(Y) I like.
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Jane shared about being 'a team', what it means, what is expected of us in the team over lunch. (thanks for lunch... :P but much more for sharing) sometimes I forget that we need to work as a team, and united we stand, divided we fall. I would love to have all the attention to myself and for someone to only direct all his/her care and time to me, but that's not possible because in the time a group is together, everyone has to be looked out for, and we have to be working towards a common goal. it's natural to want to be credited and cared for, but gotta look at the big picture too huh.

which reminds me...a quote by Bear Bryant Dad once told me...something along the lines of "team spirit: if anything goes bad, I did it. if anything goes semi-good, then we did it. if anything goes real good, then you did it."

that aside, time to focus on o's. Unc Stan has already imposed upon me to 'concentrate on studying for o's. stop serving temporarily, don't do anything for the ministry for this period of time'...which is timely, thank God. while I go on this short break, I can work things out...especially with my servanthood attitude and whatnot. yay.
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I hardly enjoy reading the old testament ('cause it's too chim and hard to apply to my life more often than not) besides the psalms...but I read a little of Habakkuk recently (actually, it's already a short book on its own, so can't get very little can it, hahah). he was a strong, faithful man who had alot of confidence that God was the Sovereign Lord, and no matter what still rejoiced in the Lord ('rejoice in the Lord always', phil 4:4) despite all sorts of obstacles. also teaches us to let God be God...Habakkuk 3:17 to 19 says:Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. what we really have to do is to let go and submit everything to Him.
my attempts have never been futile even when I thought they were, 'cos once we move towards Him, he draws even closer... ("come near to God and he will come near to you", james 4:8)

y'know He's so faithful. I cannot emphasise this enough. (will share from personal experiences, sorry for the numerous 'I's, I really don't like to seem self-centred :s) I've been a very bad girl, twice (as in, I was better for awhile, but gave into devil attacks again...) - no, not the kind who rebels that much, not the kind who stays away from home and never respect authority...but in many other ways. basically, I've been living a life unpleasing to Him. for one, I was hypocritical...because I could never tell myself what I was telling/advising/encouraging others. for instance, I'm not ashamed tho', to say I was jealous of people I loved when they were doing better at something...but it's something that time and prayers (of many others' and little of mine..) has helped me overcome. there was a period of time I could step into the church service hall and feel inadequate (yes, over silly things like not playing an instrument as well as someone else, perhaps more experienced or have more time to practise than you do), times when I would feel defeated when I step into the classroom knowing I'll never do as well as my classmates. comparison has not brought me anywhere. what I learnt is...there'll always be someone, some people, better than us in EVERYTHING that we do. it's either we choose to deal with it and thank God for what we have/what we can do, or we continue to beat ourselves over being a 'failure'.
I've denied God countless of times...I found it so hard to pray because I felt undeserving. the terrible influxes of negative thoughts that clouded my judgement...I simply could not believe that He loves me, I simply could not believe I was 'good enough' for anyone. as a matter of fact, I was wrong. nothing stops God from advancing in His plans and purpose (that prevails), nothing stops the Holy Spirit from moving, nothing stops good from triumphing over evil (in the first place, God created Lucifer & the fallen angels)..was absolutely wrong. it was either I let the word of God and word of spiritual mentors fall on deaf ears or I make an effort to change myself, to renew my soul, to get right before Him...I chose the latter, thankfully. I've (only recently) chosen to repent, to say I'm sorry, Lord, to ask Him to search my heart and transform me into someone He wants me to be.

we've all got problems. face it, we were made to face challenges, and overcome them. it's different when you have His strength in overcoming these matters. we either be courageous (be strong and courageous, joshua 1:9) and conquer them, or we escape. escapism - what I've been involved in for a very very long time. what happens when we don't sort things out is these problems will only continue to build up...and once you hit the limit, you're gonna be hit hard. horrendous impacts...it's just like bioaccumulation and bioamplification, situations only get worse and worse, and when you're where the catalyst is...chances are, you'll break down. and that sucks, I know how it feels.. we all need to have our channels to release the 'living time bomb' within us, have people we can open up to. for me, I've been shutting my (real) self away from people for a very long time and resorted to unhealthy means to cope with the stress. I couldn't even take the hands of those who've been willing to guide me back on the right track or accept His grace that He gives freely. I couldn't face God.

but obviously, time isn't an issue. what's important is that you make that u-turn, you find yourself consumed by His mercy, you WANT to be blessed and you want to live well for Him. if we want true happiness/joy, we gotta seek it in Him. :) I hope you have it/want it too! IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE! (matt 19:26)

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and oh man, I was looking thru' my archives and realised Dad & I have had such a conversation (in jan)...it's so stressing! haha:
"Hey Dad, so will you be in school when I collect my O's results?"
"It's not even the full result yet."
"I meant next year lah."
"I go for what?"
"I don't know, just be there for me?"
"Okay, if you can show me 9 distinctions for your prelims, I promise you I'll be there next year when you collect your results."

I think 'prelims' have to be changed to 'actual o' levels' now because..I totally got far from nine distinctions! :/
NINE DISTINCTIONS, FRIENDS. So remember, if you see my name in the papers or something next year, rejoice with me for Dad would have gone to school, proud of his daughter. But even more, ('cause good grades are seriously not my thing. SIGH, hahah) praise God for His favour, wisdom and grace. [of course, the latter still stands even if I don't get my nine distinctions :)] but I must not forget to do my part luh...hence, I'll go study now! take care.

your love is beautiful
the reason why I sing