too many things have changed, are changing and time isn't stopping for me to catch my breath. all I know is that this unhappiness must not last, the negativity should not plague me this much, I shouldn't return to who I was in the past, more damaged and self-destructive. all I know is that I haven't got many months left to actually prepare for what we understand as the single round of examination that all the 12 years of schooling culminates in, the dreaded As which will determine the course of our lives from now on to such a large extent. it's a scary thought isn't it, to have come this far, just as we may have prayed for time to pass more quickly so we can get over the phase of being a student by name (since we gotta keep learning through life) already - but now that it has we're just so reluctant to move on with the times 'cause we know for certain that anything can happen once we step out of this bubble of school life. all I know is that I haven't kicked the habit of procrastination yet - which has been present ever since I started blogging (hilarious how archives date back to july 2006) - and it might just destroy any chances of me doing as well as I should so it's something I should start working on even if people might argue it's too late. all I know is that I haven't been faithful in sustaining my once-close relationship with the Lord and the fact that He has never left me and will never leave me should be enough to give me strength to start shifting my focus back to Him. all I know is that my life doesn't only belong to me, but also my loved ones, and whatever I do or think can so affect them. but there're so many more things I do not know, so many more things I have to learn about people, about myself. there're so many ways I have to change myself for the better, there's so much more humbling of myself to do, there's so much I'm lacking in.

so joy joy joy, please come back to me
I will have faith that it isn't just what I want for myself but what He wants for me and thinks is right

I miss being happy.