of hope. must draw divine strength, must trust in the rock eternal, must not seek enjoyment in things of the world. I need to change.

EXTREMELY DRAINED. AND I MISS PEOPLE, ALOT OF THEM :(
----------
Write your plans in pencil and let God have the eraser.

every sunrise speaks of Your unfailing love
every nightfall Your faithfulness
every blessing from heaven tells of Your amazing grace
everything about You Jesus, stirs my heart to praise
let everything, everything within me bless Your name.
I stand in wonder of Your power, of Your awesome ways
God eternal, praise I offer, all of my days
everything within me, let everything within me
let everything within me bless Your name

Am happy at raffles :) Thank God, really. Orientation's very very fun! Lessons start on wednesday so I guess I wouldn't be hanging around too much! Yay! ♥

SIGH.

today was daddy's day! had lunch @ bukit batok, a drive thru' the bus route of 157 (to RI ;)), ikea alexandra and ikea tampines! just alone with him. figured it was the last time in a long time I can without worry (of wasting any precious time) spend time with dad, have heart-to-heart talks or intense discussions about issues, since school starts thursday. whoohoo, exciting. thanks dad for the wonderful six hours :) love you, dad.

hmm...yes. the reason why there were laws set (in days of the old testament) is so that God's grace and mercy are necessary and viable. there wouldn't be a need for God to show any mercy if there were no laws for people to break to begin with. whoah, insight. thanks dad, again! and thank God more we can now be showered with His mercy and saturate in His grace.
-----------
:)

SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS
AND ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU
HALLELU, HALLELUJAH.
(from matt 6:33)

it just came to my mind.

honestly, I'm tired. but I will be found, standing strong, joyful in Him.

I refuse to think about or accept what's sinking in...the very fact that many of us are heading our separate ways. it's for real now, when we say goodbye. it's obviously not gonna be the same in jc as it was in MGS. ten years and finally, I'm stepping out into the real world (anywhere's more sheltered than mg). I'm no longer going to see people like claudo, gerou and sharanya, few of whom I love very very much and share great memories with, (almost, on some occasions) 5 days a week and have their ears at my disposal. we aren't going to lose touch, that's for sure, but of course, the time we get to spend together will be nothing like what we have been allowed to. and I don't like feeling this sad...to miss them and the silly or productive things we do together. I'm going to miss the juniors, juniors who never fail to make me smile, encourage me or just show me who they really are - ie. teaching me how I've been missing the point of being a 'godly woman of excellence' and 'role model' all this while, when I wasn't able to be true to myself or others, be honest about how I feel. I'll miss the side-shoulder hugs, trademark of affection of girls in most girls' schools - but let's just talk about mgs here. many of you probably identify with me too. certainly, it's human to be emotionally attached to people, things, places, but the sense of loss will take awhile to melt away.

whatever it is, I will remain thankful I have the ability to remember and feel the way I do. let's continue to show love and be love! that'll make our legacies (great ones we've left behind, wherever) worth keeping alive.
--------------

on another note, I spent quality time with grandma today. and it really feels good. just thank God I decided to set aside time for just the two of us. without any other distractions, without any other reservations. just catch up with her and really talk, something we haven't been able to do for a long time because I was always hanging out with friends or cooping myself up in the room using the internet (ugh!). seeing how happy she was...just makes me so utterly contented to have such loving grandparents (who're willing to buy me anything I want, or do anything, serve me in whatever way they can just to make me happy) and at the same time regretfully guilty for being rude to her sometimes or snapping at her just because I can't tolerate her nagging and idiosyncracies. glad 21 january 2010 was spent fruitfully; grateful that before school starts, I set things straight with the grans - they just need to know that soon they'll see much less of me and they're gonna have to cope with it...
but really, today was awesome! think my very hip/modern nai nai & I just brought the entire shopping mall home - or so says ye ye and dad. hahahaha so funny. ;)

sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if it's normal (or abnormal) having positive thoughts all the time. I wonder if not being so optimistic could make a difference in helping others who're more messed up than I am because then I could better stand in their shoes. and probably then be able to understand, better.
--------------
oh well. happy thought: I'm going back to MG tomorrow! yay! :)

I want glee and chuck and big bang theory!! after I watch 'faith like potatoes'...another facing the giants (just facing the giants is unbeatable)

HI WORLD, SHARE MY JOY AND LAUGHTER ALRIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHA, MY NAI NAI IS TOO CUTE.

nai nai: 刚才爷爷打电话来，我下去要听你知道我做什么吗？
me: 什么。。。
nai nai: 我把 remote control 拿起来，还讲 "hello hello???"
me: (in realising her silly mistake and what old age does to people sometimes) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, REMOTE CONTROL?!?!
nai nai: (still laughing) 哈哈哈，爷爷就问我 “为什么你讲话这么小声！” 我们笑不停。
me: 我听了也要笑你，奶奶！hahahahhahahaa.

that conversation totally made my day. 'cause I just woke up when she walked into the room to tell me that. all she goes now is..."我真的是老糊涂了“ :(

p.s. sorry to those who don't know how to read/don't understand chinese, but just know my grandma mistook a remote control for the house phone - the control was on the sofa arm while the phone was on a table next to the sofa. :) it's funny!

this song's stuck in my head. catchy but meaningful. the kids like it!
I've got heaven on the inside of me
Peace and joy, God has set me free
Heaven is a reality, abundant life flows out of me
I've got a smile on my face, a glide in my stride
I'm tasting His grace and I'm walking by faith
I've got heaven on the inside of me
I've got heaven flowing out of me
Bringing heaven into this world
amen.

I'm extremely blessed to be part of the children's ministry too. feels like I'm taking baby steps to learning how to nurture the kids, how to respond to the different behaviours, how to build rapport with them. it's an exciting journey, really. it's an eye opener, 'cause my sunday school was never like that. there's just alot more I can learn, alot more I can receive from serving God thru' this ministry. plus, made lotsa new friends :) seeing God thru' these people always encourages me. wouldn't ever deny my gratitude towards the Lord 'cause He's really placed me in the right places, with the right people to grow me and just bring me to another level of fellowship with Him. our God's quite amazing, doncha think? :)

one and a half more weeks of holiday. seems like two months have gone by in a blink of the eye - but what's new. doesn't it always feel this way? time never stops for anybody...with all my heart I pray I've spent my past dozen of weeks fruitfully and they were days lived pleasing to Him. but I'm guilty of not taking time out of each day (which I spend having fun, doing things I want which are of the world, lazing around etc) just to spend time with Him. does He not deserve a little bit of our time? sure He does - after all, the time we have comes from Him! so I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. morning dawns and evening fades - the process is quick and I have no time to lose in wanting to build a stronger relationship with Him. He's my friend too, and if I can talk to the friends around me for hours when they call (or if I call them), I too should call on God (jeremiah 33:3) or pick up His calls. think He's waiting for me...I just needa sit myself down and set my heart right and be still before Him (psalm 46:10). maybe it's something alot of us are struggling with, just cause it seems so trivial as compared to chatting on MSN, stalking on facebook (hahaha I'm guilty as charged), watching tv (MY CSI MIAMI IS FLASHY BUT AWESOME, haha. law and order: special victims unit!!), reading magazines (national geographic makes me happy :) *hinthint*), spending time out, gymming...I don't know what else. perhaps exactly why the church's theme this year's so apt for me - think God will transform me this year so long I get over such hurdles...and thank God that I would. :)
"BE TRANSFORMED TO PLEASE GOD", that's the theme.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."(romans 12:1-2)

Blessed birthday Miss Ng! Continue to stay young @ heart and touch the lives of your students & everyone around you. :) (tho' you don't read this, it doesn't matter)
----------------------
just realised...how we pray really depends on the seasons we currently go through and the convictions we have. which means you can read somebody's mind more than you usually do through their prayers - you know what they're probably struggling with or are thankful for. and whoah, so I guess we can know the other person better in this way! cool revelation.

edit:
finally went running after two weeks! feels good. :)

(http://papertissue.tumblr.com, http://www.flickr.com/photos/danske/4259618791/)

let me tell you why God didn't give me 7A1s. He knew I wanted to go on stage but if I did, I'll probably steal His glory and enjoy the limelight. pride would come in and that'll kill all the progress I've made in growing the humility in me. God's purpose is really great, His ways and thoughts are really greater and higher than mine (isaiah 55:8-9). but really, to God be all the glory for the 6 subjects I received A1s for - because He granted the desires of my heart. no more, no less. just 6 for l1r5, and a pass for higher chinese so there's 4 bonus points. I was disappointed, frankly. the only thing on my mind for half an hour - "I didn't do well enough. I didn't give my best. I could definitely have done better"...exactly how much of God can anyone see thru'/in me from that? none at all..so much for godliness with contentment. I wasn't godly, I wasn't contented. but thank God I realised soon enough, the full picture as to why I didn't do any better.
1 thessalonians 5:16-18, "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"

I'm really really really really really really really blessed and I don't even deserve this much. GREAT BIG THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO'VE FAITHFULLY KEPT ME IN PRAYER, WISHED ME ALL THE BEST AND CONGRATULATED me :) too many to name right here, but I really feel the love and appreciate it all very much, so thanks for touching my heart/blessing me!

heartiest congratulations to: clare fong, mill!/pawitporn jianprasert, rachel choe, vanessa, mich hwang, xiang, anisha, madeline ang, jia yhin, grace, ding, leeks, abi nyam for being few of the many top scorers :) and other 6 pointers like sherri lee, ggggr! and to the churchies like elissa, shuxin, ben yeo, terence etc., abi tay & gab who did higher chinese. to everyone else who did well...but ultimately, God has a purpose and plan for each and everyone of us. surrender our futures to Him and He'll see that we go thru' a successful, triumphant life - not one rid of troubles, but one full of victories in Christ, amen? :)

must never forget. God is good, great, awesome, faithful.
faithful.

this is purely a ranting post yar,
I'm unfit and fattttttt.
I haven't cleaned up the mess in my room
I need to exercise - want to go swimming but the weather doesn't always permit this.
OKAY, I'm done. enough of the Is.

:) The joy of the Lord is my strength.
Os results release on monday at 2pm!
BIG SMILE.

I really really like every bit of I will lift my eyes it brought me through the hurt, pain, negativity and Os. and each time I listen to it it speaks to me in a different way. God's small still voice penetrates through the walls of my heart...and it'll be the same for you if you let Him. :)

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb

it's not about perfection but direction. this year, I'm gonna aim to live a pure life. "it's not about where you have been, but where you can go." we all deal with different things - but we definitely deal with SOMETHING, so to live a pure life, I'll do my best to be honest with myself and admit what exactly it is that I'm dealing with. without admitting the issues, it isn't gonna be easy moving on and changing (letting God change me). guess it's important to remember God doesn't expect us to be perfect. we just need to make sure we're willing to give of ourselves, without reservation, to Him to work in us. life's short, and to make it count, I want to do things that would count in His Kingdom. to lead an outstanding life as Christian, to be different, to not be afraid of being shamed and mocked at for being 'weird' and 'obsessed with God' (which by the way, I need to remember to release the hurt of mom saying this of me), to glorify His Name are lofty desires. but they aren't impossible. I just know it. you'll be surprised at how strange and unfamiliar 2010 will be, so will I 'cause we don't know what tomorrow holds. we'll leave that to the Lord.
"seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." (matt 6:33)

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and purify our lives
we need Your perfect love we need Your discipline
we're lost unless You guide us with Your light

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us

we cry out for Your life to revive us cry out
for Your love to define us cry out
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until You return

oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign that You would reign in us
[2 x]

You would reign in us

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and send us out
so the world may know You reign You reign in us
[3 x]

--------------------------------
collecting os results soon! I refuse to speculate or think about it - hahaha, so much for not being in denial. but anyhow, let's wait in great anticipation...let our worries not cloud the hope of doing as well as we long to. let us not lose sight that His thoughts are higher than ours, His ways are higher than ours (isaiah 55:8). let us not forget that no matter how we do, whichever educational institution (or work field) we end up in, God has a greater purpose for us. just believe it with all your heart and peace will fill it. with all your soul trust that everything'll turn out fine. :)

right now, I'm just preparing myself for the nostalgia that'll rush into me as I walk into school tomorrow. it feels kinda weird not having to return to school today. I'm so detached from doing work, gaining knowledge/learning from textbooks and studying it sucks. shucks! but okay, no fear. will definitely be able to adjust quickly enough right? when jc starts 28th jan. mmm.

hahaha, looking thru' my archives is really entertaining. there were times I was acting mature and other times I was seriously immature. it's so amusing...but the process reminds me of His faithfulness. He never let go.