when two mutually exclusive things come together to coalesce, forming one body. I'd definitely want the positive and negative thoughts that my mind create to merge as one and balance each other out.
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G12 conference was great! Learnt quite a lot. But what really stuck in my head was this:
One day, God asks you to run a race, but you haven't been training. At the racing ground, you see God standing there in his white robe and you look around but see no competitors. And all of a sudden, you see the devil walk in. He's buff and ripped and in your head you're like, "Oh damn, I should have trained." He gives you an evil grin, has fire coming out from his nostrils and winks at you, knowing that he'll win this race. And in your heart, you think he's gonna win too so your heart races. At the starting line, God stands at the side, raising the pistol in his hand as he shouts, "Take your mark!" Your heart feels like its in your throat and "BANG!" God pulls the trigger and the devil drops dead. You turn and realise that the devil was shot and your look up at God and he says, "I have already won the race for you, all you need to do is run."

Illustration by Pastor Richard Witmer.

Thank you God.

from claudo's blog. thanks dear for updating regularly...it's how I get to know how you're doing, at least for now and for awhile from now with both of us so busy.

seriously, I'm tired and I haven't been turning to God. which is why ^ that's a good reminder. it's bad to drift away from God and not having as big a daily portion of Him as I had in the past when life/what's to come was less daunting. that's all I can say. I'm guilty as charged and am not a very happy kid. at best, the smiles and happiness' a mere facet. beneath, where only He reaches to, there're hard pounds on the walls of my heart. knocking by hammers. these hammers - friendships/relationships, GP (dayum, I'm far from conquering this. shucks.)/chemistry (I'm failing)/econs (the numerous concepts)/bio (key words' always missing)/PW (uncritical thinking of mine), canoeing (the inability to perform better - why?), family (dad's expectations, harsh words making me feel like he doesn't understand that I really need time to adjust. jc work is hard. I really cannot pass now.), lack of time management, exhaustion - they work harder and harder, by the day increase in kinetic energy to knock with higher frequencies and force, only to spread me thin more and more. it doesn't matter that it's only the beginning - and when we start off we always fail, and we must keep learning from our mistakes in order to have higher chances of succeeding in the future, yes this I know, we've all been told - it doesn't change the fact that I'm incapable and stupid (or so I think and am cursing myself). I'm failing, falling, wavering.

what I need to remember: there's a reason for everything. God has His purpose, His good will. He could easily have given me a great brain which can give me As in everything, but He chose not to. if He wants, I can instantly be able to balance on every single canoe and not even have to brace because I wouldn't tilt to any side. if it's what He desires for me, I can squeeze time out to watch tv even after finishing every single tutorial, attending every single training, fulfilling church commitments. if it's what He thinks is best for me, I can do well in tests/exams just by paying attention during lectures/classes, without having to complete every single piece of work. but He chose otherwise. He wants me to learn things the hard way. He wants me to remain close to Him and draw divine strength, expect divine intervention, prepare to receive revelations, be ready for breakthroughs...it's comforting to know that I have such a thoughtful, knowing God.. that we all have/we all can have if we choose to believe.