haven't been thinking too much over the past few days, and it seems they've just gone by rather fruitlessly - it's not something anyone can be proud of :( perhaps it was because I'd anticipated the queer sense of loss and none of euphoria even before the day I thought I was looking forward to came i.e. post-promos, that I've lived out what I'd foreseen. sometimes the human mind works like that, we tend to pre-perceive certain things and then they become reality...which is exactly why I'm a strong advocate of brainwashing - just psycho yourself about anything till you believe it!

for certain though, I cannot just write off the fact that He's blessed me with beautiful friends in raffles - I mean hey, the past few days I've spent with the best classmates anyone would ask for (11S03K) and girlfriends (in particular lavanya). honestly without them I wouldn't have settled in as easily as I have, nor would I find as much drive in going to school! so oughtta take moments right now to just thank God for placing such wonderful people in my life.

think 've mentioned this, but the RJ experience has indeed been really humbling. but we come out of the school stronger (in aspects more than one) and though how much stronger is unquantifiable, what's more important is that the education doesn't just help develop cognitive skills but all kinds of 'em that will stand us in good stead in the long long long run. after all, everything we go through shapes who we will be in the future :))

speaking of future, admittingly feeling extremely aimless all of a sudden. not sure where am headed, uncertain of what tomorrow holds - just kinda lost that strong sense of purpose I had pre/during promos. but God will bring me back to Him, He'll increase and I'll decrease in this life undeserving of but blessed with His grace anyway.

y'know, just like most teenagers, sometimes I do wonder too, why is it that this heart of mine wants so much to be loved by someone other than God, my family and friends, when I am loved enough, I am favoured enough? when agape, unconditional, platonic love is more than enough for me? each time the thought crosses my mind I feel so guilty I'm not spending enough time with the grans/parents who deserves alot more of my time and showers of affection, and realise how I've got no time for that kinda love that makes my heart skip a beat, that gives that tingly feeling (don't deny it whoever you are reading this, you experience it too :P) because I should be working on my relationship with God and my closest, most trustworthy confidantes/kins (despite the ever-bothersome generation gap)...

and you probably can tell by now too that many of the things I say may not be what I entirely believe in but know it helps to rationalise such stuff, record it down, say it many times, enough to make myself actually internalise them

dayum I'm just a kid, hahahaha.